I have a boyfriend. *insert cheesy grin here* He is a wonderful man, a real man, works hard, treats me better than I feel I deserve and gets less from me that I feel he deserves. He inquired about my blogs last night. He showed interest in reading them. I was hesitant, but I gave him the addresses. I want nothing more than to open up completely with him, but it is extremely difficult to do so. I have to be strong. I can’t let him see me cry or even worse, fall completely apart the way I do at times. Never let them know your weaknesses. Your weaknesses are ammunition for the enemy and you never know when a friend or a loved one will turn into the enemy until it is too late.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve had a significant other that I share my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and writings with. It is a bit out of my comfort zone. “How can that be when you write all of that on the internet for the entire world to read,” you ask? It’s simple. I’m not intimate with the entire world. I don’t care what the entire world believes, accepts or thinks about me. The entire world can judge me all they want and it makes not one bit of difference in my life. Judgments of strangers and acquaintances and even some friends and family are irrelevant to my life. I’m not being mean nor insulting. It’s not as if I don’t care, because I do. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t, but when it comes right down to it, it doesn’t matter. If a stranger took something I said and tried to twist it to use it against me, that stranger would most likely fail.
My significant other is the opposite. What he thinks about me, how he feels about me, how he processes what I feel, think, believe, say, write and do is significantly relevant to my life, my happiness, and my well-being. It is scary for me to even consider sharing things with him. Why does it scare me? “What if…” scares me. Being misunderstood scares me. Having my words twisted scares me. Having my feelings disregarded scares me.
…he realizes how emotional I can be; will he look for somebody stronger?
…he sees how broken I really am; will it be more than he can accept?
…he doesn’t agree with what I’ve written; will he stop loving me?
…he decides I am not his “dream girl” after all?
I could write “What if”s all day long. Such things flow through my mind regularly.
Misunderstanding the message I am trying to get across and believing it is an attack against him, that I don’t love him, that I don’t want him around, that I am stuck in the past, or that I don’t trust him could happen. Would he ask for clarity before assuming that which does not exist? If he didn’t, would he insist his assumption is correct after I explained it wasn’t? I don’t want him to get the wrong message and then continue to believe it. I want to be fully understood for once in my life. Just once in my life I would like the person I share my life with to accept and understand me and not try to make me into somebody I am not.
Past experiences have taught me that feelings, thoughts, opinions and beliefs can be and will be twisted into something they are not and then used against me to control me, argue with me, turn others against me, degrade me, persecute me and destroy me. Every personal thought and feeling inside of you can damage you if used maliciously.
To share such personal pieces of myself and have them completely disregarded, as if they do not matter to the only person who’s judgments, thoughts, and acceptance of me makes a difference in my life and is very important to me when his do matter to me is a painful experience. Having to try to explain why it is so important to me and finding ways to reword it so it is understood over and over and over again is exhausting. It simply is not worth the effort if he could care less about how I feel, think, or believe.
I admit to being a ‘worry-wort’. I worry about much more than the average person and more than I believe is healthy for me. Life’s adventures have taken me down a few nearly impassable roads. I’ve crashed more often than I care to admit. I’ve been scratched, skinned, bruised, beaten, worn down, devastated, nearly destroyed, and cried so many tears that at times, I don’t think I have any tears left. I’ve wanted to die before just to make the pain stop. I always worry that I will mess up bad enough that I’ll be thrown into round two of a past tragedy. There is no way I would survive round two. I couldn’t. Round one nearly killed me. Round two would bury me. To be abandoned in the midst of tragedy by everyone I believed cared enough to help me through it and left to do it all on my own coupled with having everything personal I disclosed twisted around and launched back at me with enough force to knock me down everytime I started to get back up isn’t worth it. Why would it be if I’m just going to keep going through it over and over again? I’m tired. I imagine it would be the same as the night I laid on Angel’s grave and prayed for death to take me.
Even as I write and reread what I’ve written to process it and be sure I am writing exactly what I mean to write, I can hear his voice in my head. He asks me many questions when I’m talking to him about something important to me. He makes me think. He gets me to look at things from another perspective. Processing what I’ve written and looking at it from the other side tells me I am not being fair. It’s OK to be worried and scared, but there is no reason to be either.
Being emotional doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. It means you care. Being broken doesn’t mean you can’t be accepted. I love him and accept him, flaws and all. It isn’t emotions or scars that make a person hard to be around; it is the presentation of such that makes a difference. You don’t have to agree with somebody in order to love somebody. Relationships would be boring if they were based on echo chambers. I really am his dreamgirl. None of the “What if…”s were relevant to me being his dreamgirl. I’ll always be his dreamgirl. I know he will ask questions where clarity is needed. He already does. He does it until he understands and it is good. He never assumes and twists. He helps me unscramble my thoughts: providing me with clarity and the ability to share them coherently.
I am stuck in the past to a degree. I let the pains of yesterday prevent me from living today. I am the one assuming things. Subconscious assumptions, but assumptions none-the-less. I’m assuming he will turn out to be like the others. I’m not trusting him. Also, subconsciously. I don’t trust him because of somebody else’s actions. That is so unfair. If I don’t share, then I will never know if he accepts and understands me. He won’t be able to love me for who I am because he won’t know who I am. He will think that I am something that I am not. How can I expect something that I want when I won’t open up and allow it to happen? If any of those ‘What if…’s are true, then it is better to find out now than to live a lie. Otherwise, they will all ring true because I am not letting anything different happen.
People who have spent significant time in abusive relationships become comfortable with their surroundings. It isn’t healthy, but it’s comfortable in the sense that one has lived it for so long that one knows how to deal with it. Things that haven’t been experienced are scary. Non-abusive, healthy, and loving relationships are scary because the abused is not accustomed to them and doesn’t know how to act. Many destroy them subconsciously before they even really begin. For the abused, following the path that you know and are accustomed to will always lead you right back to that place you escaped from. You have to take a new path no matter how scary it is. That is how you break the circle. That is what I will work on.
Open up, share everything, face the fear, and break the circle.