Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

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I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


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I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


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I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


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It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

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He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


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My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


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It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


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Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nothing is Ever as it Seems

I am human.  I err.  We all do.  Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in what we are going through that we fail to see it’s a distraction meant to keep us from seeing something more important.  When we miss pieces of key evidence, we miss the truth of the matter.  Always trust that she knows what she is doing.  She always has done the right thing, even when it’s the hard thing to do.  Sometimes, you have to hurt people to protect them from something bigger – something greater than that.  I knew that wasn’t her that day.  I understand.

I recant my previous assessment of the situation – she has not turned – she has become a hero.  She has made the ultimate sacrifice.  I am proud of you.  You didn’t have to do what you did.  I will finish this.  That is my promise, Sunshine.

Categories: Adventure, Love | Tags: , ,

One Way Love

Before I even open my eyes, I call your name. I reach out to place my arm around you, my head on your chest to hear your heart beat. You don’t answer and I can’t feel you. You’re not there. I begin to open my eyes, slowly awake from a deep sleep and dreams of us. The memory hits me again; the memory of your leaving. The the hurt comes back harder than the day before. How long does heartbreak last? Can anything sooth the pain? Only you have been able to sooth the pain. You stopped loving me but I didn’t stop loving you. Then it hits me. This must be how he felt when I simply walked away from him. Then I suddenly understood the hatred. It isn’t hatred at all. It’s pain – the only kind of pain that comes from love which is not reciprocated but had been in the past. Now I see my future in him. Karma. This is my karma.

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Categories: Adventure, Love, Tragedy | Tags: , , ,

The Broken

And so I picked up what's left of the broken pieces of
my soul and created a magnificent masterpiece and displayed
it for all the world to see the beauty in
The Broken.

The Broken live in an alternate reality. We see what the Unbroken cannot see.


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They see a black or white world; bad or good. We see all the shades of grey; bad and good together in everything. We see the Monsters wearing suits and the Angels wearing rags. They cannot see the Monsters. They cannot see the Angels. They are Unbroken. They have not crawled through the depths of hell and climbed their way up and out like We have.


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They have not been brought down to their knees and experienced excruciating agony; the kind that makes you pray for death. They have not taken the Road Less Traveled; been Persecuted; journeyed down the Long and Lonely, Narrow and Difficult Path that leads to their Faith; to meet God; to be saved by HIS Amazing Grace; to have their Pain and Suffering washed away; to be granted their Treasures Beyond Imagination; to receive their Purpose in Life’s Adventures.




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They travel the Wide Roads in Packs, through the Darkness, lost but Content, following those in front of them. They Fear the Unknown. They Fear Walking Alone, for they Mock and Persecute those who do. They only take a stand when the Pack takes a stand and when they stand, they stand for all the wrong reasons; they stand for selfish reasons; they stand with expectations of gaining something in return; arrogantly thinking that they are on their way to the lights shining down from heaven above. The light they see is not the glorious light of heaven, but the glow of the intense inferno burning deep in the depths of hell.




2015-06-01 08.57.49The Unbroken cannot see all of the world’s realities. The Unbroken live in ignorant bliss, blind to the harsh reality that they walk alongside and follow behind the Evil-Doers; the Monsters sent from Hell to keep them Living in the Darkness; to Trip them when they stand on the Path of Righteousness and Pull them back down into the Darkness to keep them from following the Path to all that’s Right and Just in this world.



John 1-9


2015-05-31 10.06.222015-03-30 19.08.23The Broken have faced the Monsters; Witnessed and Experienced first hand how truly Cruel and Evil the Monsters in man’s mask can be.  They’ve been Broken Beyond Repair by the Monster’s Evil Works; then finally, found Balance and Stood up as The Lone Warrior, Armed only with Truth and Knowledge and Surrounded by Heaven’s Light, against the Pack. The Truth and Knowledge granted at the end of their Journey to meet God provided them Strength and Power which the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Possess. Neither the Monsters nor the Unbroken can enter the Light shining down from Heaven.  The Broken Rose up Above the Darkness and the Monsters and defeated them in Glorious Victory.


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The Broken see everything the Unbroken cannot see for the Broken have lived and survived the Adventures down the long, lonely, narrow and dangerous path through the depths of hell and climbed their way out.  No one who hasn’t lived it could ever imagine it. If they cannot imagine it; then they cannot believe it. If they cannot believe it; then it cannot be true. If it cannot be true; then the Broken must be Insane. It is easier to believe that the Broken are Insane than it is to believe that there are Horrors in this world committed by Monsters wearing Masks of Men with whom they walk alongside for Company and follow from behind for Direction.


We, the Broken, Live in an Alternate Reality; See the Unseen; Know the Unknown; Hear the Unheard; Speak the Unspoken; Possess a Strength that the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Feel unless they become Broken.


Melissa Livingston
Surrounded by Heaven’s Light
March 23, 2015 – Published July 23, 2015

Categories: Adventure, Healing | Tags: , , , , , ,

Cuts Run Deep

Cuts run deep down to the core, the center of my being;

So deep, they run straight through my soul;

So deep, no words can soothe nor meds can hide;

So deep, where memories won’t fade and time won’t dull.

Never ending flooding of never forgotten memories;

Cuts run deep, leaving wounds that never heal;

Bleeding that never stops, pain that never ceases;

Unimaginably, excruciating pain that couldn’t be real.

Never ending, never fading, never healing,

Deep Cuts. Forever Pains. Unforgettable Memories.

Creep Up.  Tear Through My Soul.

Day after Day after Day after Day…

……AFTER DAY……CUTS RUN DEEP.

Mel Living, 2015

Categories: Adventure, Healing, Narcissistic Sociopath, Parenthood, Tragedy | Tags: , , ,

So You’ve Filed for Custody

Dispelling Rumors

The claim is that I have not abided by the orders of the court since day 1.

The claim is that I refuse to allow him to participate in events related to my son’s health and well-being.

The claim is that I refuse to allow him to participate in my son’s life in any way, shape, or form.

The claims are close to 100% true. There are no rumors to dispell here.

It is in the best interests of my son’s health, well-being, and future for him not to have any type of contact with his father as his father is unfit to parent.

A.R.S. 25-414. Violation of visitation or parenting time rights; penalties
A. If the court, based on a verified petition and after it gives reasonable notice to an alleged violating parent and an opportunity for that person to be heard, finds that a parent has refused WITHOUT…

View original post 398 more words

Categories: Adventure

Cruelty

How can one so loved, so intelligent, so beautiful, be so cruel, so hateful and so vile to those who love her so unconditionally? What horrible act have I carried out to deserve such excruciating pain? She torments me knowingly and willingly. How did I ever give birth to such evil?

I miss the days before she fell from grace; the days when she was an angel. Perhaps, she was a devil in disguise. I’d have done anything for her then. Now? I’ll do nothing for her. Even if she called and begged, it’d just be a trick, a manipulation, just as it’s always been before.

Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t hurt. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry. It’s not easy to forget one when that one was created within you.

Mel

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Categories: Adventure

Forgotten Post

I’ve forgotten to finish telling Johnny’s story. I shall sit down after settling in after work and finish it this evening. I have others written which are ready to reveal.

Categories: Adventure, Fraud, Life, Parenthood

Depression Clinical depression

….And nobody knows it but me….stuck in my head right now….throbbing headache again….

From WebMD:
Depression Symptoms
Depression symptoms include hopelessness, anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, frustration, anger, decreased or increased appetite, lack of motivation, trouble sleeping or excess sleeping, and suicidal thoughts.
Understanding Depression Symptoms
Depression Overview
Depression is a painful sadness or down mood that interferes with daily life. Many people feel down for short periods, but depression lasts a long time and may include anxiety, insomnia, and other symptoms. Life events such as the death of a loved one can trigger depression. The illness can run in families, but people with no family history also become depressed. Often there is no clear cause. Depression is a common but serious illness that usually doesn’t go away without treatment. Counseling and/or antidepressant medication can treat depression in most people.
Go to the Depression Health Center
What to Expect
Depression caused by a specific event such as a job loss can come on suddenly. Most of the time, depression develops slowly and gradually gets worse. Signs of depression can be subtle, and a person can be depressed and not know it at first. Men and women often experience depression differently. Men often feel anger, irritability, and have sleep or substance abuse problems. Women often feel sad, guilty, and worthless. Mild depression may go away on its own. However, depression usually doesn’t go away and often gets worse without treatment. Severe depression can make it impossible to function and cause suicidal thoughts. Treatment with antidepressants and/or talk therapy can help most people with depression. Antidepressants can take six-eight weeks to work, so it’s important to be patient while finding the right treatment for you.
What Happens with Depression
How Common
16.5% of people in the U.S. will experience depression in their lifetime.
Treatment
Depression treatment may include:
Antidepressant medication
Counseling
Electroconvulsive therapy for severe depression and if antidepressants don’t work

Know Your Treatment Options
Self Care
Getting treatment for depression can help you feel better faster. But you can also do things on your own to feel better. Eating a healthy diet, getting regular exercise, reducing stress, talking with friends, and being patient with your progress can help you cope with depression.
What You Can Do at Home to Ease Your Symptoms
Made Worse By
Psychological stress, drug and alcohol use or abuse, poor diet, lack of exercise, and social isolation
Fending Off Depression Symptoms in Winter
When to See Your Doctor
Over the last month, if you have felt down, depressed, hopeless, or don’t enjoy the things you used to enjoy, you may be depressed and should see your doctor. If you have suicidal thoughts or feelings, or have made a plan to hurt yourself or other people, get immediate medical help.
Get More Information about When to Call a Doctor
Questions to Ask Your Doctor
Do you think I am depressed?
Do I need treatment?
How long before treatment takes effect?
Should I be concerned about any side effects?
Could this be something other than depression?
12 Questions to Ask Your Doctor about Depression
Diagnosed By
Your doctor can diagnose depression by taking a medical history and doing a psychological evaluation, physical exam, and blood tests to rule out a physical cause.
Tests Used to Diagnose Depression
Risk Factors
History of abuse, family history of depression, difficult life events such as job loss, alcoholism, drug abuse, or dependency
What Else Increases Your Risk

Categories: Adventure

How Do You Do It

How do I do what?
How do you keep giving when all they do is take?
How do you keep trusting when all they do is betray?
How do you keep loving when all they do is hate?
I don’t know. I just do. I care. I believe.
What do you believe? That all of a sudden they’ll start caring just because you do?
No. I believe that they will start believing if they hear they are believed in more often than not.
That’s ridiculous. How do you expect them to hear it when they never even listen?
They hear it. They hear everything. How do think they got so broken? Would you stop living if all they ever did was die?
Of course not. Why would I stop living? I’m not miserable like they are.
Are you sure? To live is to give, to trust, to love, to care, and to believe. Without that, you’re dead inside. Where’s the joy in that?
Categories: Adventure, Life, Love | Tags: , , , , , ,