Lost

I haven’t been much of a writer lately.  I have no more words to use to share my journey with the world.  Last year proved to be a most difficult year full of loss and sadness.  I continue to try to focus on the positive that comes out of the negative, but it’s becoming impossible to do so as anything left positive fades away into the background.  I’m sad every day.  I’m sick with worry.  I wander aimlessly through life; unable to plan any type of future.  I just don’t know what to do with life anymore.

I continue to be under attack by my ex-husband, the Narcissistic Sociopath.  His use of the courts to continue to bring me down is never-ending.  I attempted to obtain an injunction to prevent any further court action being filed against me by him, but the judge wouldn’t grant it at that time.  He did however set it aside and stated he could put it into effect at a later date if he felt it necessary and that was after a warning that the case was pretty close to such a thing.  I was hopeful that would be a deterrent for him.

Unfortunately, all hope was lost when he filed a complaint against me and had me arrested.  The charge?  Threatening and intimidating/domestic violence.  I sent a message to his father after receiving multiple threats from him and asked his father for help.  I asked him to get his son to stop threatening me.  His father perceived my plea for help as a threat of violence and passed it on to my ex who in turn used it as the basis for the arrest.  With all the threats I have received, some of them carried out, they would never arrest him but one plea for help from me and not even directly to him got me arrested.  I don’t understand the system.  It’s seriouisly broken.  My trial begins March 1.

He has also more recently filed for sole custody, using the arrest as part of his reasoning.  He is also using my refusal to engage in any conversation with him as a reason.  He keeps forgetting that the domestic violence charge came with a restraining order preventing me from having any contact with him what-so-ever.  If I respond to him, he can and will have me arrested for violating the restraining order.  I can’t win either way.  The judge granted him joint custody at the last hearing we had.  The ruling violates Arizona Statutes but that doesn’t appear to bother anyone.  Who in their right mind grants custody to a child molester?  Something is very wrong in the courts around here.

I will be admonished by the judge for publishing this information but I feel it is worth it to get more of the story out in case another is facing what I’m facing.  A short recap of 1015 follows.

My daughter graduated, left the area and cut off all contact with myself and her siblings.  I miss her every single day and wish she would call to say hello.

My eldest son wanted to show his father and stepfather he was a better drug dealer than them (my best guess) and is now preparing to spend the next five years in a prison cell.

I’ve had to move from the home I loved.  I bout a place in the country but it’s too quiet without the kids around.  I don’t know what to do with myself most days.  Some days I question why I continue to even breathe.

My boyfriend, the one who kept me grounded and solid walked away from it all.  Too much drama I guess.  We still talk but it’s nothing like before.  We aren’t a couple anymore and I miss him dearly.  My heart shattered beyond repair.

My best friend in the whole wide world was diagnosed with cancer.  She’s currently in chemotherapy.  The cancer is advanced and she had been misdiagnosed several years prior.  I fear the worst will happen and I will lose her.

Each day is lonelier than the last and I don’t know how much longer I can last with things the way they are.  Most days I don’t want to breathe anymore.  I can’t find purpose in my existence and that is killing me.

I am lost.

Mel

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