He was my rock;
The only thing left in my life that was solid;
The only thing left that kept me sane after everything else had been lost,
Then I lost him;
The one anchor I had left,
The one I love and gave everything I am to;
Or at least, what was left of me after a devastating hit to all that I once was,
I lost my rock. I lost myself.
Silence and loneliness sinks way down deep and there is no cure.
Nothing can stop the tears from flowing.
Nothing can ease the pain.
It’s not just the pain of losing him,
but of all the losses that led up to that day and followed that day.
I gave all of me and all my love but my love wasn’t enough.
My love hasn’t been enough for many things lately.
I only see one way out.
I search for reasons to stay and find none.
Loneliness eats away your soul.
In the world where you have nothing left and no one left what reason is there to continue?
The only thing left in life to do is die.
He was my rock;
Before I even open my eyes, I call your name. I reach out to place my arm around you, my head on your chest to hear your heart beat. You don’t answer and I can’t feel you. You’re not there. I begin to open my eyes, slowly awake from a deep sleep and dreams of us. The memory hits me again; the memory of your leaving. The the hurt comes back harder than the day before. How long does heartbreak last? Can anything sooth the pain? Only you have been able to sooth the pain. You stopped loving me but I didn’t stop loving you. Then it hits me. This must be how he felt when I simply walked away from him. Then I suddenly understood the hatred. It isn’t hatred at all. It’s pain – the only kind of pain that comes from love which is not reciprocated but had been in the past. Now I see my future in him. Karma. This is my karma.
Cuts run deep down to the core, the center of my being;
So deep, they run straight through my soul;
So deep, no words can soothe nor meds can hide;
So deep, where memories won’t fade and time won’t dull.
Never ending flooding of never forgotten memories;
Cuts run deep, leaving wounds that never heal;
Bleeding that never stops, pain that never ceases;
Unimaginably, excruciating pain that couldn’t be real.
Never ending, never fading, never healing,
Deep Cuts. Forever Pains. Unforgettable Memories.
Creep Up. Tear Through My Soul.
Day after Day after Day after Day…
……AFTER DAY……CUTS RUN DEEP.
Mel Living, 2015
Please take a moment to read a few articles on one of my favorite WordPress sites, Uncommon Graces. Then share our message that #LoveChangesPeople . Love is unconditional. We all need it and we all deserve it. Without it, we all fall down.
In January 2013, when John came and asked me for another chance to make our marriage work, I was very hesitant. I had already come accustomed to the way things were. I had a routine. The children and I had a great relationship. We had long talks. We put puzzles together. I’d get home from work, clean up the house, make dinner, and enjoy spending time with the children I had left after hurricane John hit us. My bills were all paid on time every month. I paid off all my loans. I bought my very first brand new washer and dryer set, fancy ones at that and paid them off. It was the greatest feeling and I was free to live. I was seeing somebody who was non-abusive, worked hard, and had his priorities in order. He also understood that my children always come first and never did he try to change that. Like a fool, in the name of what’s considered proper by the general public, I gave him that second chance. He made promises to change his priorities, give up being a drug dealer, become properly employed, and help me with all the family responsibilities. I didn’t believe him, but I wanted to. I told the person I was seeing that I was going to try to make the marriage work. I don’t know how he convinced the children to accept him back home, but he pulled it off. He talks his way into and out of everything yet when he talks, he never really says anything. He simply says one thing a dozen time in a dozen different ways. The texts between John and the children continue to bother me. They don’t read like conversations between a father and his child. They turn my stomach and make me want to vomit.
I’m not used to family members keeping secrets from other family members. My daughter had been adamant before about him not moving with us when we left Golden Acres in August 2012 but when I asked how she felt about him coming back into our lives, she approved and with her approval the decision was made. I had no idea what I would learn a year and a half later about the true nature of the relationship between John and the children. She wanted to see me happy and thought that’s what I wanted.
By mid-year, he hadn’t kept not one promise. The house was in disarray. The bills were unpaid. He was spending a lot of money at the bar. He continued being a drug dealer. He never even looked for legal employment. His priorities were not the family members nor the family responsibilities. His number one priority continued to be himself and his weed. I was not happy. No one was happy. Then I saw the texts between John and Tiffany. Then I knew.
Here is a short preview of that conversation I read. I will be posting the completed video this evening.
Still, trying to hold on to the tiniest piece of hope, I tried to look past those text messages and everything else, for the sake of “children need both parents in the home to be properly raised” and “God is against divorce, for better or for worse, make it work, stick it out”. Bullshit. No one should ever be that unhappy. I decided it was over and I decided to wait until after Christmas to tell him. I had an out of town guest, so I waited until after she went home. On January 6, 2014, I told him it wasn’t working out. We tried but I wasn’t happy and everything was wrong. He said he was happy, but I don’t believe he was. I think he just wanted to keep certain people close by to ensure they continue to keep their mouths shut. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms by then. He became very angry when I told him it was over and that I had been unhappy. He failed to do his duties as a father and a husband and a man. He remained selfish and continued to endanger the family.
A week or two later, he moved out. I had no idea what I was about to get hit with. I had no idea he had already been badmouthing me to my children and everyone else he came into contact with. I had no idea he had been threatening and bullying the children to keep their mouths shut about what he had done to them and to me for so many years. I had no idea he was getting ready to launch the nastiest, dirtiest smear campaign against me and that his lies would spread so fast and so far that no one even knew where they originated from and eventually, everyone believed it all. Only once has anyone contacted me to ask me if there was any truth to the rumors or truth in what John was telling others. They simply believed all his lies, no questions asked.
Now everyone believes I’m some drug-addicted, psycho-lunatic who’s pissed off at my ex-husband for leaving me and unable to get over him. It’s even going through the schools. It’s all over the High School. My children hear about it on a regular basis. I am hearing about it, too. The hardest part, or at least one of the hardest parts, is that some of those people and I have known each other for a very long time and they should know better. At least now I know who all the fake people are. Those are the type of people that will stab you in the back in a heartbeat without ever having a second thought. Trust no one unless they have stood by you on your death bed. Only one or two people you know would do that and it doesn’t matter if you know 100 people or 1,000 people. There are only a couple out of the entire bunch that are your true friends. And to you, who wrote those lies to me I’ve displayed beneath this paragraph, if you wanted to keep the drama out of your life, then you should not have posted that nasty drama-filled bullshit comment to me about your mother on your Facebook wall. It’s none of your business who my friends are and it’s none of your business who I help. I see you are repeating his lies. You are a gossiper and you spread lies and lies destroy lives. You spread lies about your own mother. Not everything everyone tells you is true. You couldn’t even address the questions I asked you about your generalized statement badmouthing your mother. You know why? Because Liars and Abusers are vague in their stories so if they get called out, they can rearrange them and tell you that you misunderstood. You figure out who the Liar and Abuser is. Just read the signs. Who smears your mother the most? Not all abuse is physical, little girl. I suggest you do some truth-seeking and stop believing everything you hear without question. God gave you a brain for a reason.
I believe it is in the middle school and my younger son is being affected by it all. Of course, I get all the blame for that because I write my story and not cover it up. I’m the town pariah, the town joke, my children’s embarrassment, evidently. That’s the perspective their words leave me with. That’s OK. Anyone that I find spreading lies and can document it will eventually end up called out on their bullshit right here in my blogs. I am allowed to write my story. If you don’t want a part in my story, then I suggest you keep my name out of your mouth and stay away from my children. John’s damages to the family are enormous and continue to grow. There’s no way to stop it. To make it worse, people like the girl up there, people I’ve known since they were little children, are spreading the rumors as well. It took me seven months to find a therapist who was capable of counseling us in our situation but by the time I found one, it appeared to be too late. Not one day goes by which I am not reminded me that John beat my boys, raped my girls, manipulated my mind, used and abused and destroyed the family from the inside out. That is John’s doing.
I know it is easier to hurt everyone and push them away so you don’t get hurt again than it is to deal with the pain and suffering of the past to put it behind you. You’ll never move forward into true happiness until you take the difficult path. The path of all that’s right and just is the most difficult path to follow. It is also the most rewarding path. When you reach the end of that portion of your adventure through life, all your sorrows will be washed away, you’ll be saved by His Grace, you’ll receive the most valuable of treasures that no money can buy and you’ll know what your purpose in life is.
I hate this town. I hate the people in this town. I hate everything about this place. No one ever stops to question anything they hear. They believe it and then they spread it around, embellish it, and not once do they consider the effects of their actions or how much pain they are causing others – how much harm and damage they are doing with their gossip. They just love the gossip and the drama. They mock the ones they hurt. They don’t care what happens to those they spread lies about and they don’t care if children are involved and getting hurt as well.
I want to thank all of you assholes in Sierra Vista for spreading your gossip and killing families and lives one rumor at a time. Thank you for your ignorance, your love for drama, and your ability to believe anything you hear without question and passing judgment based on rumors, without hearing both sides of the story and without any evidence on people you have never met before in your entire life. How sad your lives must be that you get off on ruining the lives of others. I don’t even know why I continue to live anymore. I see no point in continuing to fight the rumors. They are bigger than me and I am all alone in the battle. There are hundreds of you spreading the lies and only me trying to dispel them. You’re hurting my children and you’re hurting me and not one of you give a shit. I have boxes upon boxes of evidence to support my statments while he has none, but none of you have even questioned his claims. You don’t care. You don’t want the truth. The lies are so much easier to digest.
I am done. I am so done. I can’t do this anymore.
I am a warrior! I cannot quit. These are my children, your children, his children, her children, our children….I am not done yet!
BECAUSE IT SHOULD NOT TAKE 7 MONTHS TO FIND A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY AFTER YEARS OF TRAUMATIC ABUSES, WE BRING TO YOU HEALING HANDS OF ARIZONA!
To answer the questions and/or address the rumors:
No, I am not a psycho lunatic. I have seen a therapist and am still seeing a therapist. I am perfectly sane. I only appear to be insane due to the tremendous amount of stress and worry and learning all about the sexual abuses and that John lied about everything. Forgive me for the continuous state of shock and anger as I learn more and more about who he really is and what he has done. How sane would you look after learning such things happened in your life?
No, I am not a drug addict. Yes, I have lost weight. I am ill. You would not know because you have not asked. I will be better some day. I have never failed a drug test, not even a hair strand test. I’ve been reported multiple times to police and CPS over the past year and been cleared of the drug-use accusations every single time. I have the test results from both the hair strand and urine tests. I have even had police show up to my house just after returning home from picking my son up from school a few weeks back. They gave me a sobriety test and checked me for being under the influence of any other substances. I was reported to have been DUI by an anonymous caller that day at the exact time I was to be at the school picking my son up. As always, I was clean and sober. I have the police report and test results from that day.
No, I am not mad that he left me. He didn’t even leave me. I ended the marriage. I left him. No, I do not want him back. No, I am not having trouble letting go or getting over him. I let go and got over him the second time he caused out children to be removed from our home by Child Protective Services. He isn’t even who he pretended to be when we met or during our marriage.
No, I am not using my son against him nor am I saying any of the things I am saying to “get what I want from him”. He has nothing that I want. I keep my son away from him to keep my son safe from John’s lying and abusive ways. I cannot allow my youngest child near himknowing what he is and what he has done. I know not a single one of you would ever leave your child with a man you knew lost all of his children and had his rights severed severed for neglect, child abuse and molestation; was a drug addict and a drug dealer; you knew for a fact the foregoing was true; and it was also found and ruled true by the courts as well as substantiated by Child Protected Services. If it is highlighted, it is documented in one or more of my children’s records.
I am pissed off because he lied throughout our entire marriage. I am pissed off because he abused all of my children, mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually. I am pissed off because he demolished my family and laughs at the devastation he left behind. I am pissed off because I fell for all his lies. I am pissed off because I was used and emotionally abused and manipulated for fourteen years. I am pissed off because all the assholes in this town don’t even look at the facts or the other side of the story before passing judgment. I am pissed off because all of your defamatory ways are continuing to cause my children harm and preventing them from healing and putting this behind us. I am pissed off because none of you have the common decency to come directly to me and ask me about what you heard before you continue spreading it. I am pissed off because the Detective heading up the investigation keeps getting pulled away for other investigations. I am pissed off because even though there is a protective order against John, he continues to harass us, file false reports against me, try to get me fired, try to get me arrested and try to get CPS to remove my son from my custody. They would never place my son with him. My son would have to go to a group home and hope for a foster family. I am pissed off because all of you fools don’t even consider the consequences of your actions.
I am pissed up because he is terrorizing my son through his CPS reporting actions as well as causing him to be suicidal through his harassment of me. He was very disturbed after reading the things John and his buddies write about me on Facebook. He knows none of it is true, was very upset with the threats and wants his father to stop with all the lies and attacks. It is causing him to be depressed and want to die. He knows his father is attacking me to try to force me to send him to live with his father. He believes that if he was not alive that his father would stop attacking me. He has considered suicide to protect me from his father. I tried my best to shield him from the ugliness but John made that impossible by lying to him and making him mad at me, making me show him that his father was lying. Afterwards, his father unblocked and refriended him on Facebook where saw all the things his father is saying about his mother and doing to his mother and planning to do to his mother. I took him straight to therapy. I asked Wes, the best friend I am accused of cheating on John with, to tell John to stop posting all the garbage before my son ends up seeing it. Wes ignored me. He doesn’t give a shit about the children either. Of course he wouldn’t and I never should have expected him to have any kind of decency considering he allows John to lie and tell people he and I were having sex when John and I were together. I asked Sherri to ask John to remove it. She ignored me. Now I learn that she used me. She’s not the victim she made herself out to be. She is the narcissist. I became suspicious after she and I discussed everything and after seeing all the evidence, knowing John molested the girls, knowing who and what he is, she continues to support him. Maybe it’s because of the night she spent with him having drunk sex all night and she doesn’t want Lars, her boyfriend to find out. Either way, I screwed up by helping her shut her CPS case and now I have to fix my screw-up. I already know what I need to do and I have everything I need to do it with.
Say what you will about me, but know that you are no better than anyone else and know that what you are doing when you continue to spread your bullshit is causing irreparable damage to innocent children who have already been through hell and you are killing them. I am pissed. I have not made enough noise. I have not been loud enough. It’s time to get much, much louder!
LET’S GET LOUD. #iOWNmyVOICEuseYOURS You know, the message I’m sending is about how your words can hurt people. Just recently, a group of friends I have, lost somebody to suicide. It happened to be the same day I learned about the effects all of my ex’s words and those helping him spread them, is having on my youngest child. I have three suicidal children due to the emotional and physical abuses they have suffered from John, their step-father/father. You people need to wake the fuck up and I am going to keep getting louder and louder until you do. I am only one person. It is me against the world. But perhaps, I am not only one person. All it takes is one person to spread a disease to an entire town. The disease I choose to spread is love. #LoveChangesPeople
Somewhere along the way; you have forgotten You;
gone astray; gotten lost; been misplaced; been hidden;
buried yourself under the heap of rubbish you have not let go of.
You’ve focused on the ugly for so long that you’ve become blinded by it;
you’ve become unable to see all of the beauty in the midst of the tragedies.
You have not chosen to accept, embrace, and live all of life’s adventures.
Dig way down deep into your gut; beneath all the sorrow;
beneath all the pain; beneath all the tragedy;
beneath all that weighs heavily on your mind and on your heart.
Right there, underneath all the clutter, lies your core.
It is there; in the center of your core; that you will find You;
yourself; your true self; your beautiful beautiful soul.
That is who you are. That is who you have always been.
You got sidetracked by the monsters whose purpose it is…
to keep you from the path which leads you to the light.
Now that you’ve found yourself, throw away all the rubbish;
Open your eyes and see the beauty where the rubbish once was;
the beauty that was hidden by the rubbish you were hoarding.
That is who You are.
Stop carrying the clutter with you through time. Put it behind you and leave it there.
There is no need to change yourself. All you need to is to find yourself.
Forever with Love and Compassion,
Guided by His Grace,
We have been in a bit of a crisis mode over the past few days. Triggers set things in motion and like a domino effect sets of more triggers and gets everything spinning around and around again. The spinning is making me dizzy and wearing me out. There is no way I am giving up. If [friend] can go her entire life with the same stuff in her head, then I can certainly at least go half the distance, picking up others along the way that have fallen from exhaustion. I could take the easy road, but why be like everybody else when I can be me? I like me much better anyway. I couldn’t live with me if I were them.
|Eyes open slowly.|