Posts Tagged With: heartbreak

Mel’s Ramblings

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes. I own my mistakes. I accept the consequences of my actions. I am nobody to judge anybody else. Why do those are the same as me, somehow think they’re better than me and have a right judge me? Everyone is the same. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody has the right to judge anybody else. I just wish the world would remember that. I wish certain people in my life would remember that.

These last few months have shown me how alone I really am. Getting a phone call from anyone other than my Daddy and texts from anyone other than my oldest daughter, Tiffany, is rare and far and few between. I know that some, like my best friend Polly and my younger brothers and sister have been going through there on ordeals which of course take priority in their lives. Yet others, who I thought would be there for support, vanished from my life. Then, there are those who have chosen to continue the gossip; spreading rumors, innuendos and judgements as if they are somehow above me and have never made mistakes and errors in judgement.

I’ve learned that I’m no one’s priority other than my own; no one can ever be trusted 100% other than my dad; and that most people who ask how you are would prefer you answer with the lie and say “great” than to tell the truth and say “not so good”. When you tell the truth, they stop asking because they don’t want to feel obligated to listen to your problems and help you fix them.

I think sometimes people forget or just simply don’t know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed with trials and tribulations that all you can do is pray for somebody to step in and help pick them back up, brush off the dust, and tell them it’s all going to be ok and that if no one does, how easy it is to simply give up because no one seems to care one way or another anyway.

And it is true that some people really do not care one way or the other as long as their life is going good for them. I have heard the phrase, “not my problem”, more times in the last three months then I think I have heard in my entire life. When did we reach the point where people only care about themselves not about the people around them? Just because it’s not your problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help, does it? Sometimes, the only help when needs is an ear to listen and a mouth that delivers wise advice. Is that so hard to do these days? Where has all the empathy gone? And if you can’t take the time out to listen to another and advise them what makes you think everyone should take the time to listen to you when you find yourself in an upward battle? Are you really that much better than the rest of the world?

Ramblings from the mind of a broken-hearted, lost soul.

Forever in his Grace,

Mel

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Categories: Adventure, Friendship, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Find Yourself, Don’t Change Yourself

Dont changeDo not change who you are; that is not how it works.
Who you are is who you have always been.
Who you are is who he fell in love with; he remembers You.

Somewhere along the way; you have forgotten You;
gone astray; gotten lost; been misplaced; been hidden;
buried yourself under the heap of rubbish you have not let go of.

You’ve focused on the ugly for so long that you’ve become blinded by it;
you’ve become unable to see all of the beauty in the midst of the tragedies.
You have not chosen to accept, embrace, and live all of life’s adventures.

Dig way down deep into your gut; beneath all the sorrow;
beneath all the pain; beneath all the tragedy;
beneath all that weighs heavily on your mind and on your heart.

Right there, underneath all the clutter, lies your core.
It is there; in the center of your core; that you will find You;
yourself; your true self; your beautiful beautiful soul.

That is who you are.  That is who you have always been.
You got sidetracked by the monsters whose purpose it is…
to keep you from the path which leads you to the light.

Now that you’ve found yourself, throw away all the rubbish;
Open your eyes and see the beauty where the rubbish once was;
the beauty that was hidden by the rubbish you were hoarding.

That is who You are.
Stop carrying the clutter with you through time.  Put it behind you and leave it there.
There is no need to change yourself.  
All you need to is to find yourself.

Forever with Love and Compassion,
Guided by His Grace,

~Mel

Categories: Adventure, Love, Tragedy | Tags: , , , , ,

On This Day…

Angel Merito September 21, 1995 1lb, 2oz, 13″ Time on Earth: 3 min.

January 13, 1996:  Angel Merito* was due to be born.  Unfortunately, God decided he needed Angel more than I did and took him from my womb and the Earth on September 21, 1995.

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Daralee Ann Olson December 2, 1977 ~~~~~~to~~~~~~ January 13, 2000 Time on Earth: 22 years, one month, one week, four days.

January 13, 2000:  Daralee Olson** was called upon by the Lord to leave us and join him in Heaven.  At 22 years old, the world wasn’t ready to let her go yet, but she was ready to answer God’s call.

Do you think Dara and Angel sit around and visit and chat about us down here?  I think she looks after Angel for me as I have looked after he children for her.  I would like to think it works that way.  Perhaps their souls are scheduled for rebirth if they haven’t been reborn already.  I think they have been watching us and intervening where necessary to help get everything back where it belongs.

IMG_16123307975018January 13, 2015:  Lorenzo was due to be born and join us but somebody (I won’t name any names) got impatient and he joined us on January 7.  How better than to start off the new year, and our new lives, than with a new baby?  He is the most beautiful baby in all of Texas.

Did you know that 7 is a lucky number?  It’s not just an urban legend.  Devon was number 7 on the football team that won every single game, when he was 7 years old.

Now, if baby Violet would join us today, she would make an excellent addition to the list of people to celebrate today.

When we look at today, let’s look at it with joy and happiness.  Look at the amazing things about what this day is.  Look at the good that came out of the bad.

c12573e30cc492696a545f3f5777b95dThis is a day that should be celebrated and not mourned.  Only a handful of us continue to remember a certain day in our lives and relive the pain of that day every year, but this year will be different.  We will celebrate that day because although we had a loss, heaven had a gain and it was our loved one that was chosen and that is something to celebrate.

God has a way of washing away our sorrows and replacing them with joy.

John 16 Good News Translation (GNT)

20 I am telling you the truth: you will cry and weep, but the world will be glad; you will be sad, but your sadness will turn into gladness. 

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace.
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*I experienced a placental abruption, which began as a small tear around week 12 and gradually increased to a full placental abruption.  A full abruption is when the placenta completely detaches from the lining of the uterus.  The abruption led to preterm labor which, naturally, resulted in premature birth. The membranes never ruptured, Angel was born inside the sac, everything intact.  Asphyxiation occurred causing the inevitable, death.  This had an enormous impact on me.  I believe this was the beginning of the end of what was once a wonderful marriage.  Plans to grow old together disintegrated.  This is the point in my life where I got lost.  I got angry.  I cursed God.  I threw away my Faith.  I had no hope.  I wanted to be dead.  I lived without feeling as best I could.  The pain was unbearable.  No mother should ever have to experience the adventure of burying her own child.  It was the last time I cried until I was saved by God’s Grace.  Read “Detour” for more on this topic.  This is the first time I have shared his photograph to the world.  I’ve always feared people would misuse it.  I hope they don’t but the world needs to see how beautiful he was.

**Daralee Olson became a type one diabetic after the birth of her third child, who is my second son, Johnny.  The illness struck hard and fast and in less than a year after giving birth, she fell into a coma and passed away due to complications which arose from the diabetes.  I cannot get into detail as I do not have the full story and I do not want to tell it incorrectly.  I was blessed with the opportunity to step into her shoes and care for her children.  I wasn’t perfect, but I did the best I could with what I had at the time.  I do miss our late-night talks as she snuck up to the store where I worked for a candy bar she wasn’t allowed to have and a chat with me for a while after everyone else at home had gone to sleep.  She would be very proud of her children today.  I now her momma misses her as I miss mine.  We will all be reunited again when it is time.

Categories: Friendship, Love, Parenthood, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How I Met God

lean-not-own-unders-pr-3_5The Lord has set a path for each and every one of us to get to him through the light. The evil-doers cannot enter the light and we must distance ourselves from the evil-doers or we will never make it to our destination. The evil-doers serve to distract us from our paths and keep us in the dark. We must not allow ourselves to be distracted and veer off path if we ever want to reach the end. Those who claim to know God yet use God’s words to cause his children pain, do not know God. Those who claim to know what path God wants another to take, do not know God. Only you can know what path you are to be on and only I know what path I am to be on.

I know God. I met him. I spoke to him. He sent me a guide who lights the path that I must travel to reach the place where my faith dwells – the place that is so bright that the shadows cannot exist in, the place the monsters cannot go to for the monsters cannot dwell in the light, they can only dwell in the shadows. I did not know God before my journey. I continued to deny God during my journey.

Matthew 5:11-12 "Happy are you when people insult you and persecute you and tell all kinds of evil lies against you because you are my followers.  Be happy and glad, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven.  This is how the prophets who lived before you were persecuted."

I began to feel God and then wonder if it was him that kept pulling me up out of the darkness every time I tripped and fell. At the end of that journey, was the light and my faith and God. I thought he had left me long ago, but he never did. He was always with me even when I denied him. I crawled through the depths of hell along the path of all that’s right and just towards an unknown destination. I wondered why the road was so hard and why I was alone on it. I fell and got lost and my guide lit the path and I got up and continued on my way. This is stupid, I kept thinking. Maybe I have gone crazy, I told myself. This journey is too hard and it hurts too much and I don’t think I can make it. People turned their backs on me. People laughed at me and degraded me and kicked me back down each time I got up. I saw no purpose in the journey but I wanted to get away from the pain and I wasn’t allowed to give up. I survived.

I am out of the darkness and dwelling in the light and my heart is filled with the love of God. I know God. I know the purpose of my journey. I know why I had to endure so much. God has a plan for me and I had to experience those things to carry out His wishes. I am to help others escape similar situations and get to the light so the darkness doesn’t take them. Had I not lived through it, I would not have the understanding to help others through it. He trusted in me and knew I was strong enough to make it, even though I denied Him. How amazing is that?!

It matters not that you believe or disbelieve me. I know God. He believes in me and I Him. That is what matters. I hope you find your path.

God says that if you can stick to the path, at the end of the journey, you will be rewarded with treasures beyond comparison. He does not lie. The treasures I have gained throughout my journey cannot be purchased, they are greater than anything money can buy, they are irreplaceable and no man can ever take from me that which God has rewarded me with as long as I stay on my path. God says I am not to be distracted by you – don’t be dismayed – don’t be discouraged – they know not which of they speak – they know not your journey. Thank you Lord for not ever giving up on me and thank you for delivering me from the darkness and thank you for the words I needed to write this.

~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace

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Categories: Friendship, Love, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Truth Seeking

images (6)My search for the truth is a never ending mission.

images (3)
Never did I imagine
being buried in his lies.
because everything he said was bull

I am still training myself
to remember that his
words are always lies;

38099826ea3be5267ffa2866ba80d7bf

a self-projection of himself
onto others at times and an
occasional deception to
work his way back in my life.

IMG_20141204_092019Not all truths are pretty and easy
to hear nor are they easy to accept.
I have uncovered some truths that
I want to refuse to accept as truth, as
they are very disturbing to me.  I am
beginning to wonder if some truths
are better left uncovered.

60c6213ec3e95ec7c4fa04e27d630591Delving into the past can bring
back painful memories, happy
memories, and make one dream
about what could have been.
It can be depressing to see what
was and how it was lost.
Such is life, I suppose.

♥♥♥ I have a very special message coming out tomorrow.  It is already written and will automatically publish when the clock rolls over into the next day.  I dare not look at it else I will try to edit it and then it won’t be finished anymore and not be published on time.  It has to be up tomorrow.  So I will leave it alone. ♥♥♥

I continue to be amazed in my relationship with Brian.  I feel myself having insecure moments wpid-wp-1419136738860.jpegfrom time to time.  This is a relationship unlike any other I have had before.  I am still learning that it is different.  It is non-abusive.  It is loving and although I know I can trust him, I still have reservations with showing him my inner being.  When I do open up for a short amount of time, I feel myself becoming anxious and want to cry.  I want to cry not because he’s hurt me in any way, but because every time I open up, I fear that is when he 627a32759f167be8ac906c45c676bb6cwill change and break my heart.  I anticipate the heartbreak.  That is how I know I am so deeply in love with him that I never want to lose him.  I try very hard not to compare him with my ex’s or this relationship with past relationships.  It is difficult not to do so.

I still struggle with leaving the horrors of 2014 back in 2014.  I am doing better today than I was yesterday.  That is progress.  Progress is good.  My oldest is still safe, clean, and sober.  If only you knew how relieving that is for me.  My biggest fear was going to check on him and finding him deceased.  That would kill me.  It would be more devastation than I could handle at this point.  After Angel, after the 12 years of a fraudulent marriage, 14 years of listening to nothing but lies, being mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused and put in a state where I was doubting my own sanity, learning the horrors of my daughter’s childhood, my other children’s childhoods, and the non-stop smear campaign I have been subjected to, there is just no way I could survive such a thing. tumblr_m8mvyaFOmK1qa6psxo1_500Thank you, God, for answering my prayers and helping me with him when no one else would and thank you, Paul, for taking my prayers to be heard.  I will never forget that day.  You saved me that day.  I didn’t want anyone else to see me hand you the envelope.  Which reminds me……

More-Grace

Ttruth-seeks-lightI get it now.  I understand.  I know what God’s Grace is.  I know what prayer is for.  I understand His message.  I have seen it.  I have felt it. I have been saved by it.  I have found my Faith and I have been saved by God’s Grace.  At the very moment when it happened, tears began streaming down my face.  It happened that day I accompanied the three of you to Shiloh.  My anger and sorrow and pain all being washed away with each teardrop that fell and replaced with love and faith and hope.  He washed away my troubles through my tears and made me whole again.  7e0de55973ee3c11018bcfa1dee9e9c1I still have tears falling and washing away the pain.  It’s not continuous, but it is daily.  So many years I did not cry.  I did not let anything out.  I did not let anything show.  So much had built up inside me that I could fill an empty river.  He brought me out of the darkness and into the light, where I am safe and can no longer be harmed by the monsters.  That’s what he is.  A monster behind a mask.  The monsters cannot live in the light of the Lord.  For years, I denied him.  For years, I cursed him.  For years, I hated him.  He let so much hurt happen to me that there was just no way he could be real and if he were, then he is so cruel and demented that he had to be the devil in disguise.

salvation21Not once did He ever leave my side, not when I turned my back on him, not when I cursed Him, not when I denied Him, not when I yelled at Him, not when I took His name in vain, not when I attacked believers, not when I degraded His name, His Son, and His words, not once did He abandon me.  He has always been with me, waiting for the day I finally turned to him for mercy.  He knew I would even though I swore it could never happen.

That john15_18-20day I wrote my prayer request down on paper and handed it to you, it was not for me, it was for my children.  He heard me and through you, He guided me down the path of all that’s right and just, my path, the one I had to travel, the path that led me to my faith, to Him, and to be saved by God’s Grace.  I was mocked, attacked, degraded, insulted, and defamed in the monster’s attempts to destroy me.  He had an army ofgrace-300x225 minions using lies to assault me and I had myself, armed only with the truth and no army.  I still prevailed.  I fell many times, got knocked down time and time again, got lost, gave in to distractions, gave in to temptations, and almost gave up near the end, but each time I veered off into the wrong direction, that little light appeared and I got back up and back on my path and kept on going.  Just me against the world, determined to reveal the truth.

imagesI did it all on my own – I shouldn’t say all, as I had His guidance through you, but I went against all odds and with almost everyone either against me or neutral, and I still prevailed.  No one wants to be on the side of the lone warrior in battle.  It’s a for sure loss.  Yet, here I stand, victorious.  Reminds me of David and Goliath, but before I digress…He washed away my pain and rewarded me with the most precious gifts.  The rewards for making it to the end of my path to Grace are greater than anyone could ever know or understand unless they have walked the path and reached the end to be saved as I was, by God’s Grace.  Paul, you have done so much for me, yet you are humble and keep saying you didn’t do much each time I try to tell you.  I wanted to write it all out so you could see for yourself the impact you have had on my life and how you led me to my Faith.  Thank you so much.  You have my appreciation and adoration.

Stay StrongWhat greater reward is there than having your faith restored, all the anger, pain and hate washed out of you and replaced by love, and to be saved by God’s Grace?  I say saved because that’s how I feel.  I was saved from the darkness, from the monsters, from the pain and now I stand in the light where I am safe and nothing can hurt me here.  As for the Trials and Tribulations I was forced to face, I had to face them to understand them.  God has plans for me.  I am to guide others through similar trials and tribulations.  How could I do that if I had not faced them and overcome them myself?  God gathers warriors to send out and help those lost find their paths to the light.  He wants all his children in the light where they are safe.

images (1)sola-gratiaThat’s my take on it anyway.  After all I have experienced, I can say that I am right and no one can tell me I don’t know God.  John, you can call me crazy.  I don’t mind anymore.  It’s ok.  I expect to be hearing about how I have gone completely batshit crazy by the end of the evening.  If it makes you fell good, go for it.  You cannot hurt me here.   You can’t come into the light.  To everyone, in all that I have suffered, was it worth it?  Absolutely.  Would I change parts of it?  Of course.  I know that I am not worthy of His Grace, yet I have received it.  How amazing is that?  Even more amazing is that I, of all people, am actually writing this.  Quotation-R-C-Sproul-justice-god-grace-mercy-Meetville-Quotes-156781When we are given such precious gifts that we do not deserve, we must recognize that we do not deserve them and we must appreciate them and hold them dear to our hearts.

May you find your path, see the light, and not fear traveling it alone.

~Mel Saved by Grace

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Categories: Falsehoods, Love, Saved by Grace | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

EVERYTHING

That’s the true answer.  When you asked the question, I lied and said NOTHING.  I lied to hide the pain.  I did not want you to see how much it hurt me.  I have always loved you.  I never once stopped.  I did what had to be done.  When I left you, I left you my heart.  I wanted to come back to it.  Things did not go as I had hoped they would go.  Perhaps it was you, perhaps it was me, perhaps it was both of us, perhaps it was interference. Would things have turned out any differently had I handled them differently?  I have no answers.  You were my forever love.  My one and only.  We were to grow old together.

You asked me what I would miss if I walked out that door and the truth is, I have missed everything and I would do anything to be able to change the way I did things.  Often times I wonder if you think about me.  I think about you.  I have searched for you, but you do not want to be found.  There are so many things I want to tell you, but you do not want to hear them.  Do I still hold your heart?  Have you never stopped loving me as I have never stopped loving you?  Do you remember our love?  When we first met?  When you first kissed me?  When you first said you think you love me?  The first time we shared our love together, the poetry you wrote me, the letters you sent to me, the day you got down on one knee and proposed, when I said yes, when we wed, when made babies, our home together, and every moment of joy in between?  I remember everything and it’s that everything that I have missed.

I will always love you.  I will always hope you are doing well.  I will always wish things had turned out differently, the way we planned on them turning out.  I want you to know that I never meant to break your heart and your heart is not the only one that broke that day.  Mine broke too.  I cannot change that which has been done.  What is done, is done and turning back the hands of time is not an option.  I need my heart back, so please release it.  I have finally found someone as worthy as you once were to hold it for me.  He is good to me, as you once were.  You would like him.  He keeps it real and only keeps real people around him.  He doesn’t focus on the irrelevant and has no need to bullshit.  Giving him my heart to hold does not mean you won’t still have a part of it.  It just means that it is time for my heart to move on and time for me to love once more.  I want you to get up and go out and love once more as well.  I want you to have the happiness, the peace, the love and the joy that you so deserve.  Someday, I will see you again and you will hear my words.  I don’t know when nor where, but someday it will be so.

You asked me what I would miss if I left.  I told you I would not miss a thing.  I lied.  The truth is, I have missed EVERYTHING.

~Mel

Categories: Love | Tags: , , ,