Posts Tagged With: Fear

Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

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I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


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I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


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I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


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It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

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He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


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My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


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It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


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Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How I Met God

lean-not-own-unders-pr-3_5The Lord has set a path for each and every one of us to get to him through the light. The evil-doers cannot enter the light and we must distance ourselves from the evil-doers or we will never make it to our destination. The evil-doers serve to distract us from our paths and keep us in the dark. We must not allow ourselves to be distracted and veer off path if we ever want to reach the end. Those who claim to know God yet use God’s words to cause his children pain, do not know God. Those who claim to know what path God wants another to take, do not know God. Only you can know what path you are to be on and only I know what path I am to be on.

I know God. I met him. I spoke to him. He sent me a guide who lights the path that I must travel to reach the place where my faith dwells – the place that is so bright that the shadows cannot exist in, the place the monsters cannot go to for the monsters cannot dwell in the light, they can only dwell in the shadows. I did not know God before my journey. I continued to deny God during my journey.

Matthew 5:11-12 "Happy are you when people insult you and persecute you and tell all kinds of evil lies against you because you are my followers.  Be happy and glad, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven.  This is how the prophets who lived before you were persecuted."

I began to feel God and then wonder if it was him that kept pulling me up out of the darkness every time I tripped and fell. At the end of that journey, was the light and my faith and God. I thought he had left me long ago, but he never did. He was always with me even when I denied him. I crawled through the depths of hell along the path of all that’s right and just towards an unknown destination. I wondered why the road was so hard and why I was alone on it. I fell and got lost and my guide lit the path and I got up and continued on my way. This is stupid, I kept thinking. Maybe I have gone crazy, I told myself. This journey is too hard and it hurts too much and I don’t think I can make it. People turned their backs on me. People laughed at me and degraded me and kicked me back down each time I got up. I saw no purpose in the journey but I wanted to get away from the pain and I wasn’t allowed to give up. I survived.

I am out of the darkness and dwelling in the light and my heart is filled with the love of God. I know God. I know the purpose of my journey. I know why I had to endure so much. God has a plan for me and I had to experience those things to carry out His wishes. I am to help others escape similar situations and get to the light so the darkness doesn’t take them. Had I not lived through it, I would not have the understanding to help others through it. He trusted in me and knew I was strong enough to make it, even though I denied Him. How amazing is that?!

It matters not that you believe or disbelieve me. I know God. He believes in me and I Him. That is what matters. I hope you find your path.

God says that if you can stick to the path, at the end of the journey, you will be rewarded with treasures beyond comparison. He does not lie. The treasures I have gained throughout my journey cannot be purchased, they are greater than anything money can buy, they are irreplaceable and no man can ever take from me that which God has rewarded me with as long as I stay on my path. God says I am not to be distracted by you – don’t be dismayed – don’t be discouraged – they know not which of they speak – they know not your journey. Thank you Lord for not ever giving up on me and thank you for delivering me from the darkness and thank you for the words I needed to write this.

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

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Categories: Friendship, Love, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Truth Seeking

images (6)My search for the truth is a never ending mission.

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Never did I imagine
being buried in his lies.
because everything he said was bull

I am still training myself
to remember that his
words are always lies;

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a self-projection of himself
onto others at times and an
occasional deception to
work his way back in my life.

IMG_20141204_092019Not all truths are pretty and easy
to hear nor are they easy to accept.
I have uncovered some truths that
I want to refuse to accept as truth, as
they are very disturbing to me.  I am
beginning to wonder if some truths
are better left uncovered.

60c6213ec3e95ec7c4fa04e27d630591Delving into the past can bring
back painful memories, happy
memories, and make one dream
about what could have been.
It can be depressing to see what
was and how it was lost.
Such is life, I suppose.

♥♥♥ I have a very special message coming out tomorrow.  It is already written and will automatically publish when the clock rolls over into the next day.  I dare not look at it else I will try to edit it and then it won’t be finished anymore and not be published on time.  It has to be up tomorrow.  So I will leave it alone. ♥♥♥

I continue to be amazed in my relationship with Brian.  I feel myself having insecure moments wpid-wp-1419136738860.jpegfrom time to time.  This is a relationship unlike any other I have had before.  I am still learning that it is different.  It is non-abusive.  It is loving and although I know I can trust him, I still have reservations with showing him my inner being.  When I do open up for a short amount of time, I feel myself becoming anxious and want to cry.  I want to cry not because he’s hurt me in any way, but because every time I open up, I fear that is when he 627a32759f167be8ac906c45c676bb6cwill change and break my heart.  I anticipate the heartbreak.  That is how I know I am so deeply in love with him that I never want to lose him.  I try very hard not to compare him with my ex’s or this relationship with past relationships.  It is difficult not to do so.

I still struggle with leaving the horrors of 2014 back in 2014.  I am doing better today than I was yesterday.  That is progress.  Progress is good.  My oldest is still safe, clean, and sober.  If only you knew how relieving that is for me.  My biggest fear was going to check on him and finding him deceased.  That would kill me.  It would be more devastation than I could handle at this point.  After Angel, after the 12 years of a fraudulent marriage, 14 years of listening to nothing but lies, being mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused and put in a state where I was doubting my own sanity, learning the horrors of my daughter’s childhood, my other children’s childhoods, and the non-stop smear campaign I have been subjected to, there is just no way I could survive such a thing. tumblr_m8mvyaFOmK1qa6psxo1_500Thank you, God, for answering my prayers and helping me with him when no one else would and thank you, Paul, for taking my prayers to be heard.  I will never forget that day.  You saved me that day.  I didn’t want anyone else to see me hand you the envelope.  Which reminds me……

More-Grace

Ttruth-seeks-lightI get it now.  I understand.  I know what God’s Grace is.  I know what prayer is for.  I understand His message.  I have seen it.  I have felt it. I have been saved by it.  I have found my Faith and I have been saved by God’s Grace.  At the very moment when it happened, tears began streaming down my face.  It happened that day I accompanied the three of you to Shiloh.  My anger and sorrow and pain all being washed away with each teardrop that fell and replaced with love and faith and hope.  He washed away my troubles through my tears and made me whole again.  7e0de55973ee3c11018bcfa1dee9e9c1I still have tears falling and washing away the pain.  It’s not continuous, but it is daily.  So many years I did not cry.  I did not let anything out.  I did not let anything show.  So much had built up inside me that I could fill an empty river.  He brought me out of the darkness and into the light, where I am safe and can no longer be harmed by the monsters.  That’s what he is.  A monster behind a mask.  The monsters cannot live in the light of the Lord.  For years, I denied him.  For years, I cursed him.  For years, I hated him.  He let so much hurt happen to me that there was just no way he could be real and if he were, then he is so cruel and demented that he had to be the devil in disguise.

salvation21Not once did He ever leave my side, not when I turned my back on him, not when I cursed Him, not when I denied Him, not when I yelled at Him, not when I took His name in vain, not when I attacked believers, not when I degraded His name, His Son, and His words, not once did He abandon me.  He has always been with me, waiting for the day I finally turned to him for mercy.  He knew I would even though I swore it could never happen.

That john15_18-20day I wrote my prayer request down on paper and handed it to you, it was not for me, it was for my children.  He heard me and through you, He guided me down the path of all that’s right and just, my path, the one I had to travel, the path that led me to my faith, to Him, and to be saved by God’s Grace.  I was mocked, attacked, degraded, insulted, and defamed in the monster’s attempts to destroy me.  He had an army ofgrace-300x225 minions using lies to assault me and I had myself, armed only with the truth and no army.  I still prevailed.  I fell many times, got knocked down time and time again, got lost, gave in to distractions, gave in to temptations, and almost gave up near the end, but each time I veered off into the wrong direction, that little light appeared and I got back up and back on my path and kept on going.  Just me against the world, determined to reveal the truth.

imagesI did it all on my own – I shouldn’t say all, as I had His guidance through you, but I went against all odds and with almost everyone either against me or neutral, and I still prevailed.  No one wants to be on the side of the lone warrior in battle.  It’s a for sure loss.  Yet, here I stand, victorious.  Reminds me of David and Goliath, but before I digress…He washed away my pain and rewarded me with the most precious gifts.  The rewards for making it to the end of my path to Grace are greater than anyone could ever know or understand unless they have walked the path and reached the end to be saved as I was, by God’s Grace.  Paul, you have done so much for me, yet you are humble and keep saying you didn’t do much each time I try to tell you.  I wanted to write it all out so you could see for yourself the impact you have had on my life and how you led me to my Faith.  Thank you so much.  You have my appreciation and adoration.

Stay StrongWhat greater reward is there than having your faith restored, all the anger, pain and hate washed out of you and replaced by love, and to be saved by God’s Grace?  I say saved because that’s how I feel.  I was saved from the darkness, from the monsters, from the pain and now I stand in the light where I am safe and nothing can hurt me here.  As for the Trials and Tribulations I was forced to face, I had to face them to understand them.  God has plans for me.  I am to guide others through similar trials and tribulations.  How could I do that if I had not faced them and overcome them myself?  God gathers warriors to send out and help those lost find their paths to the light.  He wants all his children in the light where they are safe.

images (1)sola-gratiaThat’s my take on it anyway.  After all I have experienced, I can say that I am right and no one can tell me I don’t know God.  John, you can call me crazy.  I don’t mind anymore.  It’s ok.  I expect to be hearing about how I have gone completely batshit crazy by the end of the evening.  If it makes you fell good, go for it.  You cannot hurt me here.   You can’t come into the light.  To everyone, in all that I have suffered, was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Would I change parts of it?  Of course.  I know that I am not worthy of His Grace, yet I have received it.  How amazing is that?  Even more amazing is that I, of all people, am actually writing this.  Quotation-R-C-Sproul-justice-god-grace-mercy-Meetville-Quotes-156781When we are given such precious gifts that we do not deserve, we must recognize that we do not deserve them and we must appreciate them and hold them dear to our hearts.

May you find your path, see the light, and not fear traveling it alone.

~Mel Saved by Grace

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Categories: Falsehoods, Love, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fears

I am afraid to give my whole heart.
I am afraid that I will not be good enough.
I am afraid that he will not be happy with me.
I am afraid to be hurt again.
I am afraid I will never be loved as much as I have loved.
I am afraid that I will never be able to love as much as I have loved again.
I am not afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of love because love hurts deeply, all the way to the core of my soul.
I am broken.

wpid-wp-1419136603679.jpeg They say that to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved. I can’t say I agree, nor can I say I disagree. I am unsure. I have loved. I loved so deeply; I gave my entire heart, my mind, body, and soul to him. All that I was welded together with all that he was. I ceased to exist. We existed. Everything became we. We were happy, content. We had all that we needed and that was enough.

wpid-wp-1419136686563.jpegThings changed over time and we faded away. I was lost in the darkness. I did not want for that. We were supposed to be we forever. My heart shattered, my mind spun, my body longed for his touch and my soul sunk into the darkness under the weight of the pain. I am afraid to love like that again. I am afraid that I am unable to love like that again. I don’t know if I can love anymore. My heart is heavy with knowledge of grief. Is it too heavy to beat for love? Am I broken beyond repair?

I am falling so deep in love and I am fighting it. I try to hide it. I am afraid to show it.

I am afraid of love.

~Mel

Categories: Friendship, Love | Tags: ,