Nothing is Ever as it Seems

I am human.  I err.  We all do.  Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in what we are going through that we fail to see it’s a distraction meant to keep us from seeing something more important.  When we miss pieces of key evidence, we miss the truth of the matter.  Always trust that she knows what she is doing.  She always has done the right thing, even when it’s the hard thing to do.  Sometimes, you have to hurt people to protect them from something bigger – something greater than that.  I knew that wasn’t her that day.  I understand.

I recant my previous assessment of the situation – she has not turned – she has become a hero.  She has made the ultimate sacrifice.  I am proud of you.  You didn’t have to do what you did.  I will finish this.  That is my promise, Sunshine.

Categories: Adventure, Love | Tags: , ,

One Way Love

Before I even open my eyes, I call your name. I reach out to place my arm around you, my head on your chest to hear your heart beat. You don’t answer and I can’t feel you. You’re not there. I begin to open my eyes, slowly awake from a deep sleep and dreams of us. The memory hits me again; the memory of your leaving. The the hurt comes back harder than the day before. How long does heartbreak last? Can anything sooth the pain? Only you have been able to sooth the pain. You stopped loving me but I didn’t stop loving you. Then it hits me. This must be how he felt when I simply walked away from him. Then I suddenly understood the hatred. It isn’t hatred at all. It’s pain – the only kind of pain that comes from love which is not reciprocated but had been in the past. Now I see my future in him. Karma. This is my karma.

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Categories: Adventure, Love, Tragedy | Tags: , , ,

The Broken

And so I picked up what's left of the broken pieces of
my soul and created a magnificent masterpiece and displayed
it for all the world to see the beauty in
The Broken.

The Broken live in an alternate reality. We see what the Unbroken cannot see.


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They see a black or white world; bad or good. We see all the shades of grey; bad and good together in everything. We see the Monsters wearing suits and the Angels wearing rags. They cannot see the Monsters. They cannot see the Angels. They are Unbroken. They have not crawled through the depths of hell and climbed their way up and out like We have.


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They have not been brought down to their knees and experienced excruciating agony; the kind that makes you pray for death. They have not taken the Road Less Traveled; been Persecuted; journeyed down the Long and Lonely, Narrow and Difficult Path that leads to their Faith; to meet God; to be saved by HIS Amazing Grace; to have their Pain and Suffering washed away; to be granted their Treasures Beyond Imagination; to receive their Purpose in Life’s Adventures.




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They travel the Wide Roads in Packs, through the Darkness, lost but Content, following those in front of them. They Fear the Unknown. They Fear Walking Alone, for they Mock and Persecute those who do. They only take a stand when the Pack takes a stand and when they stand, they stand for all the wrong reasons; they stand for selfish reasons; they stand with expectations of gaining something in return; arrogantly thinking that they are on their way to the lights shining down from heaven above. The light they see is not the glorious light of heaven, but the glow of the intense inferno burning deep in the depths of hell.




2015-06-01 08.57.49The Unbroken cannot see all of the world’s realities. The Unbroken live in ignorant bliss, blind to the harsh reality that they walk alongside and follow behind the Evil-Doers; the Monsters sent from Hell to keep them Living in the Darkness; to Trip them when they stand on the Path of Righteousness and Pull them back down into the Darkness to keep them from following the Path to all that’s Right and Just in this world.



John 1-9


2015-05-31 10.06.222015-03-30 19.08.23The Broken have faced the Monsters; Witnessed and Experienced first hand how truly Cruel and Evil the Monsters in man’s mask can be.  They’ve been Broken Beyond Repair by the Monster’s Evil Works; then finally, found Balance and Stood up as The Lone Warrior, Armed only with Truth and Knowledge and Surrounded by Heaven’s Light, against the Pack. The Truth and Knowledge granted at the end of their Journey to meet God provided them Strength and Power which the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Possess. Neither the Monsters nor the Unbroken can enter the Light shining down from Heaven.  The Broken Rose up Above the Darkness and the Monsters and defeated them in Glorious Victory.


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The Broken see everything the Unbroken cannot see for the Broken have lived and survived the Adventures down the long, lonely, narrow and dangerous path through the depths of hell and climbed their way out.  No one who hasn’t lived it could ever imagine it. If they cannot imagine it; then they cannot believe it. If they cannot believe it; then it cannot be true. If it cannot be true; then the Broken must be Insane. It is easier to believe that the Broken are Insane than it is to believe that there are Horrors in this world committed by Monsters wearing Masks of Men with whom they walk alongside for Company and follow from behind for Direction.


We, the Broken, Live in an Alternate Reality; See the Unseen; Know the Unknown; Hear the Unheard; Speak the Unspoken; Possess a Strength that the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Feel unless they become Broken.


Melissa Livingston
Surrounded by Heaven’s Light
March 23, 2015 – Published July 23, 2015

Categories: Adventure, Healing | Tags: , , , , , ,

Cuts Run Deep

Cuts run deep down to the core, the center of my being;

So deep, they run straight through my soul;

So deep, no words can soothe nor meds can hide;

So deep, where memories won’t fade and time won’t dull.

Never ending flooding of never forgotten memories;

Cuts run deep, leaving wounds that never heal;

Bleeding that never stops, pain that never ceases;

Unimaginably, excruciating pain that couldn’t be real.

Never ending, never fading, never healing,

Deep Cuts. Forever Pains. Unforgettable Memories.

Creep Up.  Tear Through My Soul.

Day after Day after Day after Day…

……AFTER DAY……CUTS RUN DEEP.

Mel Living, 2015

Categories: Adventure, Healing, Narcissistic Sociopath, Parenthood, Tragedy | Tags: , , ,

So You’ve Filed for Custody

Dispelling Rumors

The claim is that I have not abided by the orders of the court since day 1.

The claim is that I refuse to allow him to participate in events related to my son’s health and well-being.

The claim is that I refuse to allow him to participate in my son’s life in any way, shape, or form.

The claims are close to 100% true. There are no rumors to dispell here.

It is in the best interests of my son’s health, well-being, and future for him not to have any type of contact with his father as his father is unfit to parent.

A.R.S. 25-414. Violation of visitation or parenting time rights; penalties
A. If the court, based on a verified petition and after it gives reasonable notice to an alleged violating parent and an opportunity for that person to be heard, finds that a parent has refused WITHOUT…

View original post 398 more words

Categories: Adventure

Cruelty

How can one so loved, so intelligent, so beautiful, be so cruel, so hateful and so vile to those who love her so unconditionally? What horrible act have I carried out to deserve such excruciating pain? She torments me knowingly and willingly. How did I ever give birth to such evil?

I miss the days before she fell from grace; the days when she was an angel. Perhaps, she was a devil in disguise. I’d have done anything for her then. Now? I’ll do nothing for her. Even if she called and begged, it’d just be a trick, a manipulation, just as it’s always been before.

Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t hurt. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry. It’s not easy to forget one when that one was created within you.

Mel

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Categories: Adventure

Forgotten Post

I’ve forgotten to finish telling Johnny’s story. I shall sit down after settling in after work and finish it this evening. I have others written which are ready to reveal.

Categories: Adventure, Fraud, Life, Parenthood

Depression Clinical depression

….And nobody knows it but me….stuck in my head right now….throbbing headache again….

From WebMD:
Depression Symptoms
Depression symptoms include hopelessness, anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, frustration, anger, decreased or increased appetite, lack of motivation, trouble sleeping or excess sleeping, and suicidal thoughts.
Understanding Depression Symptoms
Depression Overview
Depression is a painful sadness or down mood that interferes with daily life. Many people feel down for short periods, but depression lasts a long time and may include anxiety, insomnia, and other symptoms. Life events such as the death of a loved one can trigger depression. The illness can run in families, but people with no family history also become depressed. Often there is no clear cause. Depression is a common but serious illness that usually doesn’t go away without treatment. Counseling and/or antidepressant medication can treat depression in most people.
Go to the Depression Health Center
What to Expect
Depression caused by a specific event such as a job loss can come on suddenly. Most of the time, depression develops slowly and gradually gets worse. Signs of depression can be subtle, and a person can be depressed and not know it at first. Men and women often experience depression differently. Men often feel anger, irritability, and have sleep or substance abuse problems. Women often feel sad, guilty, and worthless. Mild depression may go away on its own. However, depression usually doesn’t go away and often gets worse without treatment. Severe depression can make it impossible to function and cause suicidal thoughts. Treatment with antidepressants and/or talk therapy can help most people with depression. Antidepressants can take six-eight weeks to work, so it’s important to be patient while finding the right treatment for you.
What Happens with Depression
How Common
16.5% of people in the U.S. will experience depression in their lifetime.
Treatment
Depression treatment may include:
Antidepressant medication
Counseling
Electroconvulsive therapy for severe depression and if antidepressants don’t work

Know Your Treatment Options
Self Care
Getting treatment for depression can help you feel better faster. But you can also do things on your own to feel better. Eating a healthy diet, getting regular exercise, reducing stress, talking with friends, and being patient with your progress can help you cope with depression.
What You Can Do at Home to Ease Your Symptoms
Made Worse By
Psychological stress, drug and alcohol use or abuse, poor diet, lack of exercise, and social isolation
Fending Off Depression Symptoms in Winter
When to See Your Doctor
Over the last month, if you have felt down, depressed, hopeless, or don’t enjoy the things you used to enjoy, you may be depressed and should see your doctor. If you have suicidal thoughts or feelings, or have made a plan to hurt yourself or other people, get immediate medical help.
Get More Information about When to Call a Doctor
Questions to Ask Your Doctor
Do you think I am depressed?
Do I need treatment?
How long before treatment takes effect?
Should I be concerned about any side effects?
Could this be something other than depression?
12 Questions to Ask Your Doctor about Depression
Diagnosed By
Your doctor can diagnose depression by taking a medical history and doing a psychological evaluation, physical exam, and blood tests to rule out a physical cause.
Tests Used to Diagnose Depression
Risk Factors
History of abuse, family history of depression, difficult life events such as job loss, alcoholism, drug abuse, or dependency
What Else Increases Your Risk

Categories: Adventure

How Do You Do It

How do I do what?
How do you keep giving when all they do is take?
How do you keep trusting when all they do is betray?
How do you keep loving when all they do is hate?
I don’t know. I just do. I care. I believe.
What do you believe? That all of a sudden they’ll start caring just because you do?
No. I believe that they will start believing if they hear they are believed in more often than not.
That’s ridiculous. How do you expect them to hear it when they never even listen?
They hear it. They hear everything. How do think they got so broken? Would you stop living if all they ever did was die?
Of course not. Why would I stop living? I’m not miserable like they are.
Are you sure? To live is to give, to trust, to love, to care, and to believe. Without that, you’re dead inside. Where’s the joy in that?
Categories: Adventure, Life, Love | Tags: , , , , , ,

Your False Rumors and Gossips are Killing my Children.

SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE 

Please take a moment to read a few articles on one of my favorite WordPress sites, Uncommon Graces.  Then share our message that #LoveChangesPeople .  Love is unconditional. We all need it and we all deserve it.  Without it, we all fall down.


In January 2013, when John came and asked me for another chance to make our marriage work, I was very hesitant. I had already come accustomed to the way things were.  I had a routine. The children and I had a great relationship.  We had long talks.  We put puzzles together. I’d get home from work, clean up the house, make dinner, and enjoy spending time with the children I had left after hurricane John hit us.  My bills were all paid on time every month.  I paid off all my loans.  I bought my very first brand new washer and dryer set, fancy ones at that and paid them off.  It was the greatest feeling and I was free to live.  I was seeing somebody who was non-abusive, worked hard, and had his priorities in order.  He also understood that my children always come first and never did he try to change that.  Like a fool, in the name of what’s considered proper by the general public, I gave him that second chance.  He made promises to change his priorities, give up being a drug dealer, become properly employed, and help me with all the family responsibilities.  I didn’t believe him, but I wanted to.  I told the person I was seeing that I was going to try to make the marriage work.  I don’t know how he convinced the children to accept him back home, but he pulled it off.  He talks his way into and out of everything yet when he talks, he never really says anything.  He simply says one thing a dozen time in a dozen different ways.  The texts between John and the children continue to bother me.  They don’t read like conversations between a father and his child.  They turn my stomach and make me want to vomit.



I’m not used to family members keeping secrets from other family members.  My daughter had been adamant before about him not moving with us when we left Golden Acres in August 2012 but when I asked how she felt about him coming back into our lives, she approved and with her approval the decision was made.  I had no idea what I would learn a year and a half later about the true nature of the relationship between John and the children.  She wanted to see me happy and thought that’s what I wanted.

If only I had known then what I know now

By mid-year, he hadn’t kept not one promise.  The house was in disarray.  The bills were unpaid.  He was spending a lot of money at the bar.  He continued being a drug dealer.  He never even looked for legal employment.  His priorities were not the family members nor the family responsibilities.  His number one priority continued to be himself and his weed.  I was not happy.  No one was happy.  Then I saw the texts between John and Tiffany.  Then I knew.

Here is a short preview of that conversation I read.  I will be posting the completed video this evening.

Still, trying to hold on to the tiniest piece of hope, I tried to look past those text messages and everything else, for the sake of “children need both parents in the home to be properly raised” and “God is against divorce, for better or for worse, make it work, stick it out”.  Bullshit.  No one should ever be that unhappy.  I decided it was over and I decided to wait until after Christmas to tell him.  I had an out of town guest, so I waited until after she went home.  On January 6, 2014, I told him it wasn’t working out.  We tried but I wasn’t happy and everything was wrong.  He said he was happy, but I don’t believe he was.  I think he just wanted to keep certain people close by to ensure they continue to keep their mouths shut.  We were sleeping in separate bedrooms by then.  He became very angry when I told him it was over and that I had been unhappy.  He failed to do his duties as a father and a husband and a man.  He remained selfish and continued to endanger the family.

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2015-01-13 03.08.10A week or two later, he moved out.  I had no idea what I was about to get hit with.  I had no idea he had already been badmouthing me to my children and everyone else he came into contact with.  I had no idea he had been threatening and bullying the children to keep their mouths shut about what he had done to them and to me for so many years.  I had no idea he was getting ready to launch the nastiest, dirtiest smear campaign against me and that his lies would spread so fast and so far that no one even knew where they originated from and eventually, everyone believed it all.  Only once has anyone contacted me to ask me if there was any truth to the rumors or truth in what John was telling others.  They simply believed all his lies, no questions asked.

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The Mirror Syndrome

I am his mirror. What he says about me is him self-projecting onto me. He is the crazy drug addict pissed off because I left him and he can’t get over me.

Now everyone believes I’m some drug-addicted, psycho-lunatic who’s pissed off at my ex-husband for leaving me and unable to get over him.  It’s even going through the schools.  It’s all over the High School.  My children hear about it on a regular basis.  I am hearing about it, too.  The hardest part, or at least one of the hardest parts, is that some of those people and I have known each other for a very long time and they should know better.  At least now I know who all the fake people are.  Those are the type of people that will stab you in the back in a heartbeat without ever having a second thought.  Trust no one unless they have stood by you on your death bed.  Only one or two people you know would do that and it doesn’t matter if you know 100 people or 1,000 people.  There are only a couple out of the entire bunch that are your true friends.  And to you, who wrote those lies to me I’ve displayed beneath this paragraph, if you wanted to keep the drama out of your life, then you should not have posted that nasty drama-filled bullshit comment to me about your mother on your Facebook wall.  It’s none of your business who my friends are and it’s none of your business who I help.  I see you are repeating his lies.  You are a gossiper and you spread lies and lies destroy lives.  You spread lies about your own mother.  Not everything everyone tells you is true.  You couldn’t even address the questions I asked you about your generalized statement badmouthing your mother.  You know why?  Because Liars and Abusers are vague in their stories so if they get called out, they can rearrange them and tell you that you misunderstood.  You figure out who the Liar and Abuser is.  Just read the signs.  Who smears your mother the most?  Not all abuse is physical, little girl.  I suggest you do some truth-seeking and stop believing everything you hear without question.  God gave you a brain for a reason.images (2)

jos is a bitch

I believe it is in the middle school and my younger son is being affected by it all.  Of course, I get all the blame for that because I write my story and not cover it up.  I’m the town pariah, the town joke, my children’s embarrassment, evidently.  That’s the perspective their words leave me with.  That’s OK.  Anyone that I find spreading lies and can document it will eventually end up called out on their bullshit right here in my blogs.  I am allowed to write my story.  If you don’t want a part in my story, then I suggest you keep my name out of your mouth and stay away from my children.  John’s damages to the family are enormous and continue to grow.  There’s no way to stop it.  To make it worse, people like the girl up there, people I’ve known since they were little children, are spreadingThose with an evil heart the rumors as well.  It took me seven months to find a therapist who was capable of counseling us in our situation but by the time I found one, it appeared to be too late.  Not one day goes by which I am not reminded me that John beat my boys, raped my girls, manipulated my mind, used and abused and destroyed the family from the inside out. That is John’s doing.

I know it is easier to hurt everyone and push them away so you don’t get hurt again than it is to deal with the pain and suffering of the past to put it behind you.  You’ll never move forward into true happiness until you take the difficult path.  The path of all that’s right and just is the most difficult path to follow.  It is also the most rewarding path.  When you reach the end of that portion of your adventure through life, all your sorrows will be washed away, you’ll be saved by His Grace, you’ll receive the most valuable of treasures that no money can buy and you’ll know what your purpose in life is.

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669f0174c30744373a03ea659ae198b5I hate this town.  I hate the people in this town.  I hate everything about this place.  No one ever stops to question anything they hear.  They believe it and then they spread it around, embellish it, and not once do they consider the effects of their actions or how much pain they are causing others – how much harm and damage they are doing with their gossip.  They just love the gossip and the drama.  They mock the ones they hurt.  They don’t care what happens to those they spread lies about and they don’t care if children are involved and getting hurt as well.

424102_347545188613380_237871249580775_1157938_638776903_nI want to thank all of you assholes in Sierra Vista for spreading your gossip and killing families and lives one rumor at a time.  Thank you for your ignorance, your love for drama, and your ability to believe anything you hear without question and passing judgment based on rumors, without hearing both sides of the story and without any evidence on people you have never met before in your entire life.  How sad your lives must be that you get off on ruining the lives of others.  I don’t even know why I continue to live anymore.  I see no point in continuing to fight the rumors.  They are bigger than me and I am all alone in the battle.  There are hundreds of you spreading the lies and only me trying to dispel them.  You’re hurting my children and you’re hurting me and not 446a476ce7cad43dbf3a402e4314b7fcone of you give a shit.  I have boxes upon boxes of evidence to support my statments while he has none, but none of you have even questioned his claims.  You don’t care.  You don’t want the truth.  The lies are so much easier to digest.



I am done.  I am so done.  I can’t do this anymore.

I am a warrior! I cannot quit. These are my children, your children, his children, her children, our children….I am not done yet!

BECAUSE IT SHOULD NOT TAKE 7 MONTHS TO FIND A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY AFTER YEARS OF TRAUMATIC ABUSES, WE BRING TO YOU HEALING HANDS OF ARIZONA!

#KidsMatterOK

To answer the questions and/or address the rumors:

No, I am not a psycho lunatic.  I have seen a therapist and am still seeing a therapist.  I am perfectly sane.  I only appear to be insane due to the tremendous amount of stress and worry and learning all about the sexual abuses and that John lied about everything.  Forgive me for the continuous state of shock and anger as I learn more and more about who he really is and what he has done.  How sane would you look after learning such things happened in your life?

No, I am not a drug addict.  Yes, I have lost weight. I am ill. You would not know because you have not asked.  I will be better some day.  I have never failed a drug test, not even a hair strand test.  I’ve been reported multiple times to police and CPS over the past year and been cleared of the drug-use accusations every single time.  I have the test results from both the hair strand and urine tests.  I have even had police show up to my house just after returning home from picking my son up from school a few weeks back.  They gave me a sobriety test and checked me for being under the influence of any other substances.  I was reported to have been DUI by an anonymous caller that day at the exact time I was to be at the school picking my son up.  As always, I was clean and sober.  I have the police report and test results from that day.

228fc3d53fb166d8add0d8d0dbdbd45e

No, I am not mad that he left me.  He didn’t even leave me.  I ended the marriage.  I left him.  No, I do not want him back.  No, I am not having trouble letting go or getting over him.  I let go and got over him the second time he caused out children to be removed from our home by Child Protective Services.  He isn’t even who he pretended to be when we met or during our marriage.

No, I am not using my son against him nor am I saying any of the things I am saying to “get what I want from him”.  He has nothing that I want.  I keep my son away from him to keep my son safe from John’s lying and abusive ways.  I cannot allow my youngest child near himknowing what he is and what he has done.  I know not a single one of you would ever leave your child with a man you knew lost all of his children and had his rights severed severed for neglect, child abuse and molestation; was a drug addict and a drug dealer; you knew for a fact the foregoing was true; and it was also found and ruled true by the courts as well as substantiated by Child Protected Services. If it is highlighted, it is documented in one or more of my children’s records.

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I am pissed off because he lied throughout our entire marriage.  I am pissed off because he abused all of my children, mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually.  I am pissed off because he demolished my family and laughs at the devastation he left behind.  I am pissed off because I fell for all his lies.  I am pissed off because I was used and emotionally abused and manipulated for fourteen years.  I am pissed off because all the assholes in this town don’t even look at the facts or the other side of the story before passing judgment.  I am pissed off because all of your defamatory ways are continuing to cause my children harm and preventing them from healing and putting this behind us.  I am pissed off because none of you have the common decency to come directly to me and ask me about what you heard before you continue spreading it.  I am pissed off because the Detective heading up the investigation keeps getting pulled away for other investigations.  I am pissed off because even though there is a protective order against John, he continues to harass us, file false reports against me, try to get me fired, try to get me arrested and try to get CPS to remove my son from my custody.  They would never place my son with him.  My son would have to go to a group home and hope for a foster family.  I am pissed off because all of you fools don’t even consider the consequences of your actions.

I am pissed up because he is terrorizing my son through his CPS reporting actions as well as causing him to be suicidal through his harassment of me.  He was very disturbed after reading the things John and his buddies write about me on Facebook.  He knows none of it is true, was very upset with the threats and wants his father to stop with all the lies and attacks.  It is causing him to be depressed and want to die. He knows his father is attacking me to try to force me to send him to live with his father.  He believes that if he was not alive that his father would stop attacking me.  He has considered suicide to protect me from his father.  I tried my best to shield him from the ugliness but John made that impossible by lying to him and making him mad at me, making me show him that his father was lying.  Afterwards, his father unblocked and refriended him on Facebook where saw all the things his father is saying about his mother and doing to his mother and planning to do to his mother.  I took him straight to therapy.  I asked Wes, the best friend I am accused of cheating on John with, to tell John to stop posting all the garbage before image_thumb.pngmy son ends up seeing it.  Wes ignored me. He doesn’t give a shit about the children either. Of course he wouldn’t and I never should have expected him to have any kind of decency considering he allows John to lie and tell people he and I were having sex when John and I were together.  I asked Sherri to ask John to remove it. She ignored me. Now I learn that she used me. She’s not the victim she made herself out to be. She is the narcissist. I became suspicious after she and I discussed everything and after seeing all the evidence, knowing John molested the girls, knowing who and what he is, she continues to support him. Maybe it’s because of the night she spent with him having drunk sex all night and she doesn’t want Lars, her boyfriend to find out. Either way, I screwed up by helping her shut her CPS case and now I have to fix my screw-up. I already know what I need to do and I have everything I need to do it with.

228fc3d53fb166d8add0d8d0dbdbd45eSay what you will about me, but know that you are no better than anyone else and know that what you are doing when you continue to spread your bullshit is causing irreparable damage to innocent children who have already been through hell and you are killing them.  I am pissed.  I have not made enough noise.  I have not been loud enough.  It’s time to get much, much louder!

Good day.

LET’S GET LOUD.  #iOWNmyVOICEuseYOURS  You know, the message I’m sending is about how your words can hurt people.  Just recently, a group of friends I have, lost somebody to suicide.  It happened to be the same day I learned about the effects all of my ex’s words and those helping him spread them, is having on my youngest child.  I have three suicidal children due to the emotional and physical abuses they have suffered from John, their step-father/father.  You people need to wake the fuck up and I am going to keep getting louder and louder until you do.  I am only one person.  It is me against the world.  But perhaps, I am not only one person.  All it takes is one person to spread a disease to an entire town.  The disease I choose to spread is love.  #LoveChangesPeople

Categories: Child Sexual Abuse, Falsehoods, Fraud, Narcissistic Sociopath, Parenthood, Tragedy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,