I have come to a place in my healing that causes me to fall backwards. I try to move forward, but there are memories holding me back.
I am experiencing regrets of events far behind me, memories and thoughts of what could’ve been, what should’ve been, what never came to be and where everything went wrong. I’ve never had regrets before.
I used to be confident in my decisions. There’s something about tragedy, when it comes from choices that you have made, reinforced with years of mental and emotional games and abuses, that causes you to second guess everything you do and everything you’ve done.
I need to regain balance so that I can move forward again. There is still negativity looming overhead. There are still things that are weighing on my mind. One of those things is the company I keep. In the beginning, I didn’t think I would have to make this decision. I thought it work out just fine.
Now, I realize it isn’t going to work out just fine. I have to make this decision and I have to make it now. There are people in my life that are also in the abusers life. It bothers me.
I have decided that I cannot move forward with them around me. They must be purged from my life. I cannot, in good conscience, keep anyone around me that associates with him.
With the horrible things that he has done, what kind of people associate with his kind of people? People generally flock to their own kind. Are they all bad people? No. I do question their integrity and their loyalty.
I have to purge him and everything that has to do with him from my life. There are too many triggers, not just for me, but for my children as well. From name changes to erasing pictures and removing people — all of it is necessary.
I am sad. As hard as I try to get it out of my head what he has done to my children, my family, my life, and my daughter’s life, I can’t.
Justice has yet to be served and although I am a patient woman, my patience wears thin. It’s time to put my combat boots back on, get moving forward again, and finish this thing.
This warrior is well rested and ready for battle.
May the Lord bless you with enough joy to overshadow your sufferings.