Posts Tagged With: Confirmation

Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

015db6d3feaeaac8897502724f272669749a4066a5


I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


imagesMCJ6YTD6


I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


2015-03-14 02.20.18-1


I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


2015-02-28 18.15.13


It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

image.png


He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


2015-03-14 02.19.13


My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


2015-04-03 02.18.24


It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


2015-02-28 14.32.36


Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

growing-in-gods-grace.jpg
Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Broken

And so I picked up what's left of the broken pieces of
my soul and created a magnificent masterpiece and displayed
it for all the world to see the beauty in
The Broken.

The Broken live in an alternate reality. We see what the Unbroken cannot see.


1431750719694                                             1429408728131Screenshot_2015-04-12-04-47-10-1


They see a black or white world; bad or good. We see all the shades of grey; bad and good together in everything. We see the Monsters wearing suits and the Angels wearing rags. They cannot see the Monsters. They cannot see the Angels. They are Unbroken. They have not crawled through the depths of hell and climbed their way up and out like We have.


  wpid-blendpic_20156731518388.jpg                                                  2015-01-19 23.14.28-22015-03-30 19.09.31


Screenshot_2015-04-12-03-46-43-1-1Screenshot_2015-04-12-03-31-14-1


They have not been brought down to their knees and experienced excruciating agony; the kind that makes you pray for death. They have not taken the Road Less Traveled; been Persecuted; journeyed down the Long and Lonely, Narrow and Difficult Path that leads to their Faith; to meet God; to be saved by HIS Amazing Grace; to have their Pain and Suffering washed away; to be granted their Treasures Beyond Imagination; to receive their Purpose in Life’s Adventures.




PhotoGrid_1433825336924 2015-03-30 07.20.06


They travel the Wide Roads in Packs, through the Darkness, lost but Content, following those in front of them. They Fear the Unknown. They Fear Walking Alone, for they Mock and Persecute those who do. They only take a stand when the Pack takes a stand and when they stand, they stand for all the wrong reasons; they stand for selfish reasons; they stand with expectations of gaining something in return; arrogantly thinking that they are on their way to the lights shining down from heaven above. The light they see is not the glorious light of heaven, but the glow of the intense inferno burning deep in the depths of hell.




2015-06-01 08.57.49The Unbroken cannot see all of the world’s realities. The Unbroken live in ignorant bliss, blind to the harsh reality that they walk alongside and follow behind the Evil-Doers; the Monsters sent from Hell to keep them Living in the Darkness; to Trip them when they stand on the Path of Righteousness and Pull them back down into the Darkness to keep them from following the Path to all that’s Right and Just in this world.



John 1-9


2015-05-31 10.06.222015-03-30 19.08.23The Broken have faced the Monsters; Witnessed and Experienced first hand how truly Cruel and Evil the Monsters in man’s mask can be.  They’ve been Broken Beyond Repair by the Monster’s Evil Works; then finally, found Balance and Stood up as The Lone Warrior, Armed only with Truth and Knowledge and Surrounded by Heaven’s Light, against the Pack. The Truth and Knowledge granted at the end of their Journey to meet God provided them Strength and Power which the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Possess. Neither the Monsters nor the Unbroken can enter the Light shining down from Heaven.  The Broken Rose up Above the Darkness and the Monsters and defeated them in Glorious Victory.


2015-03-30 00.19.092015-05-20 22.29.18



The Broken see everything the Unbroken cannot see for the Broken have lived and survived the Adventures down the long, lonely, narrow and dangerous path through the depths of hell and climbed their way out.  No one who hasn’t lived it could ever imagine it. If they cannot imagine it; then they cannot believe it. If they cannot believe it; then it cannot be true. If it cannot be true; then the Broken must be Insane. It is easier to believe that the Broken are Insane than it is to believe that there are Horrors in this world committed by Monsters wearing Masks of Men with whom they walk alongside for Company and follow from behind for Direction.


We, the Broken, Live in an Alternate Reality; See the Unseen; Know the Unknown; Hear the Unheard; Speak the Unspoken; Possess a Strength that the Unbroken could never Imagine nor Feel unless they become Broken.


Melissa Livingston
Surrounded by Heaven’s Light
March 23, 2015 – Published July 23, 2015

Categories: Adventure, Healing | Tags: , , , , , ,

Repairs

Friends are like ass cheeks.  Shit sometimes separates them but they always come back together.The purge is working.  I am feeling much better and once again moving forward in my recovery.There is nothing left tugging at my hem, trying to trip me up. This is good.  What makes it even better is the purge made space for real friends to return to my life.

I am back to making progress.  I’m still wearing my boots. I am nowhere near tired yet.  Progress has a way of giving me strength.  Late last year, I attempted to contact an old friend.  She was once my best friend.  She was always there for me.  I wrote about her on no more silence at Jigsy.  It is not like me to turn my back on a true friend.  I knew she was a true friend, but somehow, John managed to make me believe she wasn’t.  I came to believe she was just using me to get to him.  He told me that.  He told me that she approached him and told him she wanted him all to herself.  I believed it at the time.  I’m not so sure I believe it now.  Maybe he lied or maybe he told her a lie that got her to thinking that way.  I do not know.  What I do know is that it isn’t in my character to do the things I did to her while believing the things John had told me about her.  As I learned with Missy and him being the root of the problem, I believe he is the root of the problem Megs and I had as well.  After all, he was the problem causing the children to fight with each other, the children and I to fight and others to fight.  It’s that drama that the Narcissist Sociopath is addicted to.  They need the drama.  Watching others fight and argue gives him the opportunity to rescue somebody.  That makes him look good and he becomes important to the person he rescued.  The person comes to trust and believe in him and feel that he is a true friend or boyfriend.  It is not really rescuing when he was the creator of the situation in the first place.  It is entrapment.  It is a game.  He does that a lot.  He pits people together by whispering one thing in the person on the right’s ear and something else in the person on the left’s ear.  I’ve written about that as well.  Eventually, the parties do come back together and discuss those whispers.  That is when the Narc experiences more exposure.  I feel it will not be much longer before full exposure occurs.  I must keep fighting until I reach my end goal.  Full exposure is one of many goals on the way to the end goal.

I digressed.  So, what I was saying about Megs is that she has always been a true friend.  She was always there for me as I was for her.  People talked a lot of trash about her and I never understood it.  I never saw her the way they spoke about her.  I defended her when I could.  She was my friend and I wouldn’t let people degrade her.  BAM!  I understand it now. No, they weren’t right.  They just didn’t know.  They did not see her.  When they looked at her, they saw what they were programmed to see by what they had heard.  I never listened to rumor.  That’s why I never saw what they saw.  I only saw Megs.  I never should have simply taken John at his word.  Why did I do that?  Normally, I confront the person and ask if it is true.  There was something about our discussion that made me not approach her.  Perhaps it is because he told me it would be useless, as she would just lie to me and say she never told him that.  BAM.  Had I approached her, she would have said that.  No, she wouldn’t have been lying but he had already set it up to make me believe she would have.  He planted that seed.  It wouldn’t matter what she said.  He already said it and got me to predetermine that it would’ve been a lie.

It looks like I just answered my own question.  He lied to me to separate me from my only best friend I had left in this town.  Now that I think about it even further, it was around the same time that he began sexually abusing Cynthia. Cynthia and Meg’s daughter, Jos, were best friends.  They were almost inseparable.  Most certainly she would’ve told Jos what he was doing had Jos been around.  Damn.  With Megs and I on the outs, Jos didn’t come around.  Megs wasn’t bringing her to visit and no way in hell was I bringing Cynthia to visit Jos.  Damn.

Guess who I talked to today.  Megs.  OMG we talked so much yet no way near enough.  I have missed m best friend.  We need like a whole week on an island with margaritas, pina coladas, and hot sexy men to look at while we catch up with what we’ve been doing.  I know Megs has dealt with some major shit as I have.  I did check up on her once in a while, but I couldn’t talk to her.  It was good chatting with her.  It was only on Facebook, but it was still good.  As soon as she’s back in town, we will get caught up.  I feel like she’s back already – and like I never really lost her.

Progress. More of John’s damages gorilla glued back together.  I have no doubt that this one will be like the others have turned out – stronger than ever – so strong that nothing can ever break the bond again.

True friendship.  Unconditional love.  Love changes people.  Today was an awesome day.  Thank you, God.  I needed that.

As always,

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

growing in gods grace

Categories: Friendship, Healing, Love | Tags: , , , , , ,

When Tragedy Strikes

    Blindsided.        
      Shock.      
    Numbness.        
        Body abandoned.    
    Eyes open slowly.        
        Disbelief.    
    What?        
      Confusion.      
    How?        
        Confirmation.    
      Why?      
        Grief.    
    Memories.        
        Healing.    
      Perspective.      
        Acceptance.    
    Release.        
      Calmness.      

                                                                                                                   Melissa Livingston

Categories: Healing, Tragedy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,