Posts Tagged With: abuse

Cuts Run Deep

Cuts run deep down to the core, the center of my being;

So deep, they run straight through my soul;

So deep, no words can soothe nor meds can hide;

So deep, where memories won’t fade and time won’t dull.

Never ending flooding of never forgotten memories;

Cuts run deep, leaving wounds that never heal;

Bleeding that never stops, pain that never ceases;

Unimaginably, excruciating pain that couldn’t be real.

Never ending, never fading, never healing,

Deep Cuts. Forever Pains. Unforgettable Memories.

Creep Up.  Tear Through My Soul.

Day after Day after Day after Day…

……AFTER DAY……CUTS RUN DEEP.

Mel Living, 2015

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Categories: Adventure, Healing, Narcissistic Sociopath, Parenthood, Tragedy | Tags: , , ,

He Was a Parasite

Grey’s Anatomy

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head [2.1]

Meredith: [voiceover] To be a good surgeon you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open.

please dont touch meShe had a way about her that was strictly business.  She never hugged anyone.  She never complimented anyone.  She never said I love you nor requested quality time with anyone.  Her goals were set.  Her aspirations were prioritized.  Her priorities were detailed down to every step necessary to reach each level.  She had a plan and she was following it.  She didn’t have time for nonsense such as caring for others or what they needed.  She wouldn’t hug anyone and no one could get close enough to hug her.  She was focused and nothing was ever going to stand in her way.  Mom wishes Mom knew then what Mom knows now;  why she was so guarded with her feelings and so adamant about perfection.

Meredith: [voiceover] They say that practice makes perfect. Theory is– the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become like one, the better you get at remaining neutral, clinical, cut, suture, close – the harder it becomes to turn it off. To stop thinking like a surgeon, and remember what it means to think like a human being.

2015-03-05 06.12.44At times, she would slip and Mom would catch a little sparkle in her eye.  She would write something that let Mom see a glimpse of her true self and all of the love and compassion she hid deep inside the core of her being.  She put on a good show, but that’s all it was, just a show.  Mom admired her focus and strength in her ability to follow through on everything she started.  She never missed a day of school, never had a missing or incomplete assignment.  She never got anything less and an A on every single one.

Enough Is Enough (No More Tears) [2.2]

Meredith[Voiceover]: I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say “Say when!” My aunt would say “Say when!” and of course, we never did. We don’t say when because there’s something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better.daughter-WM

She was so wonderful and doing so well that Mom rewarded her quite often for her hard work.  Mom rewarded her so much so, that she had everything she wanted.  The more she wanted;  the more Mom gave her.  Mom was not spoiling her.  She worked hard and earned it all.  She would even do extra just to get more.

Meredith: [voiceover]: There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual. And depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

4bdffa5d22beacdbeb84fa9d7ec1f2efThe more she got, the more she wanted.  It got to the point where nothing was ever enough or good enough for her.  She was not happy with what she had, but she knew what Mom could get her that would make her happy.  When she is happy, Mom is happy.  It didn’t matter that Mom gave her what she said she needed to be happy.  She still wasn’t happy.  Mom did everything Mom could to fill her emotional emptiness.  Mom thought for sure that she unhappy because she never allowed her emotions to be seen on her face.  Mom loved her well enough.  It was not Mom’s love that she lacked.  It was love from anyone but Mom.  Mom is her mother, of course, Mom loves her.  Mom is obligated to love her according to her thoughts.

Make Me Lose Control [2.3]

Meredith: [voiceover] Surgeons are control freaks.  With a scalpel in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There’s no fear, there’s no pain. You’re ten-feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the OR. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.”

Those with an evil heartShe gave up everything for him. Everything she was born with, everything she earned, everything she had planned her entire life for; all of her dreams, goals and aspirations; herself at the very core of her being; home – family – unconditional love – education – dreams – hopes – wishes – desires – future – friends – all of it. She threw it all away for him. She threw away everything that made her who she was. She lost control and she lost herself in the process.

Meredith: [voiceover] “No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. If there’s an upside to free-falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.”

the mroe you sacrifice the more you hurtThe one thing she wants most in the world is to feel loved and she would sacrifice everything to get it and that is exactly what she did.  She sacrificed everything to get it from him.  Still, he gave up nothing for her. He was selfish. He turned her against everyone who truly cared for her with empty promises of love.  She took the knife, and with his guidance, buried deep in the back of the only constant she has ever had for her entire life; the one person who loved her in a manner that no one else in the world could ever love her; that kind of dont hurt a friend who loves youunconditional, never-ending love that a mother holds for her child, the one person who would and has sacrificed wants and desires for her; the only person she knew who would always answer the phone when she called, regardless of time and place; the woman who gave her life and would give up her own life for her; her mother;  she sacrificed Mom.  She did it for him and the love he made her believe he held for her.

Deny, Deny, Deny [2.4]

Meredith: [voiceover]The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial.  We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces.”

Whats wrong with meHe remained selfish. He gave up nothing, took everything, yet still he wouldn’t take her. He couldn’t care for her. He had his own desires to fill. He wouldn’t work to support her. He kept her mind all twisted up in knots. She stood firm, begged, pleaded, even wanted to know why he couldn’t truly love her.  IMG_20150328_042343What was so wrong with her that made her unlovable?  Was it because she was so broken and damaged?  Or was because she had nothing left for him to take from her?  She stood firm in her conviction that she didn’t need anyone else.  She was sure that he would see all that she had sacrificed for him and he would reciprocate the love she felt.  Little did she know that the one thing she wants most is something he could never give her.  He hasn’t the capacity to love anyone other than himself.

Meredith: [voiceover] Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

the word sorry wont fix what you did this timeIMG_17278213801921Once he was sure she was devastated and alone, with no one left to turn to and nothing left to lose, he walked away from her, as if she was nothing, and never looked back.  Who can she call now? Her friends are long gone.  She turned her back on them.  Maybe, her family.  Maybe she could call Mom.  There’s nobody else who would do anything for her now. He saw to that. Then it hit her so much harder than she ever thought it would.  She had done so much more than just push Mom away.  What she had done was something that can never be undone, could it?

Wonderful girl BrokenMom had been stubborn and fought the loss of her only daughter.  Mom would find ways to get messages to her and would email her once or twice a day.  She had replied to every communication and every reply would tell Mom how much she hated Mom and wanted Mom to get out of her life and stay out.  Mom hurt deep down the core.  She had devastated Mom in the same manner that her infant brother’s death had devastated Mom.  Mom would always tell her that Mom’s love was unconditional and would always be unconditional.  She took advantage of that love and used it for her own gain.  Her show was no longer a show.  It had become who she is.  389129_407522972644254_1337971205_nCold, cruel, and willing to do anything to get what she wants, regardless of who get’s hurt in the process and anyone standing between her and what she wants will be chewed to bits and pieces and then ground into the dirt for extra measure.

93dae9f08f39c39dbb23b9a1b45cea2eBut now, she had pushed Mom so far away and hurt Mom so badly that the emails stopped.  The messages  Mom would send out in mass which she completely ignored stopped.  Mom hadn’t even attempted to make contact with her recently.  She was relieved when Mom gave up trying to have a part in her life.  Mom always did give her everything she wanted if Mom was capable of giving it.  She didn’t ever believe that Mom would leave her life forever.  That isn’t what she really wanted, but she thought there was time.  We always think there’s time.

It is better to let some one walk away from youMom’s love is unconditional, but Mom’s battle is over. No longer will Mom fight to keep her in Mom’s life.  Mom will give her what she wants and walk away.  Mom is tired.  Mom is hurt.  Mom is done.

M Livingston

let goimagesX1T1OKD5

Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Words Can Hurt and Words Can Heal

clip_image001Use your words wisely. You never know the emotional state somebody else is in.  When you attack with your words, you risk delivering the blow that shatters the already fragile state causing complete destruction of the heart. As soon as the reality sets in that the monster has finally reached everyone around her with his lies and his mission is accomplished, the realization that she no longer has to consider anyone else’s wishes follows.  Why should she when no one considers hers?  It’s not going to change a thing about how others see her.  She’s already hated, so threatening her with hating her isn’t going to work.  We all have triggers. Insults based on her exes lies are triggers. That, on top of what she heard from the person called to tattle on her, as if she’s child and under another’s  control, was more than enough.  She love unconditionally, but she does not like unconditionally and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she hurts back.  Why should she care when no one else does?

To J:  You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you?  It was a great comment.  It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls.  I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter.  Tell her anything you want to tell her.  Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up.  Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong.  Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now.  Tell her what you expect from her in the future.  Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see.  It will help others in situations like yours.  I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and letters.  It takes courage to break the silence.  You used that courage before.  I would like to see you use it again and write anything and everything you feel like writing.  That said…………… …of course there’s more.  I haven’t even addressed your comment to me yet. ❤

You wrote

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa, after all the shit she put everyone thru, and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her, she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[10]How long have I known you? Since you were what, about 5 or 6 years old sounds about right. You and my daughter have been best friends for a long time. Your MOTHER and I were best friends for quite some time as well. Your momma was there for me in times I needed somebody most. She was the only one there. I have been to all the birthday parties she has put together for you and your brother. I don’t even think you know what she went through to make each and every birthday as special and as perfect for you as she could. I don’t think you know half of what she has put herself through to take care of you.  She doesn’t regret it and she would do it a hundred times over if she had to.  She wants nothing but the best for you. She loves you with her whole heart. I remember one Christmas I came by and your momma was in tears  That year she didn’t have any money to buy you a present. She didn’t want you to wake up Christmas morning and not have anything. Your momma is proud and it was not easy to get her to accept help and the only reason why she did it was for you. If not for you, she wouldn’t have taken it. I can only imagine what it is like to have a mom love you so much that she would do anything she possibly can to make you happy. You have that.  I’ve never had that.  Cherish it.  Not all of us can be so lucky.  Her love for you is unconditional and there nothing in this world you can do to make her stop loving you.

I’m going to break down your comment now and address one piece at a time.

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa,

Blackmail, eh?  You want me to choose between you and your mother?  I do not make deals with people’s lives.  I have tried to get JJ to understand that for some time now, but he is a sick narcissistic sociopath and blackmail is one of the abusive tactics they use regularly.  JJ the child molester has your dad as a friend. Why don’t you tell your dad to get out of his house as long as he and JJ are friends?  That’s a guy that doesn’t even deserve to live let alone walk around free. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with all the damage he has caused.  He doesn’t even see anything wrong with raping his own daughter.  Look at that anger festering up inside of you. It’s festered so long that it’s blinded you. You have every right to be angry. No one blames you for being angry. She hurt you and she was supposed to always protect you. I was supposed to protect my kids too and I failed. I didn’t hurt them directly, but I never even seen the signs that they were being hurt. Your momma did something she should have never done. She knows that. She admits it.  So now I get the silent treatment because you have mommy issues. That’s OK. I still love you. My love is unconditional as well.

Be aware of the path you are on and don’t become cold, bitter and heartless. You are beautiful and intelligent. You love your momma. I know this. Stop hiding your love behind your anger. Let your love shine through and the anger will fade away.

after all the shit she put everyone thru,

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“Everyone” meaning who?“ All the shit meaning what?” Does no one else have any responsibility for what has happened to them in their lives? What about all the shit your momma has been through? You haven’t been through half the shit she had been through by the time she reached your age.  Is that insignificant? Does it make any difference at all? It doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She still has to own her behavior and take responsibility for it.  Just as your poor behavior right now is explained by shit you went through. It is not excused by it though. You still have to own it and take responsibility for it. Knowing where you’ve been shows you are not a mean, spiteful, hateful girl. You’re angry and you need to heal.  I see you through your anger.  When you do not take the time to heal, you end up being the one hurting those you love.  You cannot address the abuse she inflicted without addressing why she inflicted it; what made her what she was.  To kill a weed, you have to kill its roots.  If you pluck it off at the top, it will come back next time it rains.  Break the Silence.  That is why it is so important to talk about it, raise awareness, and get your story out there.  It helps you AND it helps others.

and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her,

clip_image002Junk? Obviously if you are calling it junk then you couldn’t understand. You don’t even know what it is. You cannot understand that which you don’t know. Do you know my cause, J? Do you know what I stand for? That “junk” on my page includes things such as #LoveChangesPeople , Make #Compassion go viral, #ShatterTheSilence , #TakeControl , #MakeSomebodySmileToday . We are women, we are warriors, we are mothers and we are proud. We once were victims. Then Survivors. Now Warriors. As warriors, we help those who need help. You can’t understand it because you are too blinded by your anger which is derived from fear. Some go from Victim to Abuser, much like your momma did. But they do not have to stay on that path. They can change direction and become warriors. Some just need a little more help than others. Guidance, love, support, kindness and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words. I am not asking you to pretend like everything bad is gone. I know it will take time and words don’t mean much. I am asking you for patience and observation. Watch your momma transform into the beautiful woman you remember as a child. Withhold judgment and don’t stand in her way to recovery and healing. Don’t trip her and cause her to fall off the path of all that’s right and just. Let her reach the end to be saved by His Grace and have her pain and sorrow washed away and replaced with joy. You don’t think she deserves it, but God does. No one, not even you, deserves God’s Grace but he waits for us to reach him so he can give it to us anyway. He is waiting for you, too and he Unconditional Lovewill wash away your pain and sorrow too. You cannot understand that until it happens but when it happens, you will know and you will never be able to deny it.  All of that aside, your momma is my friend and friends help friends without judging them.  Family helps family without judging them.  Unconditional Love.  You never turn your back on those who were there for you when you needed them.

she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[4]Says who? Says you? And to what do you base such judgment on? Her actions? What about your actions, J? You and I both know you are not perfect and you have done some pretty mean and hateful things. Shall we talk about the little dog you decided you didn’t want anymore and how you tried to get rid of it? Shall you be judged for that little incident for the rest of your life? You tried to kill a little puppy with poison, J, a little puppy that you wanted and then when it got a little older, you grew tired of it and were ready to throw it in the garbage so you could get a brand new one.

More-GraceSo what is this ‘inevitable’ you speak of? Death? We all die, J. We all try our best to prolong it, don’t we? You had so much heart when you were little. Where did it all go? Before you tell me it died or that you’ve been hardened due to the shit that’s happened, think about how your momma got hardened. Can you honestly tell me that you can condemn her for being exactly the way you are headed to be? That’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? You can’t condemn her unless you are without error and on a different path than she was on.

VictimOfGraceQuote2.jpgWho are you to decide what type of friends she deserves? God placed her in my path for a reason, J. Evidently, God says she deserves a friend like me and who are you to question God? Maybe she doesn’t deserve such a hateful daughter. Really, she doesn’t but that is what she has to work with and by the Grace of God she will and by His Grace she will succeed and your heart will change.  Speaking of who deserves what, did she deserve what she got from her daddy while growing up?  Of course not.

2014-12-20 21.35.19-1You are afraid that if you give her this chance and let your guard down that she will fail you and mess it all up and you will get hurt again. You cannot live your life in fear of what may happen. You will never know unless you try and getting hurt is a risk that goes along with that but it is a risk that must be taken else you’ll never accomplish anything in life but death and your life would mean nothing and you would never get your purpose. Jump, J. Take a leap of faith. Try it and see what happens.  What are you afraid of?  I bet when you first started reading this, you thought to yourself that you don’t care and that your heart is cold.  If you don’t care and your heart can’t get broke, then there really is no excuse for you not to try, is there?  Heck, do it just to prove me wrong.  Take it as a dare.  Let’s see how it goes.


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With all my heart,

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Categories: Child Sexual Abuse, Healing, Love, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I don’t think my family hates me. They just don’t care.”

I read those words posted by a new found friend and fellow warrior, Grace.  Those words have been circling around in my head ever since.

From a quick Google search…

My Parents Don’t Care About Me

Getting Older and The Family That Could Care Less

Why do we need counseling for children who feel their parents hate them?  What is wrong with this world?

My Parents Hate Me

The longer I am a therapist for teens, the more emails I get from desperate teenagers. The emails are most often about a painful incident that makes a teen believe their parent(s) hate them.

Other reasons I get emails from teens:
1. Looking for help: How can I get my parents to say yes?
2. Looking for help: How can I make my parents like me more?
3. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents trust me?
4. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents let me be myself?

I KNOW THOSE WORDS.

Brian and I went up to TMC to see his new granddaughter.  She’s over a week old, but there’s a problem with her blood sugar so she has not been able to go home yet.  She was taken to Tucson where the specialists can run some tests.  Mommy and Daddy have not left her side.  They have many visitors, both friends and family.  People bring them necessities and goodies to snack on as well as little gifts for the baby.  There is always somebody there checking on them and making sure they are hanging in there.  That is LOVE.  Love is helping them travel the difficult path they are on.  As I sat and observed, I felt out of place.  I have not known Love like that.

I DO NOT KNOW THAT LOVE.

When I was hospitalized during my pregnancy with Angel, no one sent me flowers.  No one came to visit.  No one checked up on me.  No one cared.  When I lost Angel, no one came.  No one called.  No one cared.  Some people came to the funeral, but they weren’t there for me.  No one offered me comfort.  My own mother was there.  You know what she talked about?  I allowed her to hold Angel before I put him in his forever bed and she said that holding him was helping her put her miscarriage behind her.  My mother wasn’t very far along when she miscarried a pregnancy before I was born and after my brother was born.  She was in her first trimester and she tells me about how she went to the bathroom one day with terrible cramps and it just came out.  She flushed and that was the end of that.  I don’t want to downplay what she may have been through, but this was not the place nor the time for her to make the day about her and how she can finally recover from a miscarriage that happened over 25 years prior.  Why does she always do that to me?  I have a tragedy.  I am in need of comfort.  I need a hug.  What do I get from her?  A story about something that she went through and how it affected her.  The day with Angel was not a miscarriage.  I had a baby and he died.  There is a difference and on the day I am burying my baby, I don’t give a damn about her miscarriage or anyone else’s for that matter.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS OVERSHADOW MY TRAGEDIES WITH YOUR OWN?

I was thinking about that day while sitting in the hospital waiting room and watching this wonderful, loving family interact.  It seemed so disgustingly pathetic and mushy.  It is a beautiful thing.  It angered me.  Why would witnessing so much love and comfort within a family anger me?  That doesn’t make sense.  What is so special about her that she gets so much attention?  Wasn’t I worth somebody caring about me like that?  Don’t I deserve some type of compassion or am I invisible?

I AM INVISIBLE.

I sat in sadness, remembering how I felt the day I lost Angel and the months and years that followed.  I prayed to God that these people do not have to endure what I have endured.  They asked me if I wanted to go in to see her.  I declined.  They asked why.  I simply said, “I will see her when she comes home.  Grandpa should go see her one more time before we leave.”  This day was not about me or my loss or my fears.  This day was about them and I was not going to do what my mother did and soil it for them.  It’s hard enough for them as it is.

I WILL NOT BE LIKE MY MOTHER.

I was angry because I wanted what they had, but I learned long ago that I will never have it.  My mother is my mother. Maybe she loves me but does not know how to show it.  Maybe she hates me but does not want to admit it.  Maybe she never really wanted me in the first place.  My mother is who she is and she is not going to change.  She will not be the mother that goes shopping with her daughter and has lunch on occassion.  She will not be the mother that comforts and wipes away tears.  She will never be the grandmother I had hoped my children would have, as I have most wonderful grandmothers.  I recently asked various family members if my mother had always been that way or if she just hated me.  It is not me, my aunt assured me.  My mother has always been cold.  They attribute it to her being the oldest of five and havng to do most of the work on the ranch and help with the other children.  “It is what it is”, my aunt said.  It is life.  Stop trying to make her proud.  She will never say those words.  Stop tryng to please her she will never be pleased.  Stop waiting for her to see you.

I WILL ALWAYS BE INVISIBLE TO HER

Of course, I have people in my life who care and that is great but it is not the same as having my mother be there.  At least, that’s what I think when I try to imagine how it would be if she could see me.

I have read many books that discuss the mother-daughter bond. Each time I read a different volume, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting, the intellectual stimulation and joy of being read to.

via When the Mother-Daughter Bond Is Missing | Tips on Life and Love.

Mom,

If you read this…Do you read my writings?  Do you even know that I write?  This is my perspective.  This is how I feel.  Remember shortly after you and Dad divorced, on your birthday, I had Ginger’s mom bake your favorite cake, German Chocolate, for me to give you?  I made a bunch of little note cards, ‘clues’, with directions, telling you where to find the next clue.  The ‘clues’ took you to your surprise, the cake, was set up with candles for you.  I tried so hard that day to make it special and get a thank you and an I love you from you.  You didn’t even care.  You blew out the candles and then left for the bar.  Remember the pair of slippers I ave you that you turned around and gave to somebody else?  I spent a lot of time and effort picking those out for you because I love you.

MY LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

You now all of my perfect, 4.0 report cards?  I worked hard to get those for you, but they never seemed good enough.  Everything I did was to please you and get you to love me.  I didn’t have to work that hard for the 4.0.  I was pretty smart.  I still am.  Did you know I was in the G.A.T.E program?  Did you know I tutored the younger grades?  Did you know I was in a lot of plays?  Did you know that I went to church almost every Sunday with Mr. and Mrs. Taylor who lived on the corner of the cul-de-sac?  Did you know the older boy, Danny Nelson, molested me in our home while you were out with whichever boyfriend?  Did you know that my brother and I were awake that night that Jerry Scangorillo (sp) raped you and we heard everything?  Why did you keep bringing strays home to live in our house, give them my bedroom and make me move into my brother’s bedroom?  I was a preteen and I needed my privacy.  You never cared to talk to me about anything, not even about my future, boys, college, sex, etc.  Yet still, I love you.  You’re my mom.

DAD TAUGHT ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Dad was there for me.  Dad was always there.  Dad loved me.  Dad taught me unconditional love.  Dad wanted me around.  I remember the first time I told you I wanted to go live with Dad.  You poured tears, accused me of not loving you, told me how much I was hurting you, asked why I wanted to break your heart and then proceeded to tell me bad things about Dad.  You made me feel guilty for loving my father and wanting him in my everyday life.  Did you know, after you moved me up north and changed my last name and forbade me to speak to Dad, that I cried myself to sleep every night because I missed him so much and it hurt so bad?  Then, you moved me to Arizona and I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to run away.  That’s why I ran away.  I couldn’t talk to you because last time I tried, you made me feel like garbage and you would never have let me go anyway.  I hid from you while Dad took care of the court paperwork.  You tried telling the judge I wasn’t old enough to choose, but he saw through you.  You couldn’t manipulate him like you could others.  You know what, maybe, just maybe, you are the first abusive relationship I have experienced.  Maybe it was you that taught me to be comfortable in bad situations and let me fall into that pattern of abusive relationships.  Yet still, I love you.  You’re my mom.

YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY MOM.

I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

~Melissa

TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU LOVE THEM.  HUG THEM.  SHOW THEM YOU CARE.  YOU AREN’T MAKING US STRONGER BY NOT SHOWING US LOVE.  YOU ARE BREAKING US.  END THE EPIDEMIC OF BROKEN PEOPLE.

Categories: Love, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Truth Seeking

images (6)My search for the truth is a never ending mission.

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Never did I imagine
being buried in his lies.
because everything he said was bull

I am still training myself
to remember that his
words are always lies;

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a self-projection of himself
onto others at times and an
occasional deception to
work his way back in my life.

IMG_20141204_092019Not all truths are pretty and easy
to hear nor are they easy to accept.
I have uncovered some truths that
I want to refuse to accept as truth, as
they are very disturbing to me.  I am
beginning to wonder if some truths
are better left uncovered.

60c6213ec3e95ec7c4fa04e27d630591Delving into the past can bring
back painful memories, happy
memories, and make one dream
about what could have been.
It can be depressing to see what
was and how it was lost.
Such is life, I suppose.

♥♥♥ I have a very special message coming out tomorrow.  It is already written and will automatically publish when the clock rolls over into the next day.  I dare not look at it else I will try to edit it and then it won’t be finished anymore and not be published on time.  It has to be up tomorrow.  So I will leave it alone. ♥♥♥

I continue to be amazed in my relationship with Brian.  I feel myself having insecure moments wpid-wp-1419136738860.jpegfrom time to time.  This is a relationship unlike any other I have had before.  I am still learning that it is different.  It is non-abusive.  It is loving and although I know I can trust him, I still have reservations with showing him my inner being.  When I do open up for a short amount of time, I feel myself becoming anxious and want to cry.  I want to cry not because he’s hurt me in any way, but because every time I open up, I fear that is when he 627a32759f167be8ac906c45c676bb6cwill change and break my heart.  I anticipate the heartbreak.  That is how I know I am so deeply in love with him that I never want to lose him.  I try very hard not to compare him with my ex’s or this relationship with past relationships.  It is difficult not to do so.

I still struggle with leaving the horrors of 2014 back in 2014.  I am doing better today than I was yesterday.  That is progress.  Progress is good.  My oldest is still safe, clean, and sober.  If only you knew how relieving that is for me.  My biggest fear was going to check on him and finding him deceased.  That would kill me.  It would be more devastation than I could handle at this point.  After Angel, after the 12 years of a fraudulent marriage, 14 years of listening to nothing but lies, being mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused and put in a state where I was doubting my own sanity, learning the horrors of my daughter’s childhood, my other children’s childhoods, and the non-stop smear campaign I have been subjected to, there is just no way I could survive such a thing. tumblr_m8mvyaFOmK1qa6psxo1_500Thank you, God, for answering my prayers and helping me with him when no one else would and thank you, Paul, for taking my prayers to be heard.  I will never forget that day.  You saved me that day.  I didn’t want anyone else to see me hand you the envelope.  Which reminds me……

More-Grace

Ttruth-seeks-lightI get it now.  I understand.  I know what God’s Grace is.  I know what prayer is for.  I understand His message.  I have seen it.  I have felt it. I have been saved by it.  I have found my Faith and I have been saved by God’s Grace.  At the very moment when it happened, tears began streaming down my face.  It happened that day I accompanied the three of you to Shiloh.  My anger and sorrow and pain all being washed away with each teardrop that fell and replaced with love and faith and hope.  He washed away my troubles through my tears and made me whole again.  7e0de55973ee3c11018bcfa1dee9e9c1I still have tears falling and washing away the pain.  It’s not continuous, but it is daily.  So many years I did not cry.  I did not let anything out.  I did not let anything show.  So much had built up inside me that I could fill an empty river.  He brought me out of the darkness and into the light, where I am safe and can no longer be harmed by the monsters.  That’s what he is.  A monster behind a mask.  The monsters cannot live in the light of the Lord.  For years, I denied him.  For years, I cursed him.  For years, I hated him.  He let so much hurt happen to me that there was just no way he could be real and if he were, then he is so cruel and demented that he had to be the devil in disguise.

salvation21Not once did He ever leave my side, not when I turned my back on him, not when I cursed Him, not when I denied Him, not when I yelled at Him, not when I took His name in vain, not when I attacked believers, not when I degraded His name, His Son, and His words, not once did He abandon me.  He has always been with me, waiting for the day I finally turned to him for mercy.  He knew I would even though I swore it could never happen.

That john15_18-20day I wrote my prayer request down on paper and handed it to you, it was not for me, it was for my children.  He heard me and through you, He guided me down the path of all that’s right and just, my path, the one I had to travel, the path that led me to my faith, to Him, and to be saved by God’s Grace.  I was mocked, attacked, degraded, insulted, and defamed in the monster’s attempts to destroy me.  He had an army ofgrace-300x225 minions using lies to assault me and I had myself, armed only with the truth and no army.  I still prevailed.  I fell many times, got knocked down time and time again, got lost, gave in to distractions, gave in to temptations, and almost gave up near the end, but each time I veered off into the wrong direction, that little light appeared and I got back up and back on my path and kept on going.  Just me against the world, determined to reveal the truth.

imagesI did it all on my own – I shouldn’t say all, as I had His guidance through you, but I went against all odds and with almost everyone either against me or neutral, and I still prevailed.  No one wants to be on the side of the lone warrior in battle.  It’s a for sure loss.  Yet, here I stand, victorious.  Reminds me of David and Goliath, but before I digress…He washed away my pain and rewarded me with the most precious gifts.  The rewards for making it to the end of my path to Grace are greater than anyone could ever know or understand unless they have walked the path and reached the end to be saved as I was, by God’s Grace.  Paul, you have done so much for me, yet you are humble and keep saying you didn’t do much each time I try to tell you.  I wanted to write it all out so you could see for yourself the impact you have had on my life and how you led me to my Faith.  Thank you so much.  You have my appreciation and adoration.

Stay StrongWhat greater reward is there than having your faith restored, all the anger, pain and hate washed out of you and replaced by love, and to be saved by God’s Grace?  I say saved because that’s how I feel.  I was saved from the darkness, from the monsters, from the pain and now I stand in the light where I am safe and nothing can hurt me here.  As for the Trials and Tribulations I was forced to face, I had to face them to understand them.  God has plans for me.  I am to guide others through similar trials and tribulations.  How could I do that if I had not faced them and overcome them myself?  God gathers warriors to send out and help those lost find their paths to the light.  He wants all his children in the light where they are safe.

images (1)sola-gratiaThat’s my take on it anyway.  After all I have experienced, I can say that I am right and no one can tell me I don’t know God.  John, you can call me crazy.  I don’t mind anymore.  It’s ok.  I expect to be hearing about how I have gone completely batshit crazy by the end of the evening.  If it makes you fell good, go for it.  You cannot hurt me here.   You can’t come into the light.  To everyone, in all that I have suffered, was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Would I change parts of it?  Of course.  I know that I am not worthy of His Grace, yet I have received it.  How amazing is that?  Even more amazing is that I, of all people, am actually writing this.  Quotation-R-C-Sproul-justice-god-grace-mercy-Meetville-Quotes-156781When we are given such precious gifts that we do not deserve, we must recognize that we do not deserve them and we must appreciate them and hold them dear to our hearts.

May you find your path, see the light, and not fear traveling it alone.

~Mel Saved by Grace

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grace_wordleamazing_grace

Categories: Falsehoods, Love, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why I Do the Things I Do

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There’s a children’s game called Chinese whispers. It has other names such as broken telephone, gossip, pass the message, etc. You may remember playing this game at camp as a kid, in school, or maybe even church. The purpose of the game is to teach children the dangers of gossip and we should neither listen to nor participate in gossip, otherwise known as the spreading of rumors a.k.a. telling lies.  As rumors spread, they change. Any truth the story may have had during the first telling of it is almost always lost by the last telling of it and everything in between has been exaggerated to the point that it becomes nothing but a tall tale with absolutely no truth left to it.

Are you spreader of gossip?  Do you embellish stories as you tell them to make them more interesting? Do you exaggerate parts of the story you focus on and want other people to focus on?  If you cannot remember the full story or the details of the story do you make it up as you go along?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then not only are you spreader of gossip, butdownload you are also a spreader of  lies.  You are a liar whether you realize it or not.  Consider the gossip that you are spreading, the lies that you’re telling to embellish the story, and the person the story is about. Consider the damage that you may be doing by telling the embellished story to others who then tell it to others with their own embellishments who then tell it to even more people with more embellishments and exaggerations and it goes on and on and on until people tire of hearing the story.  Consider the people know who the story is about and don’t like them. They are more apt to add to the story and change it to cause more damage to the victims. And yes victims is the correct term. The people you are spreading rumors about are your victims.

669f0174c30744373a03ea659ae198b5You can say it’s not your fault, you told the story as you heard it, you’re not the one that started it, you were just talking about it with somebody, or whatever other excuse you can come up with so that you do not have to take any of the blame in the damage that is done by the rumor.  Truth is, if you participated in the retelling of the story in any way shape or form, then you do share in the blame for the damage that is being done to the person or persons mentioned in the story.

By spreading the story, you become a perpetrator and the people in the story, your victims.  Think before you speak.  Congratulations you have just turned into a bully ~ an abuser. Your children or somebody else’s children probably overheard the spreading of the story. Children learn what they live and now they have just learned how to gossip and embellish and lie and bully.  You are an adult and you set the example for children to follow. You should behave in the manner you want your children to behave so that they learn right from wrong.

A lot of people like to assume many things about others. Currently, there are a lot of rumors going around about me and why I do the things that I do. It always amazes me the images (1)people would rather assume things about others based on the rumors that they hear instead of asking the person themselves. Life would be so much easier if people had the courage to go directly to the source and get the truth instead of going to the bar to get the rumor.

I am a parent. My children come first. I do the best that I can do and everything I do it’s for the best interest of my children. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes the decision that I make is not in the best interest of the children as I believed it was. I do not do things to cause other people harm. If somebody’s feelings get hurt because of an action I took as a result of me doing what’s in the children’s best interest then that person whose feelings got hurt should ask themselves why their feelings got hurt.  It’s something I do hurt your feelings then it’s probably because you cannot accept the truth about you. If your feelings are hurt it’s possible I feel you’re a threat to my children and if I feel you’re a threat to my children then there is a reason for that; you are a threat to my children. Your feelings are not my problem when it comes to my children. I do not care what you want. I do not care what you desire. Your life is your life to take care of. If you want something that will make you happy in your life then it is your job to go out and get it. It is not my job to provide it for you.  My life is my job and my children are my job and their best interests are my job. I know what my job is and I know how to do my job.

There you have it. I do the things I do because of my children. I have my priorities in order. I know what’s important to me and I know what isn’t important to me.  I know how to handle my life and my priorities and I do not need others to tell me how to handle my own affairs, affairs in which they have no experience in nor knowledge of.  All they have is information they took out of something they heard or overheard from somebody else in a bar, on Facebook or someplace else that was spreading an embellished an exaggerated rumor based on lies, hatred, jealousy, anger or some combination thereof.

Be the person you want your child to be; your child is watching everything you do to be like you.image2

Best wishes,
~ M

Categories: Parenthood | Tags: , , , ,

No More Silence

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Categories: Child Sexual Abuse | Tags: , , , , , , ,