Posts Tagged With: forgive

Finding Mel Again

First, a note that I have just written as a response on a friend’s FB page.

While Fairy Tales are cool and all that; it needs to be made clear that they are only fairy tales and things like that don’t happen in real life.  Keep it real with your kids so they can handle reality when it hits them upside the sides of their heads, blindsides them and sends them spinning like a tornado in the midst of disaster.
I’ve learned that the majority of people prefer not to hear about the ugly truths that are our reality. They prefer fairy tales and happy endings.
Unfortunately, fairy tales and happy endings exist only in books and the imagination. Is it any wonder why some have such difficulty dealing with tragedy when we are raised listening to how maids turn into princesses and are saved by their Prince Charming?
We look for our Prince, the perfect guy that is there to rescue us from all the ugly guys. The villains are always dark and unattractive while the Prince is always handsome and wealthy.
Little do we know, it is the handsome, wealthy, perfect guy who says all the right things at all the right times that we must avoid. No one sees how the Prince is after the sun goes down and he has the darkness to hide his deeds under.
But what kind of fairy tale does the truth make? Who wants to date the ugly guy anyway. People will stare at you and make fun of you.
Well, it’s better to be mocked by the blissfully ignorant masses than it is to be a victim of the great pretender.

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I am not who I was two years ago.  I couldn’t even tell you who I was two years ago.  I thought I knew me, but in the midst of tragedy, I lost who I was and became who I really am.  I have learned more about myself through recent tragedy than any other event in my lifetime.  I know things about the world that I never knew before that makes everything look so different now than it did before the tornado struck my family.


OK – More thoughts – bear with me.  Things have been crazy, wild, and weird this year.  Another comment.


[I have to xxxxxx a lot out right here xxxxxx.  I should’ve posted this the day I wrote it. xxxxxxxx.]
So tired of this. A year and a half – longer – 1 3/4 years – He’s been at it. You know I fear nothing now. I believe I’ve lost my sanity, or at least half of it.  More likely that I’ve woken up into the real reality that the majority are still sleeping through.  Either way,  I’m still finding me.


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I haven’t written about my one daughter as of yet. It still hurts to much and even more so now. There is both good and bad happening daily. I suppose as long as it balances out, I will continue to survive it. After all, I’ve remained standing this long.


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I am glad for those who continue to speak out on suicide. All of my children and myself have suicidal tendencies. I could never – I would just lay in bed forever and hope it would happen but the children always interrupt me and I have to get up. My children on the other other hand; I never witnessed what they experienced and I could not imagine how they managed to find ways of surviving; but I see the after effects and they aren’t pretty or poetic or fluffy. I can relate to the breaking of one’s own heart. I do it on a daily basis no matter how hard I try not to. It seems the harder I try not to, the more defined the cracks become.


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It’s difficult to smile when one of your children are not. I feel guilty being happy and it’s hard to be happy when not all the children are happy. I hurt over that. I blame me. Sometimes, the children blame me too. BUT! In the good news, there is my eldest who just recently went on a vacation – jailhouse style. He begged me to bail him out. I told him, not this time son. This time, you will stay put. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t ask me for money. When you get out, you are not welcome in my home. The day you decide to be sober and stay sober and get help to face your demons is the day you can come home.

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He’s my first born. It hurt to say those words to him and hurt more to write them in a letter and mail them to him. Knowing his suicidal thoughts and not wanting to make him feel disposed of. Fearing the outcome of what I had just done yet knowing it was the only action I could take as I cannot travel his path for him.


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My son called me collect today and I took the call. He’s seen a psychiatrist. He’s on medication. He thanked me for leaving him there and told me not to bail him out yet because he wants to spend more time staying sober because right now he would go back to using. The relief his words brought me today – the knowing that I am not going to find him dead when I go check on him – either from an overdose or the hands of another or his own hands. My son is finally growing up.  Drugs mask pain.  Sobriety lets it flow out.  The memories are painful.  But he’s ready to face them head on and release them into the past where they belong and I thank God for that.


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It is time to find me or redefine me or whatever you wish to call it when the moment hits you that you have no idea who you are and you decide to find yourself.  The only place I know to look is inside of myself.  First, I need to clear out the junk that I’m buried under.  That should lighten the load quite a bit and make it easier to walk my path.  The distractions catch me every time and I don’t need to keep dragging them around with me anyway.  I’ve found that writing the junk out of me, keeps it from coming back and it soon disappears into the archives of my blogs.  Put the past where it belongs:  in the archives.


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Off I go to find me.  Sometimes, a little me time is in order so be sure to take some for yourself as well.

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Words Can Hurt and Words Can Heal

clip_image001Use your words wisely. You never know the emotional state somebody else is in.  When you attack with your words, you risk delivering the blow that shatters the already fragile state causing complete destruction of the heart. As soon as the reality sets in that the monster has finally reached everyone around her with his lies and his mission is accomplished, the realization that she no longer has to consider anyone else’s wishes follows.  Why should she when no one considers hers?  It’s not going to change a thing about how others see her.  She’s already hated, so threatening her with hating her isn’t going to work.  We all have triggers. Insults based on her exes lies are triggers. That, on top of what she heard from the person called to tattle on her, as if she’s child and under another’s  control, was more than enough.  She love unconditionally, but she does not like unconditionally and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she hurts back.  Why should she care when no one else does?

To J:  You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you?  It was a great comment.  It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls.  I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter.  Tell her anything you want to tell her.  Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up.  Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong.  Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now.  Tell her what you expect from her in the future.  Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see.  It will help others in situations like yours.  I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and letters.  It takes courage to break the silence.  You used that courage before.  I would like to see you use it again and write anything and everything you feel like writing.  That said…………… …of course there’s more.  I haven’t even addressed your comment to me yet. ❤

You wrote

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa, after all the shit she put everyone thru, and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her, she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[10]How long have I known you? Since you were what, about 5 or 6 years old sounds about right. You and my daughter have been best friends for a long time. Your MOTHER and I were best friends for quite some time as well. Your momma was there for me in times I needed somebody most. She was the only one there. I have been to all the birthday parties she has put together for you and your brother. I don’t even think you know what she went through to make each and every birthday as special and as perfect for you as she could. I don’t think you know half of what she has put herself through to take care of you.  She doesn’t regret it and she would do it a hundred times over if she had to.  She wants nothing but the best for you. She loves you with her whole heart. I remember one Christmas I came by and your momma was in tears  That year she didn’t have any money to buy you a present. She didn’t want you to wake up Christmas morning and not have anything. Your momma is proud and it was not easy to get her to accept help and the only reason why she did it was for you. If not for you, she wouldn’t have taken it. I can only imagine what it is like to have a mom love you so much that she would do anything she possibly can to make you happy. You have that.  I’ve never had that.  Cherish it.  Not all of us can be so lucky.  Her love for you is unconditional and there nothing in this world you can do to make her stop loving you.

I’m going to break down your comment now and address one piece at a time.

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa,

Blackmail, eh?  You want me to choose between you and your mother?  I do not make deals with people’s lives.  I have tried to get JJ to understand that for some time now, but he is a sick narcissistic sociopath and blackmail is one of the abusive tactics they use regularly.  JJ the child molester has your dad as a friend. Why don’t you tell your dad to get out of his house as long as he and JJ are friends?  That’s a guy that doesn’t even deserve to live let alone walk around free. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with all the damage he has caused.  He doesn’t even see anything wrong with raping his own daughter.  Look at that anger festering up inside of you. It’s festered so long that it’s blinded you. You have every right to be angry. No one blames you for being angry. She hurt you and she was supposed to always protect you. I was supposed to protect my kids too and I failed. I didn’t hurt them directly, but I never even seen the signs that they were being hurt. Your momma did something she should have never done. She knows that. She admits it.  So now I get the silent treatment because you have mommy issues. That’s OK. I still love you. My love is unconditional as well.

Be aware of the path you are on and don’t become cold, bitter and heartless. You are beautiful and intelligent. You love your momma. I know this. Stop hiding your love behind your anger. Let your love shine through and the anger will fade away.

after all the shit she put everyone thru,

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“Everyone” meaning who?“ All the shit meaning what?” Does no one else have any responsibility for what has happened to them in their lives? What about all the shit your momma has been through? You haven’t been through half the shit she had been through by the time she reached your age.  Is that insignificant? Does it make any difference at all? It doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She still has to own her behavior and take responsibility for it.  Just as your poor behavior right now is explained by shit you went through. It is not excused by it though. You still have to own it and take responsibility for it. Knowing where you’ve been shows you are not a mean, spiteful, hateful girl. You’re angry and you need to heal.  I see you through your anger.  When you do not take the time to heal, you end up being the one hurting those you love.  You cannot address the abuse she inflicted without addressing why she inflicted it; what made her what she was.  To kill a weed, you have to kill its roots.  If you pluck it off at the top, it will come back next time it rains.  Break the Silence.  That is why it is so important to talk about it, raise awareness, and get your story out there.  It helps you AND it helps others.

and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her,

clip_image002Junk? Obviously if you are calling it junk then you couldn’t understand. You don’t even know what it is. You cannot understand that which you don’t know. Do you know my cause, J? Do you know what I stand for? That “junk” on my page includes things such as #LoveChangesPeople , Make #Compassion go viral, #ShatterTheSilence , #TakeControl , #MakeSomebodySmileToday . We are women, we are warriors, we are mothers and we are proud. We once were victims. Then Survivors. Now Warriors. As warriors, we help those who need help. You can’t understand it because you are too blinded by your anger which is derived from fear. Some go from Victim to Abuser, much like your momma did. But they do not have to stay on that path. They can change direction and become warriors. Some just need a little more help than others. Guidance, love, support, kindness and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words. I am not asking you to pretend like everything bad is gone. I know it will take time and words don’t mean much. I am asking you for patience and observation. Watch your momma transform into the beautiful woman you remember as a child. Withhold judgment and don’t stand in her way to recovery and healing. Don’t trip her and cause her to fall off the path of all that’s right and just. Let her reach the end to be saved by His Grace and have her pain and sorrow washed away and replaced with joy. You don’t think she deserves it, but God does. No one, not even you, deserves God’s Grace but he waits for us to reach him so he can give it to us anyway. He is waiting for you, too and he Unconditional Lovewill wash away your pain and sorrow too. You cannot understand that until it happens but when it happens, you will know and you will never be able to deny it.  All of that aside, your momma is my friend and friends help friends without judging them.  Family helps family without judging them.  Unconditional Love.  You never turn your back on those who were there for you when you needed them.

she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[4]Says who? Says you? And to what do you base such judgment on? Her actions? What about your actions, J? You and I both know you are not perfect and you have done some pretty mean and hateful things. Shall we talk about the little dog you decided you didn’t want anymore and how you tried to get rid of it? Shall you be judged for that little incident for the rest of your life? You tried to kill a little puppy with poison, J, a little puppy that you wanted and then when it got a little older, you grew tired of it and were ready to throw it in the garbage so you could get a brand new one.

More-GraceSo what is this ‘inevitable’ you speak of? Death? We all die, J. We all try our best to prolong it, don’t we? You had so much heart when you were little. Where did it all go? Before you tell me it died or that you’ve been hardened due to the shit that’s happened, think about how your momma got hardened. Can you honestly tell me that you can condemn her for being exactly the way you are headed to be? That’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? You can’t condemn her unless you are without error and on a different path than she was on.

VictimOfGraceQuote2.jpgWho are you to decide what type of friends she deserves? God placed her in my path for a reason, J. Evidently, God says she deserves a friend like me and who are you to question God? Maybe she doesn’t deserve such a hateful daughter. Really, she doesn’t but that is what she has to work with and by the Grace of God she will and by His Grace she will succeed and your heart will change.  Speaking of who deserves what, did she deserve what she got from her daddy while growing up?  Of course not.

2014-12-20 21.35.19-1You are afraid that if you give her this chance and let your guard down that she will fail you and mess it all up and you will get hurt again. You cannot live your life in fear of what may happen. You will never know unless you try and getting hurt is a risk that goes along with that but it is a risk that must be taken else you’ll never accomplish anything in life but death and your life would mean nothing and you would never get your purpose. Jump, J. Take a leap of faith. Try it and see what happens.  What are you afraid of?  I bet when you first started reading this, you thought to yourself that you don’t care and that your heart is cold.  If you don’t care and your heart can’t get broke, then there really is no excuse for you not to try, is there?  Heck, do it just to prove me wrong.  Take it as a dare.  Let’s see how it goes.


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With all my heart,

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Categories: Child Sexual Abuse, Healing, Love, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,