Friendship

Mel’s Ramblings

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes. I own my mistakes. I accept the consequences of my actions. I am nobody to judge anybody else. Why do those are the same as me, somehow think they’re better than me and have a right judge me? Everyone is the same. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody has the right to judge anybody else. I just wish the world would remember that. I wish certain people in my life would remember that.

These last few months have shown me how alone I really am. Getting a phone call from anyone other than my Daddy and texts from anyone other than my oldest daughter, Tiffany, is rare and far and few between. I know that some, like my best friend Polly and my younger brothers and sister have been going through there on ordeals which of course take priority in their lives. Yet others, who I thought would be there for support, vanished from my life. Then, there are those who have chosen to continue the gossip; spreading rumors, innuendos and judgements as if they are somehow above me and have never made mistakes and errors in judgement.

I’ve learned that I’m no one’s priority other than my own; no one can ever be trusted 100% other than my dad; and that most people who ask how you are would prefer you answer with the lie and say “great” than to tell the truth and say “not so good”. When you tell the truth, they stop asking because they don’t want to feel obligated to listen to your problems and help you fix them.

I think sometimes people forget or just simply don’t know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed with trials and tribulations that all you can do is pray for somebody to step in and help pick them back up, brush off the dust, and tell them it’s all going to be ok and that if no one does, how easy it is to simply give up because no one seems to care one way or another anyway.

And it is true that some people really do not care one way or the other as long as their life is going good for them. I have heard the phrase, “not my problem”, more times in the last three months then I think I have heard in my entire life. When did we reach the point where people only care about themselves not about the people around them? Just because it’s not your problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help, does it? Sometimes, the only help when needs is an ear to listen and a mouth that delivers wise advice. Is that so hard to do these days? Where has all the empathy gone? And if you can’t take the time out to listen to another and advise them what makes you think everyone should take the time to listen to you when you find yourself in an upward battle? Are you really that much better than the rest of the world?

Ramblings from the mind of a broken-hearted, lost soul.

Forever in his Grace,

Mel

Categories: Adventure, Friendship, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Repairs

Friends are like ass cheeks.  Shit sometimes separates them but they always come back together.The purge is working.  I am feeling much better and once again moving forward in my recovery.There is nothing left tugging at my hem, trying to trip me up. This is good.  What makes it even better is the purge made space for real friends to return to my life.

I am back to making progress.  I’m still wearing my boots. I am nowhere near tired yet.  Progress has a way of giving me strength.  Late last year, I attempted to contact an old friend.  She was once my best friend.  She was always there for me.  I wrote about her on no more silence at Jigsy.  It is not like me to turn my back on a true friend.  I knew she was a true friend, but somehow, John managed to make me believe she wasn’t.  I came to believe she was just using me to get to him.  He told me that.  He told me that she approached him and told him she wanted him all to herself.  I believed it at the time.  I’m not so sure I believe it now.  Maybe he lied or maybe he told her a lie that got her to thinking that way.  I do not know.  What I do know is that it isn’t in my character to do the things I did to her while believing the things John had told me about her.  As I learned with Missy and him being the root of the problem, I believe he is the root of the problem Megs and I had as well.  After all, he was the problem causing the children to fight with each other, the children and I to fight and others to fight.  It’s that drama that the Narcissist Sociopath is addicted to.  They need the drama.  Watching others fight and argue gives him the opportunity to rescue somebody.  That makes him look good and he becomes important to the person he rescued.  The person comes to trust and believe in him and feel that he is a true friend or boyfriend.  It is not really rescuing when he was the creator of the situation in the first place.  It is entrapment.  It is a game.  He does that a lot.  He pits people together by whispering one thing in the person on the right’s ear and something else in the person on the left’s ear.  I’ve written about that as well.  Eventually, the parties do come back together and discuss those whispers.  That is when the Narc experiences more exposure.  I feel it will not be much longer before full exposure occurs.  I must keep fighting until I reach my end goal.  Full exposure is one of many goals on the way to the end goal.

I digressed.  So, what I was saying about Megs is that she has always been a true friend.  She was always there for me as I was for her.  People talked a lot of trash about her and I never understood it.  I never saw her the way they spoke about her.  I defended her when I could.  She was my friend and I wouldn’t let people degrade her.  BAM!  I understand it now. No, they weren’t right.  They just didn’t know.  They did not see her.  When they looked at her, they saw what they were programmed to see by what they had heard.  I never listened to rumor.  That’s why I never saw what they saw.  I only saw Megs.  I never should have simply taken John at his word.  Why did I do that?  Normally, I confront the person and ask if it is true.  There was something about our discussion that made me not approach her.  Perhaps it is because he told me it would be useless, as she would just lie to me and say she never told him that.  BAM.  Had I approached her, she would have said that.  No, she wouldn’t have been lying but he had already set it up to make me believe she would have.  He planted that seed.  It wouldn’t matter what she said.  He already said it and got me to predetermine that it would’ve been a lie.

It looks like I just answered my own question.  He lied to me to separate me from my only best friend I had left in this town.  Now that I think about it even further, it was around the same time that he began sexually abusing Cynthia. Cynthia and Meg’s daughter, Jos, were best friends.  They were almost inseparable.  Most certainly she would’ve told Jos what he was doing had Jos been around.  Damn.  With Megs and I on the outs, Jos didn’t come around.  Megs wasn’t bringing her to visit and no way in hell was I bringing Cynthia to visit Jos.  Damn.

Guess who I talked to today.  Megs.  OMG we talked so much yet no way near enough.  I have missed m best friend.  We need like a whole week on an island with margaritas, pina coladas, and hot sexy men to look at while we catch up with what we’ve been doing.  I know Megs has dealt with some major shit as I have.  I did check up on her once in a while, but I couldn’t talk to her.  It was good chatting with her.  It was only on Facebook, but it was still good.  As soon as she’s back in town, we will get caught up.  I feel like she’s back already – and like I never really lost her.

Progress. More of John’s damages gorilla glued back together.  I have no doubt that this one will be like the others have turned out – stronger than ever – so strong that nothing can ever break the bond again.

True friendship.  Unconditional love.  Love changes people.  Today was an awesome day.  Thank you, God.  I needed that.

As always,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

growing in gods grace

Categories: Friendship, Healing, Love | Tags: , , , , , ,

You are the ___ to my___.

listography quotes (You are the ___ to my___)
You are the Tom to my Jerry
You are the Buzz to my Woody
You are the Rory to my Amy
You’re the cookie to my milk
You’re the cracker to my cheese
You’re the key to my heart
You’re the paint to my brush
You’re the bee to my honey
You are the Kermit to my Miss Piggy
You are the Blaine to my Kurt
You’re the colour to my picture
You’re the apple to my pie
You’re the straw to my berry
You’re the umbrella to my rainy day
You’re the sun to my blue sky
You’re the stars to my night sky
You are the fish to my chips
You’re the icing to my cake
You’re the salt to my pepper
You’re the captain to my crew
You’re the frere to my Jaques
You’re the oranges to my lemons
You’re the rock to my roll
You’re the lolly to my pop
You’re the pon to my zi
You’re the rhythm to my blues
You’re the peach to my pear
You’re the mix to my match
You’re the ginger to my bread
You’re the candy to my cane
You’re the words to my story
You’re the donkey to my Shrek
You’re the sin2 to my cos2

via listography: quotes (You are the ___ to my___).

I love these.  They are hilarious.  I sent My Brian a couple.  He called me a dork.  I said, “I might be a dork, but I make you laugh and you can’t help but love me.”  I try not to allow myself to need him, and I know I don’t need him for vanity’s sake or for materialistic’s sake, but I am beginning to need him for emotional, mental, and physical sakes.

Brian is my Gorilla Glue (comment if I need to explain that).  He is patient and kind.  Through all of my trials and tribulations this past year, he has been my rock.  When the road got rough, and many walked out on me, he stood behind me, supporting me when I’d start to lean and helping me stay on my feet.  When most would have run as fast as they could from the craziness that was my life, he stayed with me.  He understood my need to travel my path on my own.  Not once did he interfere nor tell me what I had to do or even what I should do.I had asked him on occasion what he thought I should do.  I had problems trusting my own decisions due to the severe mental and emotional abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex-narc.  He was aware of that, or at least I think he was.  You know how he would reply to those questions?  He would ask what my goal was.  I had to think about that.  Was I persuing a goal?  If not, what do I want the outcome of this situation to be?  He helped me clarify my purpose for the action I planned to take by asking me a simple question.  I would then tell him the goal.  He followed with another question.  He’d ask how the planned action was related to the goal, would it help me reach the goal, and what if such-and-such happened instead.  A differrent perspective of the situation and planned action was provided to me with those questions.  Adjust the planned actions, and proceed towards the goal or scrap the plan completely because it turned out to be a diversion from my path.

Even when you had every reason to leave.  Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.

Even when you had every reason to leave. Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.

I had asked him on occasion what he thought I should do.  I had problems trusting my own decisions due to the severe mental and emotional abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex-narc.  He was aware of that, or at least I think he was.  You know how he would reply to those questions?  He would ask what my goal was.  I had to think about that.  Was I persuing a goal?  If not, what do I want the outcome of this situation to be?  He helped me clarify my purpose for the action I planned to take by asking me a simple question.  I would then tell him the goal.  He followed with another question.  He’d ask how the planned action was related to the goal, would it help me reach the goal, and what if such-and-such happened instead.  A differrent perspective of the situation and planned action was provided to me with those questions.  Adjust the planned actions, and proceed towards the goal or scrap the plan completely because it turned out to be a diversion from my path.

I know what he did there.  He just made me make my own decision and you made me secure in that decision.  I am beginning to trust my decisions.  He says he doesn’t do these things on purpose, that’s just how he is.  It’s my path and I must make the decisions on my own just as I have to walk my path on my own.  It’s been a great experience and I have learned so much about myself and how to trust myself and how to love myself.  He is also showing me that I can trust in him, and that is huge.  This man is amazing.  He holds my heart and keeps it safe.

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

Grace

Categories: Friendship, Love | Tags: , ,

On This Day…

Angel Merito September 21, 1995 1lb, 2oz, 13″ Time on Earth: 3 min.

January 13, 1996:  Angel Merito* was due to be born.  Unfortunately, God decided he needed Angel more than I did and took him from my womb and the Earth on September 21, 1995.

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Daralee Ann Olson December 2, 1977 ~~~~~~to~~~~~~ January 13, 2000 Time on Earth: 22 years, one month, one week, four days.

January 13, 2000:  Daralee Olson** was called upon by the Lord to leave us and join him in Heaven.  At 22 years old, the world wasn’t ready to let her go yet, but she was ready to answer God’s call.

Do you think Dara and Angel sit around and visit and chat about us down here?  I think she looks after Angel for me as I have looked after he children for her.  I would like to think it works that way.  Perhaps their souls are scheduled for rebirth if they haven’t been reborn already.  I think they have been watching us and intervening where necessary to help get everything back where it belongs.

IMG_16123307975018January 13, 2015:  Lorenzo was due to be born and join us but somebody (I won’t name any names) got impatient and he joined us on January 7.  How better than to start off the new year, and our new lives, than with a new baby?  He is the most beautiful baby in all of Texas.

Did you know that 7 is a lucky number?  It’s not just an urban legend.  Devon was number 7 on the football team that won every single game, when he was 7 years old.

Now, if baby Violet would join us today, she would make an excellent addition to the list of people to celebrate today.

When we look at today, let’s look at it with joy and happiness.  Look at the amazing things about what this day is.  Look at the good that came out of the bad.

c12573e30cc492696a545f3f5777b95dThis is a day that should be celebrated and not mourned.  Only a handful of us continue to remember a certain day in our lives and relive the pain of that day every year, but this year will be different.  We will celebrate that day because although we had a loss, heaven had a gain and it was our loved one that was chosen and that is something to celebrate.

God has a way of washing away our sorrows and replacing them with joy.

John 16 Good News Translation (GNT)

20 I am telling you the truth: you will cry and weep, but the world will be glad; you will be sad, but your sadness will turn into gladness. 

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace.
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*I experienced a placental abruption, which began as a small tear around week 12 and gradually increased to a full placental abruption.  A full abruption is when the placenta completely detaches from the lining of the uterus.  The abruption led to preterm labor which, naturally, resulted in premature birth. The membranes never ruptured, Angel was born inside the sac, everything intact.  Asphyxiation occurred causing the inevitable, death.  This had an enormous impact on me.  I believe this was the beginning of the end of what was once a wonderful marriage.  Plans to grow old together disintegrated.  This is the point in my life where I got lost.  I got angry.  I cursed God.  I threw away my Faith.  I had no hope.  I wanted to be dead.  I lived without feeling as best I could.  The pain was unbearable.  No mother should ever have to experience the adventure of burying her own child.  It was the last time I cried until I was saved by God’s Grace.  Read “Detour” for more on this topic.  This is the first time I have shared his photograph to the world.  I’ve always feared people would misuse it.  I hope they don’t but the world needs to see how beautiful he was.

**Daralee Olson became a type one diabetic after the birth of her third child, who is my second son, Johnny.  The illness struck hard and fast and in less than a year after giving birth, she fell into a coma and passed away due to complications which arose from the diabetes.  I cannot get into detail as I do not have the full story and I do not want to tell it incorrectly.  I was blessed with the opportunity to step into her shoes and care for her children.  I wasn’t perfect, but I did the best I could with what I had at the time.  I do miss our late-night talks as she snuck up to the store where I worked for a candy bar she wasn’t allowed to have and a chat with me for a while after everyone else at home had gone to sleep.  She would be very proud of her children today.  I now her momma misses her as I miss mine.  We will all be reunited again when it is time.

Categories: Friendship, Love, Parenthood, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How I Met God

lean-not-own-unders-pr-3_5The Lord has set a path for each and every one of us to get to him through the light. The evil-doers cannot enter the light and we must distance ourselves from the evil-doers or we will never make it to our destination. The evil-doers serve to distract us from our paths and keep us in the dark. We must not allow ourselves to be distracted and veer off path if we ever want to reach the end. Those who claim to know God yet use God’s words to cause his children pain, do not know God. Those who claim to know what path God wants another to take, do not know God. Only you can know what path you are to be on and only I know what path I am to be on.

I know God. I met him. I spoke to him. He sent me a guide who lights the path that I must travel to reach the place where my faith dwells – the place that is so bright that the shadows cannot exist in, the place the monsters cannot go to for the monsters cannot dwell in the light, they can only dwell in the shadows. I did not know God before my journey. I continued to deny God during my journey.

Matthew 5:11-12 "Happy are you when people insult you and persecute you and tell all kinds of evil lies against you because you are my followers.  Be happy and glad, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven.  This is how the prophets who lived before you were persecuted."

I began to feel God and then wonder if it was him that kept pulling me up out of the darkness every time I tripped and fell. At the end of that journey, was the light and my faith and God. I thought he had left me long ago, but he never did. He was always with me even when I denied him. I crawled through the depths of hell along the path of all that’s right and just towards an unknown destination. I wondered why the road was so hard and why I was alone on it. I fell and got lost and my guide lit the path and I got up and continued on my way. This is stupid, I kept thinking. Maybe I have gone crazy, I told myself. This journey is too hard and it hurts too much and I don’t think I can make it. People turned their backs on me. People laughed at me and degraded me and kicked me back down each time I got up. I saw no purpose in the journey but I wanted to get away from the pain and I wasn’t allowed to give up. I survived.

I am out of the darkness and dwelling in the light and my heart is filled with the love of God. I know God. I know the purpose of my journey. I know why I had to endure so much. God has a plan for me and I had to experience those things to carry out His wishes. I am to help others escape similar situations and get to the light so the darkness doesn’t take them. Had I not lived through it, I would not have the understanding to help others through it. He trusted in me and knew I was strong enough to make it, even though I denied Him. How amazing is that?!

It matters not that you believe or disbelieve me. I know God. He believes in me and I Him. That is what matters. I hope you find your path.

God says that if you can stick to the path, at the end of the journey, you will be rewarded with treasures beyond comparison. He does not lie. The treasures I have gained throughout my journey cannot be purchased, they are greater than anything money can buy, they are irreplaceable and no man can ever take from me that which God has rewarded me with as long as I stay on my path. God says I am not to be distracted by you – don’t be dismayed – don’t be discouraged – they know not which of they speak – they know not your journey. Thank you Lord for not ever giving up on me and thank you for delivering me from the darkness and thank you for the words I needed to write this.

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

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Categories: Friendship, Love, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Long Drives

There is nothing like driving hundreds and hundreds of miles across the country, day and night, to clear your head, gather and organize your thoughts, put things in perspective, let go of those things that don’t matter and remember those things that do. I’ve spent 34 hours driving since Thursday evening. I have so many things to write about. Three more hours until I’m home. I’ll begin when I get there.

~Mel on my amazing adventures through life.

Categories: Friendship, Love

Fears

I am afraid to give my whole heart.
I am afraid that I will not be good enough.
I am afraid that he will not be happy with me.
I am afraid to be hurt again.
I am afraid I will never be loved as much as I have loved.
I am afraid that I will never be able to love as much as I have loved again.
I am not afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of love because love hurts deeply, all the way to the core of my soul.
I am broken.

wpid-wp-1419136603679.jpeg They say that to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved. I can’t say I agree, nor can I say I disagree. I am unsure. I have loved. I loved so deeply; I gave my entire heart, my mind, body, and soul to him. All that I was welded together with all that he was. I ceased to exist. We existed. Everything became we. We were happy, content. We had all that we needed and that was enough.

wpid-wp-1419136686563.jpegThings changed over time and we faded away. I was lost in the darkness. I did not want for that. We were supposed to be we forever. My heart shattered, my mind spun, my body longed for his touch and my soul sunk into the darkness under the weight of the pain. I am afraid to love like that again. I am afraid that I am unable to love like that again. I don’t know if I can love anymore. My heart is heavy with knowledge of grief. Is it too heavy to beat for love? Am I broken beyond repair?

I am falling so deep in love and I am fighting it. I try to hide it. I am afraid to show it.

I am afraid of love.

~Mel

Categories: Friendship, Love | Tags: ,

Friendship

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Categories: Friendship