Never did I imagine
being buried in his lies.
I am still training myself
to remember that his
words are always lies;
a self-projection of himself
onto others at times and an
occasional deception to
work his way back in my life.
Not all truths are pretty and easy
to hear nor are they easy to accept.
I have uncovered some truths that
I want to refuse to accept as truth, as
they are very disturbing to me. I am
beginning to wonder if some truths
are better left uncovered.
Delving into the past can bring
back painful memories, happy
memories, and make one dream
about what could have been.
It can be depressing to see what
was and how it was lost.
Such is life, I suppose.
♥♥♥ I have a very special message coming out tomorrow. It is already written and will automatically publish when the clock rolls over into the next day. I dare not look at it else I will try to edit it and then it won’t be finished anymore and not be published on time. It has to be up tomorrow. So I will leave it alone. ♥♥♥
I continue to be amazed in my relationship with Brian. I feel myself having insecure moments from time to time. This is a relationship unlike any other I have had before. I am still learning that it is different. It is non-abusive. It is loving and although I know I can trust him, I still have reservations with showing him my inner being. When I do open up for a short amount of time, I feel myself becoming anxious and want to cry. I want to cry not because he’s hurt me in any way, but because every time I open up, I fear that is when he will change and break my heart. I anticipate the heartbreak. That is how I know I am so deeply in love with him that I never want to lose him. I try very hard not to compare him with my ex’s or this relationship with past relationships. It is difficult not to do so.
I still struggle with leaving the horrors of 2014 back in 2014. I am doing better today than I was yesterday. That is progress. Progress is good. My oldest is still safe, clean, and sober. If only you knew how relieving that is for me. My biggest fear was going to check on him and finding him deceased. That would kill me. It would be more devastation than I could handle at this point. After Angel, after the 12 years of a fraudulent marriage, 14 years of listening to nothing but lies, being mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused and put in a state where I was doubting my own sanity, learning the horrors of my daughter’s childhood, my other children’s childhoods, and the non-stop smear campaign I have been subjected to, there is just no way I could survive such a thing. Thank you, God, for answering my prayers and helping me with him when no one else would and thank you, Paul, for taking my prayers to be heard. I will never forget that day. You saved me that day. I didn’t want anyone else to see me hand you the envelope. Which reminds me……
I get it now. I understand. I know what God’s Grace is. I know what prayer is for. I understand His message. I have seen it. I have felt it. I have been saved by it. I have found my Faith and I have been saved by God’s Grace. At the very moment when it happened, tears began streaming down my face. It happened that day I accompanied the three of you to Shiloh. My anger and sorrow and pain all being washed away with each teardrop that fell and replaced with love and faith and hope. He washed away my troubles through my tears and made me whole again. I still have tears falling and washing away the pain. It’s not continuous, but it is daily. So many years I did not cry. I did not let anything out. I did not let anything show. So much had built up inside me that I could fill an empty river. He brought me out of the darkness and into the light, where I am safe and can no longer be harmed by the monsters. That’s what he is. A monster behind a mask. The monsters cannot live in the light of the Lord. For years, I denied him. For years, I cursed him. For years, I hated him. He let so much hurt happen to me that there was just no way he could be real and if he were, then he is so cruel and demented that he had to be the devil in disguise.
Not once did He ever leave my side, not when I turned my back on him, not when I cursed Him, not when I denied Him, not when I yelled at Him, not when I took His name in vain, not when I attacked believers, not when I degraded His name, His Son, and His words, not once did He abandon me. He has always been with me, waiting for the day I finally turned to him for mercy. He knew I would even though I swore it could never happen.
That day I wrote my prayer request down on paper and handed it to you, it was not for me, it was for my children. He heard me and through you, He guided me down the path of all that’s right and just, my path, the one I had to travel, the path that led me to my faith, to Him, and to be saved by God’s Grace. I was mocked, attacked, degraded, insulted, and defamed in the monster’s attempts to destroy me. He had an army of minions using lies to assault me and I had myself, armed only with the truth and no army. I still prevailed. I fell many times, got knocked down time and time again, got lost, gave in to distractions, gave in to temptations, and almost gave up near the end, but each time I veered off into the wrong direction, that little light appeared and I got back up and back on my path and kept on going. Just me against the world, determined to reveal the truth.
I did it all on my own – I shouldn’t say all, as I had His guidance through you, but I went against all odds and with almost everyone either against me or neutral, and I still prevailed. No one wants to be on the side of the lone warrior in battle. It’s a for sure loss. Yet, here I stand, victorious. Reminds me of David and Goliath, but before I digress…He washed away my pain and rewarded me with the most precious gifts. The rewards for making it to the end of my path to Grace are greater than anyone could ever know or understand unless they have walked the path and reached the end to be saved as I was, by God’s Grace. Paul, you have done so much for me, yet you are humble and keep saying you didn’t do much each time I try to tell you. I wanted to write it all out so you could see for yourself the impact you have had on my life and how you led me to my Faith. Thank you so much. You have my appreciation and adoration.
What greater reward is there than having your faith restored, all the anger, pain and hate washed out of you and replaced by love, and to be saved by God’s Grace? I say saved because that’s how I feel. I was saved from the darkness, from the monsters, from the pain and now I stand in the light where I am safe and nothing can hurt me here. As for the Trials and Tribulations I was forced to face, I had to face them to understand them. God has plans for me. I am to guide others through similar trials and tribulations. How could I do that if I had not faced them and overcome them myself? God gathers warriors to send out and help those lost find their paths to the light. He wants all his children in the light where they are safe.
That’s my take on it anyway. After all I have experienced, I can say that I am right and no one can tell me I don’t know God. John, you can call me crazy. I don’t mind anymore. It’s ok. I expect to be hearing about how I have gone completely batshit crazy by the end of the evening. If it makes you fell good, go for it. You cannot hurt me here. You can’t come into the light. To everyone, in all that I have suffered, was it worth it? Absolutely. Would I change parts of it? Of course. I know that I am not worthy of His Grace, yet I have received it. How amazing is that? Even more amazing is that I, of all people, am actually writing this. When we are given such precious gifts that we do not deserve, we must recognize that we do not deserve them and we must appreciate them and hold them dear to our hearts.
May you find your path, see the light, and not fear traveling it alone.
~Mel Saved by Grace