Before I even open my eyes, I call your name. I reach out to place my arm around you, my head on your chest to hear your heart beat. You don’t answer and I can’t feel you. You’re not there. I begin to open my eyes, slowly awake from a deep sleep and dreams of us. The memory hits me again; the memory of your leaving. The the hurt comes back harder than the day before. How long does heartbreak last? Can anything sooth the pain? Only you have been able to sooth the pain. You stopped loving me but I didn’t stop loving you. Then it hits me. This must be how he felt when I simply walked away from him. Then I suddenly understood the hatred. It isn’t hatred at all. It’s pain – the only kind of pain that comes from love which is not reciprocated but had been in the past. Now I see my future in him. Karma. This is my karma.
Posts Tagged With: always love you
Cynthia, remember when you first introduced me to this video?
I remember everything. Sunflowers are your favorite flower. Green is your favorite color. You love the cold and hate the heat. You hate wearing dresses. You hated them since the day you were born. You want to go to Alaska and run the Iditarod. You want to go to Madagascar and work with animals. You want to attend a college in Europe for a year. You are interested in Veterinary services because you want to help the animals.
You are considering being a combat medic and then studying medicine to become a Brain Surgeon. You love cats. You especially like the big kind, like the black panther at the Douglas Zoo named Ninja. He’s probably passed on by now.
You like little dogs but only for a short period of time. Big dogs are more your style because they can go and do things you go and do.
Who you are at the core of your being never changes. It may get lost or buried, but it always stays the same. You have a heart. You are not cold. I know you like to play tough and push people away before you start to care about them. It is easier that way than having your heart broken, but that is not living. If you are not feeling, then you are not living. You want to be happy, but you can never be happy if you never allow yourself to feel. I hope that you are doing well in school. I would like very much to attend your graduation. I am curious to know if you have yet decided on the Navy or a different course. Are you going to prom? Do you need a dress? Let me know and I will make it happen. I always have and I always will. You wanted Washington DC and I gave you Washington DC. You wanted California and I gave you California. I remember your prom dress last year. I remember when you picked it out and sent me the photo. It was over your budget but when I saw you in that dress, I had to get it. You were so excited and thankful. You were the most beautiful young lady at the prom.
You don’t think I hear you or pay attention, but I do. I remember everything you tell me. How else would I know that you have a big heart? I remember the boy that no one liked. You took him under your wing and transformed him and helped him gain friends. He wasn’t the only one, either. A heartless soul would never have done that. I know you don’t like to be touched and I completely understand that. I do not blame you one bit. I would like so very much to hug you and hold you and comfort you so you could get it all out. It is OK to cry sometimes. It is OK to not be OK and to say you are not OK. I don’t expect you to be perfect. I expect you to be you. You are perfectly imperfect and I love every single imperfection. They are what make you, you, and you are so much more than you allow yourself to believe. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. I believe in you. I love you.
With all of my heart and nothing but unconditional love,
I know you don’t believe me when I say that I SEE you, but I do. I’d love to sit and chat the way we used to. I am not blind to your pain, you show it to me everyday. I can see it in your eyes and when I do, I feel it too. Your smile doesn’t hide it anymore. I have tried everything I know how to do. I haven’t had much guidance in the area of motherhood but I do know unconditional love. Nothing is as I had planned. In my mind, you were to have a beautiful life, a loving father, a close bond with your siblings, lots of family around you and the most magical holidays you could ever dream of. It started out that way. Then everything went wrong. I am sorry that things were not what they were meant to be. You deserve so much more. I cannot change the past but we can change the future. I need to know that you are OK. I need to know if I need to come find you.
You know how I am and you know if I don’t hear from you soon, I will start looking for you. Even just a FB message that says “I’m OK” from you will do. I’ll start putting slideshows up of you as a baby. Or perhaps, of your birth. No, I wouldn’t do that. That was a joke to make you go, “EWE”.. I made you a video. I love you Sunshine. You are my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. When you are happy, I am happy. Remember your dreams. Follow your dreams. I know you can do it. Please call me soon.
All of my love, unconditionally, forever and ever,
PS. I will take you video down if you call me and ask me to. I won’t even argue over it. ❤
I wrote you a letter the other day. I was saving it, but I will share it with you now. It is here.
Use your words wisely. You never know the emotional state somebody else is in. When you attack with your words, you risk delivering the blow that shatters the already fragile state causing complete destruction of the heart. As soon as the reality sets in that the monster has finally reached everyone around her with his lies and his mission is accomplished, the realization that she no longer has to consider anyone else’s wishes follows. Why should she when no one considers hers? It’s not going to change a thing about how others see her. She’s already hated, so threatening her with hating her isn’t going to work. We all have triggers. Insults based on her exes lies are triggers. That, on top of what she heard from the person called to tattle on her, as if she’s child and under another’s control, was more than enough. She love unconditionally, but she does not like unconditionally and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she hurts back. Why should she care when no one else does?
To J: You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you? It was a great comment. It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls. I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter. Tell her anything you want to tell her. Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up. Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong. Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now. Tell her what you expect from her in the future. Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see. It will help others in situations like yours. I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and letters. It takes courage to break the silence. You used that courage before. I would like to see you use it again and write anything and everything you feel like writing. That said…………… …of course there’s more. I haven’t even addressed your comment to me yet. ❤
Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa, after all the shit she put everyone thru, and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her, she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.
How long have I known you? Since you were what, about 5 or 6 years old sounds about right. You and my daughter have been best friends for a long time. Your MOTHER and I were best friends for quite some time as well. Your momma was there for me in times I needed somebody most. She was the only one there. I have been to all the birthday parties she has put together for you and your brother. I don’t even think you know what she went through to make each and every birthday as special and as perfect for you as she could. I don’t think you know half of what she has put herself through to take care of you. She doesn’t regret it and she would do it a hundred times over if she had to. She wants nothing but the best for you. She loves you with her whole heart. I remember one Christmas I came by and your momma was in tears That year she didn’t have any money to buy you a present. She didn’t want you to wake up Christmas morning and not have anything. Your momma is proud and it was not easy to get her to accept help and the only reason why she did it was for you. If not for you, she wouldn’t have taken it. I can only imagine what it is like to have a mom love you so much that she would do anything she possibly can to make you happy. You have that. I’ve never had that. Cherish it. Not all of us can be so lucky. Her love for you is unconditional and there nothing in this world you can do to make her stop loving you.
I’m going to break down your comment now and address one piece at a time.
Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa,
Blackmail, eh? You want me to choose between you and your mother? I do not make deals with people’s lives. I have tried to get JJ to understand that for some time now, but he is a sick narcissistic sociopath and blackmail is one of the abusive tactics they use regularly. JJ the child molester has your dad as a friend. Why don’t you tell your dad to get out of his house as long as he and JJ are friends? That’s a guy that doesn’t even deserve to live let alone walk around free. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with all the damage he has caused. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with raping his own daughter. Look at that anger festering up inside of you. It’s festered so long that it’s blinded you. You have every right to be angry. No one blames you for being angry. She hurt you and she was supposed to always protect you. I was supposed to protect my kids too and I failed. I didn’t hurt them directly, but I never even seen the signs that they were being hurt. Your momma did something she should have never done. She knows that. She admits it. So now I get the silent treatment because you have mommy issues. That’s OK. I still love you. My love is unconditional as well.
Be aware of the path you are on and don’t become cold, bitter and heartless. You are beautiful and intelligent. You love your momma. I know this. Stop hiding your love behind your anger. Let your love shine through and the anger will fade away.
after all the shit she put everyone thru,
“Everyone” meaning who?“ All the shit meaning what?” Does no one else have any responsibility for what has happened to them in their lives? What about all the shit your momma has been through? You haven’t been through half the shit she had been through by the time she reached your age. Is that insignificant? Does it make any difference at all? It doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She still has to own her behavior and take responsibility for it. Just as your poor behavior right now is explained by shit you went through. It is not excused by it though. You still have to own it and take responsibility for it. Knowing where you’ve been shows you are not a mean, spiteful, hateful girl. You’re angry and you need to heal. I see you through your anger. When you do not take the time to heal, you end up being the one hurting those you love. You cannot address the abuse she inflicted without addressing why she inflicted it; what made her what she was. To kill a weed, you have to kill its roots. If you pluck it off at the top, it will come back next time it rains. Break the Silence. That is why it is so important to talk about it, raise awareness, and get your story out there. It helps you AND it helps others.
and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her,
Junk? Obviously if you are calling it junk then you couldn’t understand. You don’t even know what it is. You cannot understand that which you don’t know. Do you know my cause, J? Do you know what I stand for? That “junk” on my page includes things such as #LoveChangesPeople , Make #Compassion go viral, #ShatterTheSilence , #TakeControl , #MakeSomebodySmileToday . We are women, we are warriors, we are mothers and we are proud. We once were victims. Then Survivors. Now Warriors. As warriors, we help those who need help. You can’t understand it because you are too blinded by your anger which is derived from fear. Some go from Victim to Abuser, much like your momma did. But they do not have to stay on that path. They can change direction and become warriors. Some just need a little more help than others. Guidance, love, support, kindness and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words. I am not asking you to pretend like everything bad is gone. I know it will take time and words don’t mean much. I am asking you for patience and observation. Watch your momma transform into the beautiful woman you remember as a child. Withhold judgment and don’t stand in her way to recovery and healing. Don’t trip her and cause her to fall off the path of all that’s right and just. Let her reach the end to be saved by His Grace and have her pain and sorrow washed away and replaced with joy. You don’t think she deserves it, but God does. No one, not even you, deserves God’s Grace but he waits for us to reach him so he can give it to us anyway. He is waiting for you, too and he will wash away your pain and sorrow too. You cannot understand that until it happens but when it happens, you will know and you will never be able to deny it. All of that aside, your momma is my friend and friends help friends without judging them. Family helps family without judging them. Unconditional Love. You never turn your back on those who were there for you when you needed them.
she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.
Says who? Says you? And to what do you base such judgment on? Her actions? What about your actions, J? You and I both know you are not perfect and you have done some pretty mean and hateful things. Shall we talk about the little dog you decided you didn’t want anymore and how you tried to get rid of it? Shall you be judged for that little incident for the rest of your life? You tried to kill a little puppy with poison, J, a little puppy that you wanted and then when it got a little older, you grew tired of it and were ready to throw it in the garbage so you could get a brand new one.
So what is this ‘inevitable’ you speak of? Death? We all die, J. We all try our best to prolong it, don’t we? You had so much heart when you were little. Where did it all go? Before you tell me it died or that you’ve been hardened due to the shit that’s happened, think about how your momma got hardened. Can you honestly tell me that you can condemn her for being exactly the way you are headed to be? That’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? You can’t condemn her unless you are without error and on a different path than she was on.
Who are you to decide what type of friends she deserves? God placed her in my path for a reason, J. Evidently, God says she deserves a friend like me and who are you to question God? Maybe she doesn’t deserve such a hateful daughter. Really, she doesn’t but that is what she has to work with and by the Grace of God she will and by His Grace she will succeed and your heart will change. Speaking of who deserves what, did she deserve what she got from her daddy while growing up? Of course not.
You are afraid that if you give her this chance and let your guard down that she will fail you and mess it all up and you will get hurt again. You cannot live your life in fear of what may happen. You will never know unless you try and getting hurt is a risk that goes along with that but it is a risk that must be taken else you’ll never accomplish anything in life but death and your life would mean nothing and you would never get your purpose. Jump, J. Take a leap of faith. Try it and see what happens. What are you afraid of? I bet when you first started reading this, you thought to yourself that you don’t care and that your heart is cold. If you don’t care and your heart can’t get broke, then there really is no excuse for you not to try, is there? Heck, do it just to prove me wrong. Take it as a dare. Let’s see how it goes.
With all my heart,
That’s the true answer. When you asked the question, I lied and said NOTHING. I lied to hide the pain. I did not want you to see how much it hurt me. I have always loved you. I never once stopped. I did what had to be done. When I left you, I left you my heart. I wanted to come back to it. Things did not go as I had hoped they would go. Perhaps it was you, perhaps it was me, perhaps it was both of us, perhaps it was interference. Would things have turned out any differently had I handled them differently? I have no answers. You were my forever love. My one and only. We were to grow old together.
You asked me what I would miss if I walked out that door and the truth is, I have missed everything and I would do anything to be able to change the way I did things. Often times I wonder if you think about me. I think about you. I have searched for you, but you do not want to be found. There are so many things I want to tell you, but you do not want to hear them. Do I still hold your heart? Have you never stopped loving me as I have never stopped loving you? Do you remember our love? When we first met? When you first kissed me? When you first said you think you love me? The first time we shared our love together, the poetry you wrote me, the letters you sent to me, the day you got down on one knee and proposed, when I said yes, when we wed, when made babies, our home together, and every moment of joy in between? I remember everything and it’s that everything that I have missed.
I will always love you. I will always hope you are doing well. I will always wish things had turned out differently, the way we planned on them turning out. I want you to know that I never meant to break your heart and your heart is not the only one that broke that day. Mine broke too. I cannot change that which has been done. What is done, is done and turning back the hands of time is not an option. I need my heart back, so please release it. I have finally found someone as worthy as you once were to hold it for me. He is good to me, as you once were. You would like him. He keeps it real and only keeps real people around him. He doesn’t focus on the irrelevant and has no need to bullshit. Giving him my heart to hold does not mean you won’t still have a part of it. It just means that it is time for my heart to move on and time for me to love once more. I want you to get up and go out and love once more as well. I want you to have the happiness, the peace, the love and the joy that you so deserve. Someday, I will see you again and you will hear my words. I don’t know when nor where, but someday it will be so.
You asked me what I would miss if I left. I told you I would not miss a thing. I lied. The truth is, I have missed EVERYTHING.