When the Cause is Bigger than the Fence–Get Off The Fence

Silence of good people

People get divorced.  When you have known a married couple for so long, sometimes you’ve known them both before they even knew each other, it can be a little rough if their parting is not amicable.  One or both of them may ask you to pick one or the other to remain friends with.  I do not do ultimatums.  Ultimatums are a form of blackmail and a method of controlling another’s behavior.  Who are you to attempt to control another?  I have been controlled enough in my life already.  Never give me an ultimatum if you are not prepared to do what you say you are going to do if I do not do what you want me to do.  I will not do what you want me to do.  I am a gown woman and perfectly capable of making my own decisions and I will do what I want to do.  If you do not respect enough to allow me to be my own person, then I don’t need you in my life anyway.

Sometimes, the reason for the divorce is bigger than retaining friendships.  My divorce, for example, is due to my ex, John, placing the family at serious risk of extinction.  He had been risking the family the entire marriage.  His risks caused all six children to be removed by Child Protective Services when they were ages 4, 6, 8, 8, 9, and 11.  The younger two went to a Foster Home.  The older four went to the Crisis Shelter in Huachuca City.  After several days, maybe a week, we managed to get the children moved to homes of family members.  I hated seeing them split up and I hated them being away from me.  John didn’t mind.  He talked about how nice and quiet and peaceful it was without them.  There was no one making messes throughout the house.  He could go out and do whatever he wanted without having to think about the children.  Of course, I don’t think he ever thought about them anyway.  The three girls went to stay with John’s ex-in-laws.  They were the grandparents to two of the girls and one of the boys.  The three boys went to stay with John’s parents.  They were the grandparents of one1 of the boys.

We complied with CPS for a couple of months.  I hired an attorney and met with him.  I learned that since there was no court action, they could not keep the children from me.  I paid $500.00 for that information.  John paid nothing.  It was well worth it for me though.  We gathered up the children and brought them home three months after they day they were taken.  John continued to place the family at risk.  Not only did he continue, he also increased the risk.  Again, CPS came to my home.  This time, John had to leave the home.  The children remained with me.  There was tension in the home.  To relieve that tension, I sent the two girls from his first marriage to stay with their grandparents.  I know today, that sending them there was the right thing to do.  It was in their best interest.  I was not in a position to properly parent them at that time.  There was conflict between the children and I had to choose who to support.  That is a terrible position to be in, but I made a decision and I do not regret that decision.  The children were ages 9, 11, 13, 13, 14, and 16 the second time their family was dismantled.  The following week, they took the younger two from me.  First, they went to John’s parent’s home.  Shortly afterwards, they were moved to be with the girls.  I had two children left and I was keeping them with me no matter what. 

My family of eight was now a family of three.  I about died.  But I fought.  I fought for them all, but since I had never officially adopted my non-blood children and the children were still in conflict, I could not get them back.  John gave them up without a fight.  What kind of parent can walk away from his or her own children?  I was successful and bringing the youngest home.  He was 10 when he came home.  He had been gone for almost a year.  I thought I was gong to lose him.  I was no longer going to allow the family, what was left of it, to be placed at risk.  If CPS came back again, they would take my youngest and never return him again.  John continued to place the family at risk and I left him.  He promised change, I gave him a change, he never even attempted to follow through on his promise so I left him again.  Details will be out in my next article.  He abused the children.  I would go to work and he would emotionally, physically, and sexually abuse  and neglect my children.  Not one of them said a word to me about what Daddy was doing to them while I was away.  Not one of them said a word to each other about what Daddy was doing to them in secret, behind closed doors.  Daddy made them all hate each other and not trust me.  He threatened them by using their personal issues against them, such as abandonment issues, need for love, attention, a mother, you get the picture.

Now, this is not your typical divorce. This is a necessary divorce. This is not something you can work out. This is not something you just get over.  This is a huge issue.  This is bigger than the fence you are sitting on.  You cannot support the victim and the perpetrator at the same time.  To support one is to betray the other.  I’m not giving ultimatums.  I am telling you to unfriend me if you cannot fully support my children and I.  I am presenting you with the reality of it all.  I am stating a fact of life.  I could not fully support all six of my children and I had to make a choice.  You cannot fully support us if as John’s friend or even if you’re still in contact with him.  I’m not asking you to unfriend him or stop talking to him.  I’m not asking you to pick a side.  I am picking a side.  My side.  I am telling you that I will not have you in my life if you are in his.  I am asking you to unfriend me on Facebook, delete my name and number from your phone, and never contact me again.  We won’t be enemies.  I won’t be mad.  My feelings won’t be hurt.  I don’t need false friends.  I don’t want anything to do with anyone who maintains friendships with child abusers and molesters.  If you don’t have the courage and integrity that it takes to up against those who harm children, against John and people like him, then you are not standing by my side and I will not stand by yours.  Either you are against Child Abuse and molestation and destroying other people and are willing to take a stand for what is right and support children of violence which means standing up against JJ and all his lies or you choose not to get involved and sit on the fence and do nothing. If the latter is true, you are not a friend. We require full support, not half-assed shit.  I am not sorry.  I will stand by myself against him if that is how it is to be.  I will NOT sit down in silence.

I wish you the best in your journey through life.  May you find your path and reach the end and receive God’s Grace.

With much love,

growing in gods grace


  1. The middle boy has a story of his own which I will be sharing part of his story that I have been involved with.  I will be adding it to my evidentiary reveal.  I hoped to get the reveal up this past weekend, but alterations need to be made to include Johnny’s story.  It will be another day or two.  I have a special video coming out and I want to get a little more educational information up beforehand so that those who do read what I write will recognize the tactics John uses on the children and perhaps spot something that I missed.

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