Adventure

Finding Mel, Update

When we travel to places we have never been before, it’s normal to feel lost along the way. Nothing around you looks familiar and the longer you travel, the more lost you may feel.  I know when I travel to new places, I’m constantly checking the map to ensure I’m still on track.  I’d be lost without the map.

While recovering from the series of unfortunate events that plagued my life for the past two years, I’ve often felt lost.  I’ve even felt as if I’d lost my sanity on many occassions.  Escaping one type of emotional assault only to face a new type of emotional abuse in the form of verbal attacks coming from those I trusted more than anyone made it near impossible for me to recover.  Finally, I isolated myself from the rest of the world and it was then that I realized I was not lost, nor did I need to find myself.  I was in uncharted territory, moving from abuse to recovery.

Those who don’t understand my journey nor attempt to understand it have felt it necessary to diagnose me without ever questioning me as to my issues.  Judgments.  Accusations. Blame. Guilt.  All things I’ve been dealing with from those closest to me, including, which was very shocking to me, my employer of ten years.  He knows me.  I’ve changed.  Now he throws verbal assaults and accusations based on his ignorance of the situation at me.  He had been a large roadblock on my recovery path.  Every time I’d get back up, he was sure to knock me back down.  I attempted to explain the situation to him.  His response was cold and heartless.

“And then you die”, he belted at me.

He didn’t care.  All he cares about is himself.  Narcissistic?  Possibly.  I have been attracting many of them lately.  As soon as I began fighting back, defending myself, I would be fired.  He’d call me back the next day but then he’d fire me again for another reason.  A couple months ago, he fired me permanently.  I was defending a friend.  He asked me question and I answered it honestly.  It had nothing to do with work what-so-ever, but he did not like the answer which was my opinion based on the events leading up to that moment.  Evidently, he wanted me to be kind and not honest.  The man certainly has a hard time accepting the ugly truths about himself yet he has no problem judging people whom he has never met or knows nothing of in a negative manner based upon the vehicle they drive or clothes they wear, sometimes on their differing viewpoints and even on the accent they speak with or part of the country they come from.

He became overbearing and attempted to control every aspect of my life, including attempting to tell me who I could and could not date, accusing one of my dates he knew nothing about of being a spy.  Really?  Because it’s easier to believe this guy, who’s a great guy, was a spy than this guy really likes me and wants to take me out?  Spying for who and for what?  And he stated I was the one who lost touch with reality.

I know where I am now.  Being fired was the best thing for me.  I got away from the abuse that was keeping me from my recovery and I feel so much better for it.  What happened?  I don’t know.  Perhaps he’s simply incapable of accepting the ugly truths of the world.  The worst thing he said to me over this past year was the all the bad things my ex did was my fault for choosing him.  I already felt guilty enough.  I didn’t need him to turn on me too.  He still refuses to acknowledge and accept the truth because doing so would mean he is wrong and has been wrong these past couple of years.

I have a busy day today, but I’ll be back to write a more detailed report on what I experienced on the job after I began the journey towards recovery from Major Depression due to long-term emotional and psychological abuse.

Mel

(I’ll write more about this later this evening on No More Silence.)

Categories: Adventure, Falsehoods, Narcissistic Sociopath

Mel’s Ramblings

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes. I own my mistakes. I accept the consequences of my actions. I am nobody to judge anybody else. Why do those are the same as me, somehow think they’re better than me and have a right judge me? Everyone is the same. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody has the right to judge anybody else. I just wish the world would remember that. I wish certain people in my life would remember that.

These last few months have shown me how alone I really am. Getting a phone call from anyone other than my Daddy and texts from anyone other than my oldest daughter, Tiffany, is rare and far and few between. I know that some, like my best friend Polly and my younger brothers and sister have been going through there on ordeals which of course take priority in their lives. Yet others, who I thought would be there for support, vanished from my life. Then, there are those who have chosen to continue the gossip; spreading rumors, innuendos and judgements as if they are somehow above me and have never made mistakes and errors in judgement.

I’ve learned that I’m no one’s priority other than my own; no one can ever be trusted 100% other than my dad; and that most people who ask how you are would prefer you answer with the lie and say “great” than to tell the truth and say “not so good”. When you tell the truth, they stop asking because they don’t want to feel obligated to listen to your problems and help you fix them.

I think sometimes people forget or just simply don’t know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed with trials and tribulations that all you can do is pray for somebody to step in and help pick them back up, brush off the dust, and tell them it’s all going to be ok and that if no one does, how easy it is to simply give up because no one seems to care one way or another anyway.

And it is true that some people really do not care one way or the other as long as their life is going good for them. I have heard the phrase, “not my problem”, more times in the last three months then I think I have heard in my entire life. When did we reach the point where people only care about themselves not about the people around them? Just because it’s not your problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help, does it? Sometimes, the only help when needs is an ear to listen and a mouth that delivers wise advice. Is that so hard to do these days? Where has all the empathy gone? And if you can’t take the time out to listen to another and advise them what makes you think everyone should take the time to listen to you when you find yourself in an upward battle? Are you really that much better than the rest of the world?

Ramblings from the mind of a broken-hearted, lost soul.

Forever in his Grace,

Mel

Categories: Adventure, Friendship, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

He is me.

I’ve been thinking you know. You can’t help who you love. As much as I love Brian he loves Heather and every time she comes around he will always go to her just as when she dumps him and he comes back to me or calls me, I would go to him every single time because I love them that much. Stuck in a twisted cycle when everybody loves everybody else. Theres somebody using somebody some  where. I hope to break that cycle. I will sit here quietly and I will wait for Brian and I will be there to help them pick up the pieces and when he sees how dedicated and loyal I am perhaps you were not question again. I love him and I can help.

Categories: Adventure

I want to believe…

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That he loves me enough to sacrifice his happiness for the sake of mine and he is purposely pushing me away in hopes that my daughter and I could rebuild our relationship.

I can make up a half a dozen scenarios in which he is absolutely amazing.  I can also make up half a dozen where he is the complete opposite.  I was just a place holder, a throw-away, filling the void until Heather called him home and now he wants nothing to do with me.

I’m supposed to always remember that he loves me.

I don’t know what to think or do.  He won’t provide me any answers.

Yet, he angers if I make assumptions.

He told me never to contact him again.  He changed his number.  It hurt.  I’m a survivor.  I’m left to assume that which makes the most sense.

I wrote him a note:

Brian—

Hey there. I’m sorry. I had the wrong impression. Had I known I was just a THROW-AWAY simply filling the void until Heather whistled for you to get home; then I wouldn’t have thought we were a couple trying to live a life together. I wouldn’t have tried to get you to talk to me and tell me what was going on for so long. I wouldn’t have expected to be a priority and I wouldn’t have believed you when you said you loved me. No worries though! I know it now and I won’t let it happen again. You don’t have to worry about me. You’ll not see nor hear from me again.

I’m sorry I was foolish enough to believe we would be together and work hard at having a great long-lasting relationship. I’m sorry I believed you left because you loved me and thought you were no good for me and I was trying to get you to see that you were. You should’ve mentioned you were seeking a temporary relationship in your eHarmony profile.

It figures I’d fall in love with somebody who only needed me temporarily. I give up on love. It simply doesn’t exist for me.

Take care of yourself.

Melissa

I’m still stunned. I never seen it coming. I don’t know if he meant it when I told me never to contact him again or not.  If he’s just trying to be hard and is walking away for a reason other than not wanting to be with me or am I really to stay completely out of his life and if so then why?  I never cheated, lied, caused him harm, anything.  Why does he want me to not exist?  What did I ever do to him?  There’s just no reasoning behind it. It makes no sense and if something doesn’t make sense then the truth is missing from the something.  So, what is the truth?  I really really want to know the truth of the matter.  I cannot get closure nor move on without it.  I need Brian to answer the questions.  It’s important to me.  He refuses.  It’s unimportant to him.  I don’t know people.  Any and all advice is welcome.  Don’t be offended if I don’t take it.

Mel

Categories: Adventure

Shelter Me

He called me “Dream Girl” and said I was his shelter.

He also said….:-)  He had two songs he’d listen to that he said were for me.

We have a lot in common.  I’ll never forget the first conversation we had.  He asked me if I was a Chevy girl or a Ford girl.  I said Chevy, of course.  He said right answer.  It seemed he was always testing me to see if I had the right answer, same answer as his or the wrong answer, different than his.  It was like a game and I enjoyed it. Over time, I fell deeply in love with him.  At first, I’d say I love you and he’d say I love you more.  Now I say I love you more and he doesn’t even utter the word.  How do you go from being completely in love in the morning to walking out the door and never looking back in the evening?  I don’t understand it.  We never argued about anything.  Problems can be talked about and worked through.  Just to up and walk out without saying one word, who does that and why?  Don’t they know the pain they cause the one they leave behind?  Do they care? How do you let go of something so important to you that without it, you don’t want to live?  How do you stop loving somebody?  I can’t let go. I can’t stop loving him, missing him, and crying over him.  Pathetic, I tell ya.

His song for Heather?  Used to love her…

How do you go from hating somebody in the morning to loving him/her in the evening?

How in the world am I now the “Wack job”, when we never even had a fight or issues and she is now his girlfriend?  Why couldn’t he tell me the truth way back when this all started?  It makes no sense.

BUT…At the end of the day, after all is said and done, I am still completely in love with him and want to be with him.  I had a song for him too. I’ll put it up shortly.

Now I have a new song for him.

Make that two new songs. This being number one.

I miss him. I love him. How do I let go when I don’t even understand what just happened?

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Categories: Adventure

BRIAN

He said I was his shelter.

He also said….:-)

I’ll add more later, when I’ve had a chance to dry my eyes, calm my rage, and feel not as foolish and slighted as I feel right now.

After 6 months of being lead on, pushed away, pulled back in, pushed away, ignored, treated poorly, confused, looking for answers and getting silence in return….I learn from a blog of all places that “My Brian” is with his ex-girlfriend, Heather.  I learned it from Brian’s father’s blog.  I have begged and pleaded with Brian over the last 6 months to tell me what is going on.  I wanted the truth.  He would just get angry with me when I asked and then give me the silent treatment.  Finally, I have the truth.  Brian is a coward and not a man at all.  A man can face his own misdeeds and admit them and tell the truth.  Brian hides from it, like a coward.

His parents hated her guts.  So that’s what he told me.  Glad to see they don’t hate her this time around.  Although, I can hear him shittalking me to them and making them hate me now, just as he’d done her.  He’s already called me a wack-job.  Well, guess what?  It must take a wack-job to fall in love with him since all his exes are wack-jobs.  Perhaps, they only appear to be because he’s a fucking coward that couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it so they think he’s coming back and they’re calling him to talk but he’s giving them the silent treatment – which will drive a person nuts.

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I remember like it was yesterday – Heather is a wack-job he told me as she texted his phone constantly.  She wouldn’t let him be.  He had many choice words for her including what they call women who sleep around.  She cheated on him, he told me.  He said she expected him to sit around and wait for her to fuck all her old high school buddies and still be there when she was done and wanted him back.  They’d split up half a dozen times.  If it didn’t work out the first six, do you think it’ll work out sometime during the next six?

When Brian and I started dating, I didn’t know it at the time, but he was still with her; or at least she thought he was.  He left her for me.  I had no idea he’d been doing to her what he’d just done to me.  He described it as her doing it to him.  So now, he’s left me to go back to her.  In the past year and a half, she’s been married twice.  I remember how much he hated her.  He was very open with his hatred of her; how much he hurt when she’d cheat on him and then expect him to run back to her at her beckoning call as if he was her dog instead of her man.

This happened to be the second time he left her for me, however, I did not know.  He told many lies.  I should’ve know better.  Addicts pretty much all have the same habits.  I loved him.  I love him still.  I will love him forever.  Will the heartbreak ever stop hurting?  I’ve never felt such pain before.  I’ve never loved anyone like I love him.  Why’d he turn out to be so cruel?  Why couldn’t he tell me the truth from the beginning?  I knew it deep down but he lied straight to my face and I wanted to believe his bullshit so I could believe he was coming back to me.  Perhaps, when they split this next time, he will come back to me.  But he will run back to her at the drop of a hat again so there’s no sense in entertaining the idea of taking him back and honestly, do I want him back now that I know what and who he really is?

What happened with this man, this wonderful man who pursued me and finally won my heart as I fell more deeply in love with him than I have anyone in my entire life?  Where had he gone?  Did he even exist or was he the same as the last – a monster in a mask toying with those around him for his own entertainment?  I do not know.  I want to believe he is the same as I fell in love with.  I want to believe he is coming back to me  still.  I don’t want to let go as it hurts too much.  It is time to face reality.  This time, without any answers as he continues to pretend I don’t exist.  I’m invisible to him as I’ve been since his birthday last year.  I’ve done him no wrong.  I’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment he is giving me.  What kind of person deals blows of pain on so-called loved ones and stands there watching the tears with a straight face and saying not a word?.

That’s enough for now.

Mel

Categories: Adventure

Lost

I haven’t been much of a writer lately.  I have no more words to use to share my journey with the world.  Last year proved to be a most difficult year full of loss and sadness.  I continue to try to focus on the positive that comes out of the negative, but it’s becoming impossible to do so as anything left positive fades away into the background.  I’m sad every day.  I’m sick with worry.  I wander aimlessly through life; unable to plan any type of future.  I just don’t know what to do with life anymore.

I continue to be under attack by my ex-husband, the Narcissistic Sociopath.  His use of the courts to continue to bring me down is never-ending.  I attempted to obtain an injunction to prevent any further court action being filed against me by him, but the judge wouldn’t grant it at that time.  He did however set it aside and stated he could put it into effect at a later date if he felt it necessary and that was after a warning that the case was pretty close to such a thing.  I was hopeful that would be a deterrent for him.

Unfortunately, all hope was lost when he filed a complaint against me and had me arrested.  The charge?  Threatening and intimidating/domestic violence.  I sent a message to his father after receiving multiple threats from him and asked his father for help.  I asked him to get his son to stop threatening me.  His father perceived my plea for help as a threat of violence and passed it on to my ex who in turn used it as the basis for the arrest.  With all the threats I have received, some of them carried out, they would never arrest him but one plea for help from me and not even directly to him got me arrested.  I don’t understand the system.  It’s seriouisly broken.  My trial begins March 1.

He has also more recently filed for sole custody, using the arrest as part of his reasoning.  He is also using my refusal to engage in any conversation with him as a reason.  He keeps forgetting that the domestic violence charge came with a restraining order preventing me from having any contact with him what-so-ever.  If I respond to him, he can and will have me arrested for violating the restraining order.  I can’t win either way.  The judge granted him joint custody at the last hearing we had.  The ruling violates Arizona Statutes but that doesn’t appear to bother anyone.  Who in their right mind grants custody to a child molester?  Something is very wrong in the courts around here.

I will be admonished by the judge for publishing this information but I feel it is worth it to get more of the story out in case another is facing what I’m facing.  A short recap of 1015 follows.

My daughter graduated, left the area and cut off all contact with myself and her siblings.  I miss her every single day and wish she would call to say hello.

My eldest son wanted to show his father and stepfather he was a better drug dealer than them (my best guess) and is now preparing to spend the next five years in a prison cell.

I’ve had to move from the home I loved.  I bout a place in the country but it’s too quiet without the kids around.  I don’t know what to do with myself most days.  Some days I question why I continue to even breathe.

My boyfriend, the one who kept me grounded and solid walked away from it all.  Too much drama I guess.  We still talk but it’s nothing like before.  We aren’t a couple anymore and I miss him dearly.  My heart shattered beyond repair.

My best friend in the whole wide world was diagnosed with cancer.  She’s currently in chemotherapy.  The cancer is advanced and she had been misdiagnosed several years prior.  I fear the worst will happen and I will lose her.

Each day is lonelier than the last and I don’t know how much longer I can last with things the way they are.  Most days I don’t want to breathe anymore.  I can’t find purpose in my existence and that is killing me.

I am lost.

Mel

Categories: Adventure

Never Again

You found my heart.
You taught me to love and trust again.

You awoke a passion in me which I never knew existed.
Your touch took me places I’d never been.

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I’d never known Love and Passion as I knew it with you.
Never did I imagine it could be so strong.

You crushed my heart.
You taught me to guard my heart again.

You awoke a rage in me that should’ve never existed.
Your words showed me a pain which I never knew possible.

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I’d never known Rage and Pain as I know it with you.
Never did I imagine it could go so wrong.

You did this.
You let me fall for you,
then you failed to catch me.
I will never be okay again.
I always feel pain thinking of you.
There is no going back from this;
there is no repairing the damage.

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I shall take a break from the world.
I shall curl up in my bed and that is where I shall stay.

That is where I am safe from the heart-breakers and the monsters of the world.

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Never again, I promise me. Never again will I allow myself to fall or to trust.

Keep my heart. I don’t need it anymore.

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Categories: Adventure

Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

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I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


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I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


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I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


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It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

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He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


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My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


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It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


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Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nothing is Ever as it Seems

I am human.  I err.  We all do.  Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in what we are going through that we fail to see it’s a distraction meant to keep us from seeing something more important.  When we miss pieces of key evidence, we miss the truth of the matter.  Always trust that she knows what she is doing.  She always has done the right thing, even when it’s the hard thing to do.  Sometimes, you have to hurt people to protect them from something bigger – something greater than that.  I knew that wasn’t her that day.  I understand.

I recant my previous assessment of the situation – she has not turned – she has become a hero.  She has made the ultimate sacrifice.  I am proud of you.  You didn’t have to do what you did.  I will finish this.  That is my promise, Sunshine.

Categories: Adventure, Love | Tags: , ,