Posts Tagged With: compassion

Mel’s Ramblings

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes. I own my mistakes. I accept the consequences of my actions. I am nobody to judge anybody else. Why do those are the same as me, somehow think they’re better than me and have a right judge me? Everyone is the same. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody has the right to judge anybody else. I just wish the world would remember that. I wish certain people in my life would remember that.

These last few months have shown me how alone I really am. Getting a phone call from anyone other than my Daddy and texts from anyone other than my oldest daughter, Tiffany, is rare and far and few between. I know that some, like my best friend Polly and my younger brothers and sister have been going through there on ordeals which of course take priority in their lives. Yet others, who I thought would be there for support, vanished from my life. Then, there are those who have chosen to continue the gossip; spreading rumors, innuendos and judgements as if they are somehow above me and have never made mistakes and errors in judgement.

I’ve learned that I’m no one’s priority other than my own; no one can ever be trusted 100% other than my dad; and that most people who ask how you are would prefer you answer with the lie and say “great” than to tell the truth and say “not so good”. When you tell the truth, they stop asking because they don’t want to feel obligated to listen to your problems and help you fix them.

I think sometimes people forget or just simply don’t know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed with trials and tribulations that all you can do is pray for somebody to step in and help pick them back up, brush off the dust, and tell them it’s all going to be ok and that if no one does, how easy it is to simply give up because no one seems to care one way or another anyway.

And it is true that some people really do not care one way or the other as long as their life is going good for them. I have heard the phrase, “not my problem”, more times in the last three months then I think I have heard in my entire life. When did we reach the point where people only care about themselves not about the people around them? Just because it’s not your problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help, does it? Sometimes, the only help when needs is an ear to listen and a mouth that delivers wise advice. Is that so hard to do these days? Where has all the empathy gone? And if you can’t take the time out to listen to another and advise them what makes you think everyone should take the time to listen to you when you find yourself in an upward battle? Are you really that much better than the rest of the world?

Ramblings from the mind of a broken-hearted, lost soul.

Forever in his Grace,

Mel

Categories: Adventure, Friendship, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

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I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


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I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


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I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


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It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

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He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


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My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


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It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


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Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Broken

And so I picked up what's left of the broken pieces of
my soul and created a magnificent masterpiece and displayed
it for all the world to see the beauty in
The Broken.

The Broken live in an alternate reality. We see what the Unbroken cannot see.


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They see a black or white world; bad or good. We see all the shades of grey; bad and good together in everything. We see the Monsters wearing suits and the Angels wearing rags. They cannot see the Monsters. They cannot see the Angels. They are Unbroken. They have not crawled through the depths of hell and climbed their way up and out like We have.


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They have not been brought down to their knees and experienced excruciating agony; the kind that makes you pray for death. They have not taken the Road Less Traveled; been Persecuted; journeyed down the Long and Lonely, Narrow and Difficult Path that leads to their Faith; to meet God; to be saved by HIS Amazing Grace; to have their Pain and Suffering washed away; to be granted their Treasures Beyond Imagination; to receive their Purpose in Life’s Adventures.




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They travel the Wide Roads in Packs, through the Darkness, lost but Content, following those in front of them. They Fear the Unknown. They Fear Walking Alone, for they Mock and Persecute those who do. They only take a stand when the Pack takes a stand and when they stand, they stand for all the wrong reasons; they stand for selfish reasons; they stand with expectations of gaining something in return; arrogantly thinking that they are on their way to the lights shining down from heaven above. The light they see is not the glorious light of heaven, but the glow of the intense inferno burning deep in the depths of hell.




2015-06-01 08.57.49The Unbroken cannot see all of the world’s realities. The Unbroken live in ignorant bliss, blind to the harsh reality that they walk alongside and follow behind the Evil-Doers; the Monsters sent from Hell to keep them Living in the Darkness; to Trip them when they stand on the Path of Righteousness and Pull them back down into the Darkness to keep them from following the Path to all that’s Right and Just in this world.



John 1-9


2015-05-31 10.06.222015-03-30 19.08.23The Broken have faced the Monsters; Witnessed and Experienced first hand how truly Cruel and Evil the Monsters in man’s mask can be.  They’ve been Broken Beyond Repair by the Monster’s Evil Works; then finally, found Balance and Stood up as The Lone Warrior, Armed only with Truth and Knowledge and Surrounded by Heaven’s Light, against the Pack. The Truth and Knowledge granted at the end of their Journey to meet God provided them Strength and Power which the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Possess. Neither the Monsters nor the Unbroken can enter the Light shining down from Heaven.  The Broken Rose up Above the Darkness and the Monsters and defeated them in Glorious Victory.


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The Broken see everything the Unbroken cannot see for the Broken have lived and survived the Adventures down the long, lonely, narrow and dangerous path through the depths of hell and climbed their way out.  No one who hasn’t lived it could ever imagine it. If they cannot imagine it; then they cannot believe it. If they cannot believe it; then it cannot be true. If it cannot be true; then the Broken must be Insane. It is easier to believe that the Broken are Insane than it is to believe that there are Horrors in this world committed by Monsters wearing Masks of Men with whom they walk alongside for Company and follow from behind for Direction.


We, the Broken, Live in an Alternate Reality; See the Unseen; Know the Unknown; Hear the Unheard; Speak the Unspoken; Possess a Strength that the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Feel unless they become Broken.


Melissa Livingston
Surrounded by Heaven’s Light
March 23, 2015 – Published July 23, 2015

Categories: Adventure, Healing | Tags: , , , , , ,

Your False Rumors and Gossips are Killing my Children.

SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE 

Please take a moment to read a few articles on one of my favorite WordPress sites, Uncommon Graces.  Then share our message that #LoveChangesPeople .  Love is unconditional. We all need it and we all deserve it.  Without it, we all fall down.


In January 2013, when John came and asked me for another chance to make our marriage work, I was very hesitant. I had already come accustomed to the way things were.  I had a routine. The children and I had a great relationship.  We had long talks.  We put puzzles together. I’d get home from work, clean up the house, make dinner, and enjoy spending time with the children I had left after hurricane John hit us.  My bills were all paid on time every month.  I paid off all my loans.  I bought my very first brand new washer and dryer set, fancy ones at that and paid them off.  It was the greatest feeling and I was free to live.  I was seeing somebody who was non-abusive, worked hard, and had his priorities in order.  He also understood that my children always come first and never did he try to change that.  Like a fool, in the name of what’s considered proper by the general public, I gave him that second chance.  He made promises to change his priorities, give up being a drug dealer, become properly employed, and help me with all the family responsibilities.  I didn’t believe him, but I wanted to.  I told the person I was seeing that I was going to try to make the marriage work.  I don’t know how he convinced the children to accept him back home, but he pulled it off.  He talks his way into and out of everything yet when he talks, he never really says anything.  He simply says one thing a dozen time in a dozen different ways.  The texts between John and the children continue to bother me.  They don’t read like conversations between a father and his child.  They turn my stomach and make me want to vomit.



I’m not used to family members keeping secrets from other family members.  My daughter had been adamant before about him not moving with us when we left Golden Acres in August 2012 but when I asked how she felt about him coming back into our lives, she approved and with her approval the decision was made.  I had no idea what I would learn a year and a half later about the true nature of the relationship between John and the children.  She wanted to see me happy and thought that’s what I wanted.

If only I had known then what I know now

By mid-year, he hadn’t kept not one promise.  The house was in disarray.  The bills were unpaid.  He was spending a lot of money at the bar.  He continued being a drug dealer.  He never even looked for legal employment.  His priorities were not the family members nor the family responsibilities.  His number one priority continued to be himself and his weed.  I was not happy.  No one was happy.  Then I saw the texts between John and Tiffany.  Then I knew.

Here is a short preview of that conversation I read.  I will be posting the completed video this evening.

Still, trying to hold on to the tiniest piece of hope, I tried to look past those text messages and everything else, for the sake of “children need both parents in the home to be properly raised” and “God is against divorce, for better or for worse, make it work, stick it out”.  Bullshit.  No one should ever be that unhappy.  I decided it was over and I decided to wait until after Christmas to tell him.  I had an out of town guest, so I waited until after she went home.  On January 6, 2014, I told him it wasn’t working out.  We tried but I wasn’t happy and everything was wrong.  He said he was happy, but I don’t believe he was.  I think he just wanted to keep certain people close by to ensure they continue to keep their mouths shut.  We were sleeping in separate bedrooms by then.  He became very angry when I told him it was over and that I had been unhappy.  He failed to do his duties as a father and a husband and a man.  He remained selfish and continued to endanger the family.

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2015-01-13 03.08.10A week or two later, he moved out.  I had no idea what I was about to get hit with.  I had no idea he had already been badmouthing me to my children and everyone else he came into contact with.  I had no idea he had been threatening and bullying the children to keep their mouths shut about what he had done to them and to me for so many years.  I had no idea he was getting ready to launch the nastiest, dirtiest smear campaign against me and that his lies would spread so fast and so far that no one even knew where they originated from and eventually, everyone believed it all.  Only once has anyone contacted me to ask me if there was any truth to the rumors or truth in what John was telling others.  They simply believed all his lies, no questions asked.

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The Mirror Syndrome

I am his mirror. What he says about me is him self-projecting onto me. He is the crazy drug addict pissed off because I left him and he can’t get over me.

Now everyone believes I’m some drug-addicted, psycho-lunatic who’s pissed off at my ex-husband for leaving me and unable to get over him.  It’s even going through the schools.  It’s all over the High School.  My children hear about it on a regular basis.  I am hearing about it, too.  The hardest part, or at least one of the hardest parts, is that some of those people and I have known each other for a very long time and they should know better.  At least now I know who all the fake people are.  Those are the type of people that will stab you in the back in a heartbeat without ever having a second thought.  Trust no one unless they have stood by you on your death bed.  Only one or two people you know would do that and it doesn’t matter if you know 100 people or 1,000 people.  There are only a couple out of the entire bunch that are your true friends.  And to you, who wrote those lies to me I’ve displayed beneath this paragraph, if you wanted to keep the drama out of your life, then you should not have posted that nasty drama-filled bullshit comment to me about your mother on your Facebook wall.  It’s none of your business who my friends are and it’s none of your business who I help.  I see you are repeating his lies.  You are a gossiper and you spread lies and lies destroy lives.  You spread lies about your own mother.  Not everything everyone tells you is true.  You couldn’t even address the questions I asked you about your generalized statement badmouthing your mother.  You know why?  Because Liars and Abusers are vague in their stories so if they get called out, they can rearrange them and tell you that you misunderstood.  You figure out who the Liar and Abuser is.  Just read the signs.  Who smears your mother the most?  Not all abuse is physical, little girl.  I suggest you do some truth-seeking and stop believing everything you hear without question.  God gave you a brain for a reason.images (2)

jos is a bitch

I believe it is in the middle school and my younger son is being affected by it all.  Of course, I get all the blame for that because I write my story and not cover it up.  I’m the town pariah, the town joke, my children’s embarrassment, evidently.  That’s the perspective their words leave me with.  That’s OK.  Anyone that I find spreading lies and can document it will eventually end up called out on their bullshit right here in my blogs.  I am allowed to write my story.  If you don’t want a part in my story, then I suggest you keep my name out of your mouth and stay away from my children.  John’s damages to the family are enormous and continue to grow.  There’s no way to stop it.  To make it worse, people like the girl up there, people I’ve known since they were little children, are spreadingThose with an evil heart the rumors as well.  It took me seven months to find a therapist who was capable of counseling us in our situation but by the time I found one, it appeared to be too late.  Not one day goes by which I am not reminded me that John beat my boys, raped my girls, manipulated my mind, used and abused and destroyed the family from the inside out. That is John’s doing.

I know it is easier to hurt everyone and push them away so you don’t get hurt again than it is to deal with the pain and suffering of the past to put it behind you.  You’ll never move forward into true happiness until you take the difficult path.  The path of all that’s right and just is the most difficult path to follow.  It is also the most rewarding path.  When you reach the end of that portion of your adventure through life, all your sorrows will be washed away, you’ll be saved by His Grace, you’ll receive the most valuable of treasures that no money can buy and you’ll know what your purpose in life is.

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669f0174c30744373a03ea659ae198b5I hate this town.  I hate the people in this town.  I hate everything about this place.  No one ever stops to question anything they hear.  They believe it and then they spread it around, embellish it, and not once do they consider the effects of their actions or how much pain they are causing others – how much harm and damage they are doing with their gossip.  They just love the gossip and the drama.  They mock the ones they hurt.  They don’t care what happens to those they spread lies about and they don’t care if children are involved and getting hurt as well.

424102_347545188613380_237871249580775_1157938_638776903_nI want to thank all of you assholes in Sierra Vista for spreading your gossip and killing families and lives one rumor at a time.  Thank you for your ignorance, your love for drama, and your ability to believe anything you hear without question and passing judgment based on rumors, without hearing both sides of the story and without any evidence on people you have never met before in your entire life.  How sad your lives must be that you get off on ruining the lives of others.  I don’t even know why I continue to live anymore.  I see no point in continuing to fight the rumors.  They are bigger than me and I am all alone in the battle.  There are hundreds of you spreading the lies and only me trying to dispel them.  You’re hurting my children and you’re hurting me and not 446a476ce7cad43dbf3a402e4314b7fcone of you give a shit.  I have boxes upon boxes of evidence to support my statments while he has none, but none of you have even questioned his claims.  You don’t care.  You don’t want the truth.  The lies are so much easier to digest.



I am done.  I am so done.  I can’t do this anymore.

I am a warrior! I cannot quit. These are my children, your children, his children, her children, our children….I am not done yet!

BECAUSE IT SHOULD NOT TAKE 7 MONTHS TO FIND A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY AFTER YEARS OF TRAUMATIC ABUSES, WE BRING TO YOU HEALING HANDS OF ARIZONA!

#KidsMatterOK

To answer the questions and/or address the rumors:

No, I am not a psycho lunatic.  I have seen a therapist and am still seeing a therapist.  I am perfectly sane.  I only appear to be insane due to the tremendous amount of stress and worry and learning all about the sexual abuses and that John lied about everything.  Forgive me for the continuous state of shock and anger as I learn more and more about who he really is and what he has done.  How sane would you look after learning such things happened in your life?

No, I am not a drug addict.  Yes, I have lost weight. I am ill. You would not know because you have not asked.  I will be better some day.  I have never failed a drug test, not even a hair strand test.  I’ve been reported multiple times to police and CPS over the past year and been cleared of the drug-use accusations every single time.  I have the test results from both the hair strand and urine tests.  I have even had police show up to my house just after returning home from picking my son up from school a few weeks back.  They gave me a sobriety test and checked me for being under the influence of any other substances.  I was reported to have been DUI by an anonymous caller that day at the exact time I was to be at the school picking my son up.  As always, I was clean and sober.  I have the police report and test results from that day.

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No, I am not mad that he left me.  He didn’t even leave me.  I ended the marriage.  I left him.  No, I do not want him back.  No, I am not having trouble letting go or getting over him.  I let go and got over him the second time he caused out children to be removed from our home by Child Protective Services.  He isn’t even who he pretended to be when we met or during our marriage.

No, I am not using my son against him nor am I saying any of the things I am saying to “get what I want from him”.  He has nothing that I want.  I keep my son away from him to keep my son safe from John’s lying and abusive ways.  I cannot allow my youngest child near himknowing what he is and what he has done.  I know not a single one of you would ever leave your child with a man you knew lost all of his children and had his rights severed severed for neglect, child abuse and molestation; was a drug addict and a drug dealer; you knew for a fact the foregoing was true; and it was also found and ruled true by the courts as well as substantiated by Child Protected Services. If it is highlighted, it is documented in one or more of my children’s records.

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I am pissed off because he lied throughout our entire marriage.  I am pissed off because he abused all of my children, mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually.  I am pissed off because he demolished my family and laughs at the devastation he left behind.  I am pissed off because I fell for all his lies.  I am pissed off because I was used and emotionally abused and manipulated for fourteen years.  I am pissed off because all the assholes in this town don’t even look at the facts or the other side of the story before passing judgment.  I am pissed off because all of your defamatory ways are continuing to cause my children harm and preventing them from healing and putting this behind us.  I am pissed off because none of you have the common decency to come directly to me and ask me about what you heard before you continue spreading it.  I am pissed off because the Detective heading up the investigation keeps getting pulled away for other investigations.  I am pissed off because even though there is a protective order against John, he continues to harass us, file false reports against me, try to get me fired, try to get me arrested and try to get CPS to remove my son from my custody.  They would never place my son with him.  My son would have to go to a group home and hope for a foster family.  I am pissed off because all of you fools don’t even consider the consequences of your actions.

I am pissed up because he is terrorizing my son through his CPS reporting actions as well as causing him to be suicidal through his harassment of me.  He was very disturbed after reading the things John and his buddies write about me on Facebook.  He knows none of it is true, was very upset with the threats and wants his father to stop with all the lies and attacks.  It is causing him to be depressed and want to die. He knows his father is attacking me to try to force me to send him to live with his father.  He believes that if he was not alive that his father would stop attacking me.  He has considered suicide to protect me from his father.  I tried my best to shield him from the ugliness but John made that impossible by lying to him and making him mad at me, making me show him that his father was lying.  Afterwards, his father unblocked and refriended him on Facebook where saw all the things his father is saying about his mother and doing to his mother and planning to do to his mother.  I took him straight to therapy.  I asked Wes, the best friend I am accused of cheating on John with, to tell John to stop posting all the garbage before image_thumb.pngmy son ends up seeing it.  Wes ignored me. He doesn’t give a shit about the children either. Of course he wouldn’t and I never should have expected him to have any kind of decency considering he allows John to lie and tell people he and I were having sex when John and I were together.  I asked Sherri to ask John to remove it. She ignored me. Now I learn that she used me. She’s not the victim she made herself out to be. She is the narcissist. I became suspicious after she and I discussed everything and after seeing all the evidence, knowing John molested the girls, knowing who and what he is, she continues to support him. Maybe it’s because of the night she spent with him having drunk sex all night and she doesn’t want Lars, her boyfriend to find out. Either way, I screwed up by helping her shut her CPS case and now I have to fix my screw-up. I already know what I need to do and I have everything I need to do it with.

228fc3d53fb166d8add0d8d0dbdbd45eSay what you will about me, but know that you are no better than anyone else and know that what you are doing when you continue to spread your bullshit is causing irreparable damage to innocent children who have already been through hell and you are killing them.  I am pissed.  I have not made enough noise.  I have not been loud enough.  It’s time to get much, much louder!

Good day.

LET’S GET LOUD.  #iOWNmyVOICEuseYOURS  You know, the message I’m sending is about how your words can hurt people.  Just recently, a group of friends I have, lost somebody to suicide.  It happened to be the same day I learned about the effects all of my ex’s words and those helping him spread them, is having on my youngest child.  I have three suicidal children due to the emotional and physical abuses they have suffered from John, their step-father/father.  You people need to wake the fuck up and I am going to keep getting louder and louder until you do.  I am only one person.  It is me against the world.  But perhaps, I am not only one person.  All it takes is one person to spread a disease to an entire town.  The disease I choose to spread is love.  #LoveChangesPeople

Categories: Child Sexual Abuse, Falsehoods, Fraud, Narcissistic Sociopath, Parenthood, Tragedy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

SUNSHINE

Cynthia, remember when you first introduced me to this video?

I remember everything. Sunflowers are your favorite flower. Green is your favorite color. You love the cold and hate the heat. You hate wearing dresses. You hated them since the day you were born. You want to go to Alaska and run the Iditarod. You want to go to Madagascar and work with animals. You want to attend a college in Europe for a year. You are interested in Veterinary services because you want to help the animals.

You are considering being a combat medic and then studying medicine to become a Brain Surgeon. You love cats. You especially like the big kind, like the black panther at the Douglas Zoo named Ninja. He’s probably passed on by now.

You like little dogs but only for a short period of time. Big dogs are more your style because they can go and do things you go and do.

Who you are at the core of your being never changes. It may get lost or buried, but it always stays the same. You have a heart. You are not cold. I know you like to play tough and push people away before you start to care about them. It is easier that way than having your heart broken, but that is not living. If you are not feeling, then you are not living. You want to be happy, but you can never be happy if you never allow yourself to feel. I hope that you are doing well in school. I would like very much to attend your graduation. I am curious to know if you have yet decided on the Navy or a different course.  Are you going to prom?  Do you need a dress?  Let me know and I will make it happen.  I always have and I always will.  You wanted Washington DC and I gave you Washington DC.  You wanted California and I gave you California.  I remember your prom dress last year.  I remember when you picked it out and sent me the photo.  It was over your budget but when I saw you in that dress, I had to get it.  You were so excited and thankful.  You were the most beautiful young lady at the prom.

You don’t think I hear you or pay attention, but I do. I remember everything you tell me. How else would I know that you have a big heart?  I remember the boy that no one liked.  You took him under your wing and transformed him and helped him gain friends.  He wasn’t the only one, either.  A heartless soul would never have done that.  I know you don’t like to be touched and I completely understand that. I do not blame you one bit. I would like so very much to hug you and hold you and comfort you so you could get it all out. It is OK to cry sometimes. It is OK to not be OK and to say you are not OK. I don’t expect you to be perfect. I expect you to be you. You are perfectly imperfect and I love every single imperfection.  They are what make you, you, and you are so much more than you allow yourself to believe.  Believe in yourself.  Love yourself.  I believe in you.  I love you.

With all of my heart and nothing but unconditional love,

Mom.

Categories: Adventure, Life, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Words Can Hurt and Words Can Heal

clip_image001Use your words wisely. You never know the emotional state somebody else is in.  When you attack with your words, you risk delivering the blow that shatters the already fragile state causing complete destruction of the heart. As soon as the reality sets in that the monster has finally reached everyone around her with his lies and his mission is accomplished, the realization that she no longer has to consider anyone else’s wishes follows.  Why should she when no one considers hers?  It’s not going to change a thing about how others see her.  She’s already hated, so threatening her with hating her isn’t going to work.  We all have triggers. Insults based on her exes lies are triggers. That, on top of what she heard from the person called to tattle on her, as if she’s child and under another’s  control, was more than enough.  She love unconditionally, but she does not like unconditionally and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she hurts back.  Why should she care when no one else does?

To J:  You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you?  It was a great comment.  It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls.  I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter.  Tell her anything you want to tell her.  Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up.  Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong.  Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now.  Tell her what you expect from her in the future.  Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see.  It will help others in situations like yours.  I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and letters.  It takes courage to break the silence.  You used that courage before.  I would like to see you use it again and write anything and everything you feel like writing.  That said…………… …of course there’s more.  I haven’t even addressed your comment to me yet. ❤

You wrote

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa, after all the shit she put everyone thru, and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her, she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[10]How long have I known you? Since you were what, about 5 or 6 years old sounds about right. You and my daughter have been best friends for a long time. Your MOTHER and I were best friends for quite some time as well. Your momma was there for me in times I needed somebody most. She was the only one there. I have been to all the birthday parties she has put together for you and your brother. I don’t even think you know what she went through to make each and every birthday as special and as perfect for you as she could. I don’t think you know half of what she has put herself through to take care of you.  She doesn’t regret it and she would do it a hundred times over if she had to.  She wants nothing but the best for you. She loves you with her whole heart. I remember one Christmas I came by and your momma was in tears  That year she didn’t have any money to buy you a present. She didn’t want you to wake up Christmas morning and not have anything. Your momma is proud and it was not easy to get her to accept help and the only reason why she did it was for you. If not for you, she wouldn’t have taken it. I can only imagine what it is like to have a mom love you so much that she would do anything she possibly can to make you happy. You have that.  I’ve never had that.  Cherish it.  Not all of us can be so lucky.  Her love for you is unconditional and there nothing in this world you can do to make her stop loving you.

I’m going to break down your comment now and address one piece at a time.

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa,

Blackmail, eh?  You want me to choose between you and your mother?  I do not make deals with people’s lives.  I have tried to get JJ to understand that for some time now, but he is a sick narcissistic sociopath and blackmail is one of the abusive tactics they use regularly.  JJ the child molester has your dad as a friend. Why don’t you tell your dad to get out of his house as long as he and JJ are friends?  That’s a guy that doesn’t even deserve to live let alone walk around free. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with all the damage he has caused.  He doesn’t even see anything wrong with raping his own daughter.  Look at that anger festering up inside of you. It’s festered so long that it’s blinded you. You have every right to be angry. No one blames you for being angry. She hurt you and she was supposed to always protect you. I was supposed to protect my kids too and I failed. I didn’t hurt them directly, but I never even seen the signs that they were being hurt. Your momma did something she should have never done. She knows that. She admits it.  So now I get the silent treatment because you have mommy issues. That’s OK. I still love you. My love is unconditional as well.

Be aware of the path you are on and don’t become cold, bitter and heartless. You are beautiful and intelligent. You love your momma. I know this. Stop hiding your love behind your anger. Let your love shine through and the anger will fade away.

after all the shit she put everyone thru,

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“Everyone” meaning who?“ All the shit meaning what?” Does no one else have any responsibility for what has happened to them in their lives? What about all the shit your momma has been through? You haven’t been through half the shit she had been through by the time she reached your age.  Is that insignificant? Does it make any difference at all? It doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She still has to own her behavior and take responsibility for it.  Just as your poor behavior right now is explained by shit you went through. It is not excused by it though. You still have to own it and take responsibility for it. Knowing where you’ve been shows you are not a mean, spiteful, hateful girl. You’re angry and you need to heal.  I see you through your anger.  When you do not take the time to heal, you end up being the one hurting those you love.  You cannot address the abuse she inflicted without addressing why she inflicted it; what made her what she was.  To kill a weed, you have to kill its roots.  If you pluck it off at the top, it will come back next time it rains.  Break the Silence.  That is why it is so important to talk about it, raise awareness, and get your story out there.  It helps you AND it helps others.

and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her,

clip_image002Junk? Obviously if you are calling it junk then you couldn’t understand. You don’t even know what it is. You cannot understand that which you don’t know. Do you know my cause, J? Do you know what I stand for? That “junk” on my page includes things such as #LoveChangesPeople , Make #Compassion go viral, #ShatterTheSilence , #TakeControl , #MakeSomebodySmileToday . We are women, we are warriors, we are mothers and we are proud. We once were victims. Then Survivors. Now Warriors. As warriors, we help those who need help. You can’t understand it because you are too blinded by your anger which is derived from fear. Some go from Victim to Abuser, much like your momma did. But they do not have to stay on that path. They can change direction and become warriors. Some just need a little more help than others. Guidance, love, support, kindness and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words. I am not asking you to pretend like everything bad is gone. I know it will take time and words don’t mean much. I am asking you for patience and observation. Watch your momma transform into the beautiful woman you remember as a child. Withhold judgment and don’t stand in her way to recovery and healing. Don’t trip her and cause her to fall off the path of all that’s right and just. Let her reach the end to be saved by His Grace and have her pain and sorrow washed away and replaced with joy. You don’t think she deserves it, but God does. No one, not even you, deserves God’s Grace but he waits for us to reach him so he can give it to us anyway. He is waiting for you, too and he Unconditional Lovewill wash away your pain and sorrow too. You cannot understand that until it happens but when it happens, you will know and you will never be able to deny it.  All of that aside, your momma is my friend and friends help friends without judging them.  Family helps family without judging them.  Unconditional Love.  You never turn your back on those who were there for you when you needed them.

she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[4]Says who? Says you? And to what do you base such judgment on? Her actions? What about your actions, J? You and I both know you are not perfect and you have done some pretty mean and hateful things. Shall we talk about the little dog you decided you didn’t want anymore and how you tried to get rid of it? Shall you be judged for that little incident for the rest of your life? You tried to kill a little puppy with poison, J, a little puppy that you wanted and then when it got a little older, you grew tired of it and were ready to throw it in the garbage so you could get a brand new one.

More-GraceSo what is this ‘inevitable’ you speak of? Death? We all die, J. We all try our best to prolong it, don’t we? You had so much heart when you were little. Where did it all go? Before you tell me it died or that you’ve been hardened due to the shit that’s happened, think about how your momma got hardened. Can you honestly tell me that you can condemn her for being exactly the way you are headed to be? That’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? You can’t condemn her unless you are without error and on a different path than she was on.

VictimOfGraceQuote2.jpgWho are you to decide what type of friends she deserves? God placed her in my path for a reason, J. Evidently, God says she deserves a friend like me and who are you to question God? Maybe she doesn’t deserve such a hateful daughter. Really, she doesn’t but that is what she has to work with and by the Grace of God she will and by His Grace she will succeed and your heart will change.  Speaking of who deserves what, did she deserve what she got from her daddy while growing up?  Of course not.

2014-12-20 21.35.19-1You are afraid that if you give her this chance and let your guard down that she will fail you and mess it all up and you will get hurt again. You cannot live your life in fear of what may happen. You will never know unless you try and getting hurt is a risk that goes along with that but it is a risk that must be taken else you’ll never accomplish anything in life but death and your life would mean nothing and you would never get your purpose. Jump, J. Take a leap of faith. Try it and see what happens.  What are you afraid of?  I bet when you first started reading this, you thought to yourself that you don’t care and that your heart is cold.  If you don’t care and your heart can’t get broke, then there really is no excuse for you not to try, is there?  Heck, do it just to prove me wrong.  Take it as a dare.  Let’s see how it goes.


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With all my heart,

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Categories: Child Sexual Abuse, Healing, Love, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Repairs

Friends are like ass cheeks.  Shit sometimes separates them but they always come back together.The purge is working.  I am feeling much better and once again moving forward in my recovery.There is nothing left tugging at my hem, trying to trip me up. This is good.  What makes it even better is the purge made space for real friends to return to my life.

I am back to making progress.  I’m still wearing my boots. I am nowhere near tired yet.  Progress has a way of giving me strength.  Late last year, I attempted to contact an old friend.  She was once my best friend.  She was always there for me.  I wrote about her on no more silence at Jigsy.  It is not like me to turn my back on a true friend.  I knew she was a true friend, but somehow, John managed to make me believe she wasn’t.  I came to believe she was just using me to get to him.  He told me that.  He told me that she approached him and told him she wanted him all to herself.  I believed it at the time.  I’m not so sure I believe it now.  Maybe he lied or maybe he told her a lie that got her to thinking that way.  I do not know.  What I do know is that it isn’t in my character to do the things I did to her while believing the things John had told me about her.  As I learned with Missy and him being the root of the problem, I believe he is the root of the problem Megs and I had as well.  After all, he was the problem causing the children to fight with each other, the children and I to fight and others to fight.  It’s that drama that the Narcissist Sociopath is addicted to.  They need the drama.  Watching others fight and argue gives him the opportunity to rescue somebody.  That makes him look good and he becomes important to the person he rescued.  The person comes to trust and believe in him and feel that he is a true friend or boyfriend.  It is not really rescuing when he was the creator of the situation in the first place.  It is entrapment.  It is a game.  He does that a lot.  He pits people together by whispering one thing in the person on the right’s ear and something else in the person on the left’s ear.  I’ve written about that as well.  Eventually, the parties do come back together and discuss those whispers.  That is when the Narc experiences more exposure.  I feel it will not be much longer before full exposure occurs.  I must keep fighting until I reach my end goal.  Full exposure is one of many goals on the way to the end goal.

I digressed.  So, what I was saying about Megs is that she has always been a true friend.  She was always there for me as I was for her.  People talked a lot of trash about her and I never understood it.  I never saw her the way they spoke about her.  I defended her when I could.  She was my friend and I wouldn’t let people degrade her.  BAM!  I understand it now. No, they weren’t right.  They just didn’t know.  They did not see her.  When they looked at her, they saw what they were programmed to see by what they had heard.  I never listened to rumor.  That’s why I never saw what they saw.  I only saw Megs.  I never should have simply taken John at his word.  Why did I do that?  Normally, I confront the person and ask if it is true.  There was something about our discussion that made me not approach her.  Perhaps it is because he told me it would be useless, as she would just lie to me and say she never told him that.  BAM.  Had I approached her, she would have said that.  No, she wouldn’t have been lying but he had already set it up to make me believe she would have.  He planted that seed.  It wouldn’t matter what she said.  He already said it and got me to predetermine that it would’ve been a lie.

It looks like I just answered my own question.  He lied to me to separate me from my only best friend I had left in this town.  Now that I think about it even further, it was around the same time that he began sexually abusing Cynthia. Cynthia and Meg’s daughter, Jos, were best friends.  They were almost inseparable.  Most certainly she would’ve told Jos what he was doing had Jos been around.  Damn.  With Megs and I on the outs, Jos didn’t come around.  Megs wasn’t bringing her to visit and no way in hell was I bringing Cynthia to visit Jos.  Damn.

Guess who I talked to today.  Megs.  OMG we talked so much yet no way near enough.  I have missed m best friend.  We need like a whole week on an island with margaritas, pina coladas, and hot sexy men to look at while we catch up with what we’ve been doing.  I know Megs has dealt with some major shit as I have.  I did check up on her once in a while, but I couldn’t talk to her.  It was good chatting with her.  It was only on Facebook, but it was still good.  As soon as she’s back in town, we will get caught up.  I feel like she’s back already – and like I never really lost her.

Progress. More of John’s damages gorilla glued back together.  I have no doubt that this one will be like the others have turned out – stronger than ever – so strong that nothing can ever break the bond again.

True friendship.  Unconditional love.  Love changes people.  Today was an awesome day.  Thank you, God.  I needed that.

As always,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

growing in gods grace

Categories: Friendship, Healing, Love | Tags: , , , , , ,

Why Life is Unfair

PULLOUT-Life-is-not-fairOne of life’s harsh realities, that we all must to accept, is that life is not fair.  Life has never been fair and life will never be fair.  For life to be fair, it would need to be equal.  All of the people, all around the world, would need to have the same heart type (I’ll get to this in a minute). Everyone would be treated in the same manner by everyone else.  As sad as it is, I have to tell you that not all people have the same heart type and we have all been given the gift of Free Will by God.  We can pick and choose what we want to do, who were are kind to, who we are not kind to, and we can base those actions on anything we wish to base them on.  That does not make us right nor wrong in the way we treat people, but always remember our actions come with consequences.  There are both good and bad consequences so we must think about what reactions our actions may have before we act.  Our actions have the ability to change the heart types of the people they affect.Some people carry love and compassion for others in their hearts.  Some people carry pain and sorrow, others carry anger and hate, and the rest have no heart at all.  With all the people in the world, it is impossible to live your life without meeting people from all areas of the heart as well as the heartless.  No matter how hard you try to avoid the ones without love and compassion, you will find yourself with a handful or two in your life.  Why?  Well, because you have love and compassion and hope that others do too, deep down at the core of their being and that your heart is enough to heal their hearts.  It isn’t, at least not on its own.  Some people will have tricked you to get close to you and gain your trust.  You will know who they are when they cause you pain, and instead of trying to undo what was done, they will refuse to acknowledge your pain, blame your pain on yourself or others and turn their backs on you when you have nothing left to give and you need them the most.  Those are the heartless.  Those are the poisoness people you need to remove from your life.  They will bring you nothing but pain, sorrow, heartbreak, andger and hate.  Their poison,

44056ac0aba56bf3ede8ee285989a3b1Our heart type starts out as love and compassion for others.  We are trusting and open and we expect others to be the same way with us.  We have a preconceived notion that life is fair.  When the reaction to your action is hurtful to another, their heart cracks, changing the heart type to pain and sorrow.  If we continue harming to the point of abuse,  the heart breaks and the heart type shifts to anger and hate.  Eventually,  as the abuse worsens, the heart dies completely, leaving a cold, heartless and dangerous person behind you, hungry for others feel the same pains, sorrows and heartbreak that eventually creates more heartless souls.  They say that misery loves company.  this is true and this can be seen time and time again.  Like the dominos that all fall down when you push the first one down, your actions created a chain reaction of one heart dying after another behind you.  You didn’t mean to poison the world with hate, you only wanted to hurt that one person, but the moment you went down the wrong path, you began the spread of the infection.  Be mindful of your actions.  Just as this example with harm, love can chain react as well.  Love can change heart types by removing the bad and replacing it with the good.  What if we all spread love instead of hate?

With all the people in the world, it is impossible to live your life without meeting people with different heart types, as well as the heartless.  No matter how hard you try to avoid the ones without love and compassion, you will find yourself with a handful or two in your life.  Why?  Well, because you have love and compassion and hope that others do too, deep down at the core of their being, that life is fair and just, and that your heart is enough to heal their hearts.  It isn’t enough, not on its own.  It is only a beginning, but more is needed to make a complete transformation.  You cannot begin something and then walk away, expecting it to finish itself.

Some people will trick you to get close to you and gain your trust with the most malicious intentions.  You will know who they are when they cause you pain, and instead of trying to undo what was done, they will refuse to acknowledge your pain, blame you for doing it to yourself, or blame somebody else, whatever it takes to avoid accepting the responsibility for their own actions.  They will then turn their backs on you when you have nothing left to give and you need them the most.  Those are the heartless.  Those are the poisoness people you need to remove from your life.  They will bring you nothing but pain, sorrow, heartbreak, anger and hate.  Their intentions are to kill your heart and drag you into the darkness with them.  Their poison, if they are not removed from your life, will make its way to your heart where it will begin to infect all that is good with all that is bad.  Once infected, without being treated with compassion and medicated with love, after all of the good is gone, the poison begins to eat away at the heart and the heart slowly begins to whither away until there is nothing left but an empty cavity where the heart once was.

VictimOfGraceQuote2No one is ever broken beyond repair, but the path that leads a person to the place to be made whole again is narrow and must be traveled alone by the seeker of the heart.  This is the only way the seeker can learn empathy and humility, both of which are necessary to restore the heart and refill it with love and compassion once again.  Love is just the beginning.  Understanding, compassion, encouragement and guidance on top of love may be just enough to give the seeker the courage and drive to travel the path that leads to the heart full of love and compassion.  The seeker has to want it and work hard for it.  No one can travel the seeker’s path, but the seeker, else the seeker will not appreciate the heart.

Life is not fair, but we can make it just a little bit better for those around us.  What type of chain reaction would you like to cause today?  How about a chain reaction of love?

 ~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

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Categories: Healing, Love | Tags: , , ,