He said I was his shelter.

He also said….:-)

I’ll add more later, when I’ve had a chance to dry my eyes, calm my rage, and feel not as foolish and slighted as I feel right now.

After 6 months of being lead on, pushed away, pulled back in, pushed away, ignored, treated poorly, confused, looking for answers and getting silence in return….I learn from a blog of all places that “My Brian” is with his ex-girlfriend, Heather.  I learned it from Brian’s father’s blog.  I have begged and pleaded with Brian over the last 6 months to tell me what is going on.  I wanted the truth.  He would just get angry with me when I asked and then give me the silent treatment.  Finally, I have the truth.  Brian is a coward and not a man at all.  A man can face his own misdeeds and admit them and tell the truth.  Brian hides from it, like a coward.

His parents hated her guts.  So that’s what he told me.  Glad to see they don’t hate her this time around.  Although, I can hear him shittalking me to them and making them hate me now, just as he’d done her.  He’s already called me a wack-job.  Well, guess what?  It must take a wack-job to fall in love with him since all his exes are wack-jobs.  Perhaps, they only appear to be because he’s a fucking coward that couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it so they think he’s coming back and they’re calling him to talk but he’s giving them the silent treatment – which will drive a person nuts.


I remember like it was yesterday – Heather is a wack-job he told me as she texted his phone constantly.  She wouldn’t let him be.  He had many choice words for her including what they call women who sleep around.  She cheated on him, he told me.  He said she expected him to sit around and wait for her to fuck all her old high school buddies and still be there when she was done and wanted him back.  They’d split up half a dozen times.  If it didn’t work out the first six, do you think it’ll work out sometime during the next six?

When Brian and I started dating, I didn’t know it at the time, but he was still with her; or at least she thought he was.  He left her for me.  I had no idea he’d been doing to her what he’d just done to me.  He described it as her doing it to him.  So now, he’s left me to go back to her.  In the past year and a half, she’s been married twice.  I remember how much he hated her.  He was very open with his hatred of her; how much he hurt when she’d cheat on him and then expect him to run back to her at her beckoning call as if he was her dog instead of her man.

This happened to be the second time he left her for me, however, I did not know.  He told many lies.  I should’ve know better.  Addicts pretty much all have the same habits.  I loved him.  I love him still.  I will love him forever.  Will the heartbreak ever stop hurting?  I’ve never felt such pain before.  I’ve never loved anyone like I love him.  Why’d he turn out to be so cruel?  Why couldn’t he tell me the truth from the beginning?  I knew it deep down but he lied straight to my face and I wanted to believe his bullshit so I could believe he was coming back to me.  Perhaps, when they split this next time, he will come back to me.  But he will run back to her at the drop of a hat again so there’s no sense in entertaining the idea of taking him back and honestly, do I want him back now that I know what and who he really is?

What happened with this man, this wonderful man who pursued me and finally won my heart as I fell more deeply in love with him than I have anyone in my entire life?  Where had he gone?  Did he even exist or was he the same as the last – a monster in a mask toying with those around him for his own entertainment?  I do not know.  I want to believe he is the same as I fell in love with.  I want to believe he is coming back to me  still.  I don’t want to let go as it hurts too much.  It is time to face reality.  This time, without any answers as he continues to pretend I don’t exist.  I’m invisible to him as I’ve been since his birthday last year.  I’ve done him no wrong.  I’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment he is giving me.  What kind of person deals blows of pain on so-called loved ones and stands there watching the tears with a straight face and saying not a word?.

That’s enough for now.


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