When we travel to places we have never been before, it’s normal to feel lost along the way. Nothing around you looks familiar and the longer you travel, the more lost you may feel. I know when I travel to new places, I’m constantly checking the map to ensure I’m still on track. I’d be lost without the map.
While recovering from the series of unfortunate events that plagued my life for the past two years, I’ve often felt lost. I’ve even felt as if I’d lost my sanity on many occassions. Escaping one type of emotional assault only to face a new type of emotional abuse in the form of verbal attacks coming from those I trusted more than anyone made it near impossible for me to recover. Finally, I isolated myself from the rest of the world and it was then that I realized I was not lost, nor did I need to find myself. I was in uncharted territory, moving from abuse to recovery.
Those who don’t understand my journey nor attempt to understand it have felt it necessary to diagnose me without ever questioning me as to my issues. Judgments. Accusations. Blame. Guilt. All things I’ve been dealing with from those closest to me, including, which was very shocking to me, my employer of ten years. He knows me. I’ve changed. Now he throws verbal assaults and accusations based on his ignorance of the situation at me. He had been a large roadblock on my recovery path. Every time I’d get back up, he was sure to knock me back down. I attempted to explain the situation to him. His response was cold and heartless.
“And then you die”, he belted at me.
He didn’t care. All he cares about is himself. Narcissistic? Possibly. I have been attracting many of them lately. As soon as I began fighting back, defending myself, I would be fired. He’d call me back the next day but then he’d fire me again for another reason. A couple months ago, he fired me permanently. I was defending a friend. He asked me question and I answered it honestly. It had nothing to do with work what-so-ever, but he did not like the answer which was my opinion based on the events leading up to that moment. Evidently, he wanted me to be kind and not honest. The man certainly has a hard time accepting the ugly truths about himself yet he has no problem judging people whom he has never met or knows nothing of in a negative manner based upon the vehicle they drive or clothes they wear, sometimes on their differing viewpoints and even on the accent they speak with or part of the country they come from.
He became overbearing and attempted to control every aspect of my life, including attempting to tell me who I could and could not date, accusing one of my dates he knew nothing about of being a spy. Really? Because it’s easier to believe this guy, who’s a great guy, was a spy than this guy really likes me and wants to take me out? Spying for who and for what? And he stated I was the one who lost touch with reality.
I know where I am now. Being fired was the best thing for me. I got away from the abuse that was keeping me from my recovery and I feel so much better for it. What happened? I don’t know. Perhaps he’s simply incapable of accepting the ugly truths of the world. The worst thing he said to me over this past year was the all the bad things my ex did was my fault for choosing him. I already felt guilty enough. I didn’t need him to turn on me too. He still refuses to acknowledge and accept the truth because doing so would mean he is wrong and has been wrong these past couple of years.
I have a busy day today, but I’ll be back to write a more detailed report on what I experienced on the job after I began the journey towards recovery from Major Depression due to long-term emotional and psychological abuse.
(I’ll write more about this later this evening on No More Silence.)