I can’t make it stop. It doesn’t work that way. Each day, I try to put it behind me and each day I am reminded and each time I am reminded it stops fading away and grows larger than before. It’s been there so long now, that it is carved into my heart and engraved into my memories. I want to forget but you want to keep reminding me making it difficult to forget and now it is impossible to forget.
When you’ve heard the words over and over again, day after day, week after week, you learn that you have no choice but to accept them as truth. The acceptance shatters your heart. Maybe it can be repaired, maybe it can’t. If it can, I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to feel anything, anymore, ever again. Right now, I just want to die. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to sit with you. I don’t want a hug. I don’t want anyone or anything. No, there is nothing you can do for me. No, I don’t want your help anymore. It’s too late.
I don’t need to care anymore. It’s not like anybody else does. Besides, it doesn’t matter anymore anyway. Nothing matters anymore. The reason is gone. My purpose has vanished. There is no more Sunshine. I hoped Sunshine would have returned by now, but I’m afraid it will never return. And that is the end that.
I’d been asking, looking, begging, needing, wanting help for so long and no one came. No one called. No one offered anything. No one sat with me while I cried. No one comforted me to calm my rage. No one stood up for me. They all closed their eyes and turned their backs. Don’t pretend to care now. You’ve already proven that you don’t. I don’t have anything for you. I’m not going to do anything for you. I don’t care if I have something you need. You only pretend to care when you want something from me. I’m done being used. Go away. Every single one of you. I’ve gotten used to being alone. Leave me alone now, just as you always have.
Thank you for turning your backs. You made reality that much clearer. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power, but it also brings pain. I can’t blame you for taking the easy road. You are not as strong as I am. You would have never even made it halfway. You can’t handle looking at the ugly. You can’t stand up for truth, because you are too afraid to stand alone. You belong with the crowd. I don’t fit in with the crowd. The time for help, was long ago. It is too late now. The effects of the poison have set in and the heart type has changed. It is slowly disintegrating and the antidote is Sunshine, but there is no Sunshine.
Soon, heartlessness will set in and all of you who looked away and refused to see the ugliness that was taking over and refused to stand up for what was right and refused to help stop the ugliness will all feel the wrath of Vengeance, Fury and Rage. Do not call on me when that happens because I will not stop it. I will quote you when you beg me for help. “I don’t want to be involved.” “I don’t want to pick sides.” “I don’t want to get stuck in the middle.” “Don’t bring your drama my way.” “I am too busy. I don’t have time. Maybe later.” and last but not least, my all time favorite, “You’re a fucking psycho freak. Get off the drugs.”
I have an illness. It’s not drugs. No one has even bothered to ask. They prefer to assume something bad about me than to ask and learn the truth. No, I’m not going to talk about it now. You didn’t want to know then and I’m not going to let you know now. Take your false interest and sympathy some place else. Your gossip and lies have already spread like a disease and infected everyone around. You destroy people and kill people with your gossip and lies and you don’t even know it. The damage you do is massive. It is permanent. It cannot be undone. I will show you tomorrow when I publish my evidentiary reveal.
I will travel the hard road. I am not afraid to travel alone. I am not afraid to crawl through hell. I am not too weak to survive. I will reach the end of this path just as reached the end of the last. When I do, I will be even stronger, wiser, and impossible to stop.
All my love,
Saved by God’s Grace even though I did not deserve it. When others turned their backs, God remained. He never left, not even when I denied him.