Posts Tagged With: Confusion

Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

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I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


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I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


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I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


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It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

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He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


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My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


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It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


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Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

He Was a Parasite

Grey’s Anatomy

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head [2.1]

Meredith: [voiceover] To be a good surgeon you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open.

please dont touch meShe had a way about her that was strictly business.  She never hugged anyone.  She never complimented anyone.  She never said I love you nor requested quality time with anyone.  Her goals were set.  Her aspirations were prioritized.  Her priorities were detailed down to every step necessary to reach each level.  She had a plan and she was following it.  She didn’t have time for nonsense such as caring for others or what they needed.  She wouldn’t hug anyone and no one could get close enough to hug her.  She was focused and nothing was ever going to stand in her way.  Mom wishes Mom knew then what Mom knows now;  why she was so guarded with her feelings and so adamant about perfection.

Meredith: [voiceover] They say that practice makes perfect. Theory is– the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become like one, the better you get at remaining neutral, clinical, cut, suture, close – the harder it becomes to turn it off. To stop thinking like a surgeon, and remember what it means to think like a human being.

2015-03-05 06.12.44At times, she would slip and Mom would catch a little sparkle in her eye.  She would write something that let Mom see a glimpse of her true self and all of the love and compassion she hid deep inside the core of her being.  She put on a good show, but that’s all it was, just a show.  Mom admired her focus and strength in her ability to follow through on everything she started.  She never missed a day of school, never had a missing or incomplete assignment.  She never got anything less and an A on every single one.

Enough Is Enough (No More Tears) [2.2]

Meredith[Voiceover]: I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say “Say when!” My aunt would say “Say when!” and of course, we never did. We don’t say when because there’s something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better.daughter-WM

She was so wonderful and doing so well that Mom rewarded her quite often for her hard work.  Mom rewarded her so much so, that she had everything she wanted.  The more she wanted;  the more Mom gave her.  Mom was not spoiling her.  She worked hard and earned it all.  She would even do extra just to get more.

Meredith: [voiceover]: There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual. And depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

4bdffa5d22beacdbeb84fa9d7ec1f2efThe more she got, the more she wanted.  It got to the point where nothing was ever enough or good enough for her.  She was not happy with what she had, but she knew what Mom could get her that would make her happy.  When she is happy, Mom is happy.  It didn’t matter that Mom gave her what she said she needed to be happy.  She still wasn’t happy.  Mom did everything Mom could to fill her emotional emptiness.  Mom thought for sure that she unhappy because she never allowed her emotions to be seen on her face.  Mom loved her well enough.  It was not Mom’s love that she lacked.  It was love from anyone but Mom.  Mom is her mother, of course, Mom loves her.  Mom is obligated to love her according to her thoughts.

Make Me Lose Control [2.3]

Meredith: [voiceover] Surgeons are control freaks.  With a scalpel in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There’s no fear, there’s no pain. You’re ten-feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the OR. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.”

Those with an evil heartShe gave up everything for him. Everything she was born with, everything she earned, everything she had planned her entire life for; all of her dreams, goals and aspirations; herself at the very core of her being; home – family – unconditional love – education – dreams – hopes – wishes – desires – future – friends – all of it. She threw it all away for him. She threw away everything that made her who she was. She lost control and she lost herself in the process.

Meredith: [voiceover] “No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. If there’s an upside to free-falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.”

the mroe you sacrifice the more you hurtThe one thing she wants most in the world is to feel loved and she would sacrifice everything to get it and that is exactly what she did.  She sacrificed everything to get it from him.  Still, he gave up nothing for her. He was selfish. He turned her against everyone who truly cared for her with empty promises of love.  She took the knife, and with his guidance, buried deep in the back of the only constant she has ever had for her entire life; the one person who loved her in a manner that no one else in the world could ever love her; that kind of dont hurt a friend who loves youunconditional, never-ending love that a mother holds for her child, the one person who would and has sacrificed wants and desires for her; the only person she knew who would always answer the phone when she called, regardless of time and place; the woman who gave her life and would give up her own life for her; her mother;  she sacrificed Mom.  She did it for him and the love he made her believe he held for her.

Deny, Deny, Deny [2.4]

Meredith: [voiceover]The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial.  We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces.”

Whats wrong with meHe remained selfish. He gave up nothing, took everything, yet still he wouldn’t take her. He couldn’t care for her. He had his own desires to fill. He wouldn’t work to support her. He kept her mind all twisted up in knots. She stood firm, begged, pleaded, even wanted to know why he couldn’t truly love her.  IMG_20150328_042343What was so wrong with her that made her unlovable?  Was it because she was so broken and damaged?  Or was because she had nothing left for him to take from her?  She stood firm in her conviction that she didn’t need anyone else.  She was sure that he would see all that she had sacrificed for him and he would reciprocate the love she felt.  Little did she know that the one thing she wants most is something he could never give her.  He hasn’t the capacity to love anyone other than himself.

Meredith: [voiceover] Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

the word sorry wont fix what you did this timeIMG_17278213801921Once he was sure she was devastated and alone, with no one left to turn to and nothing left to lose, he walked away from her, as if she was nothing, and never looked back.  Who can she call now? Her friends are long gone.  She turned her back on them.  Maybe, her family.  Maybe she could call Mom.  There’s nobody else who would do anything for her now. He saw to that. Then it hit her so much harder than she ever thought it would.  She had done so much more than just push Mom away.  What she had done was something that can never be undone, could it?

Wonderful girl BrokenMom had been stubborn and fought the loss of her only daughter.  Mom would find ways to get messages to her and would email her once or twice a day.  She had replied to every communication and every reply would tell Mom how much she hated Mom and wanted Mom to get out of her life and stay out.  Mom hurt deep down the core.  She had devastated Mom in the same manner that her infant brother’s death had devastated Mom.  Mom would always tell her that Mom’s love was unconditional and would always be unconditional.  She took advantage of that love and used it for her own gain.  Her show was no longer a show.  It had become who she is.  389129_407522972644254_1337971205_nCold, cruel, and willing to do anything to get what she wants, regardless of who get’s hurt in the process and anyone standing between her and what she wants will be chewed to bits and pieces and then ground into the dirt for extra measure.

93dae9f08f39c39dbb23b9a1b45cea2eBut now, she had pushed Mom so far away and hurt Mom so badly that the emails stopped.  The messages  Mom would send out in mass which she completely ignored stopped.  Mom hadn’t even attempted to make contact with her recently.  She was relieved when Mom gave up trying to have a part in her life.  Mom always did give her everything she wanted if Mom was capable of giving it.  She didn’t ever believe that Mom would leave her life forever.  That isn’t what she really wanted, but she thought there was time.  We always think there’s time.

It is better to let some one walk away from youMom’s love is unconditional, but Mom’s battle is over. No longer will Mom fight to keep her in Mom’s life.  Mom will give her what she wants and walk away.  Mom is tired.  Mom is hurt.  Mom is done.

M Livingston

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

When Tragedy Strikes

    Blindsided.        
      Shock.      
    Numbness.        
        Body abandoned.    
    Eyes open slowly.        
        Disbelief.    
    What?        
      Confusion.      
    How?        
        Confirmation.    
      Why?      
        Grief.    
    Memories.        
        Healing.    
      Perspective.      
        Acceptance.    
    Release.        
      Calmness.      

                                                                                                                   Melissa Livingston

Categories: Healing, Tragedy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,