Before I even open my eyes, I call your name. I reach out to place my arm around you, my head on your chest to hear your heart beat. You don’t answer and I can’t feel you. You’re not there. I begin to open my eyes, slowly awake from a deep sleep and dreams of us. The memory hits me again; the memory of your leaving. The the hurt comes back harder than the day before. How long does heartbreak last? Can anything sooth the pain? Only you have been able to sooth the pain. You stopped loving me but I didn’t stop loving you. Then it hits me. This must be how he felt when I simply walked away from him. Then I suddenly understood the hatred. It isn’t hatred at all. It’s pain – the only kind of pain that comes from love which is not reciprocated but had been in the past. Now I see my future in him. Karma. This is my karma.
Posts Tagged With: Love
Somewhere along the way; you have forgotten You;
gone astray; gotten lost; been misplaced; been hidden;
buried yourself under the heap of rubbish you have not let go of.
You’ve focused on the ugly for so long that you’ve become blinded by it;
you’ve become unable to see all of the beauty in the midst of the tragedies.
You have not chosen to accept, embrace, and live all of life’s adventures.
Dig way down deep into your gut; beneath all the sorrow;
beneath all the pain; beneath all the tragedy;
beneath all that weighs heavily on your mind and on your heart.
Right there, underneath all the clutter, lies your core.
It is there; in the center of your core; that you will find You;
yourself; your true self; your beautiful beautiful soul.
That is who you are. That is who you have always been.
You got sidetracked by the monsters whose purpose it is…
to keep you from the path which leads you to the light.
Now that you’ve found yourself, throw away all the rubbish;
Open your eyes and see the beauty where the rubbish once was;
the beauty that was hidden by the rubbish you were hoarding.
That is who You are.
Stop carrying the clutter with you through time. Put it behind you and leave it there.
There is no need to change yourself. All you need to is to find yourself.
Forever with Love and Compassion,
Guided by His Grace,
I see you are at a crossroads. This is the only first LOVE you get. Never will you have the opportunity which you have at this very moment again.
LOVE is not easy. To keep LOVE alive, you must work hard at it. If it were easy, everyone would have it; no one would appreciate it; no one would treasure it. Whether you choose to work at it and embrace it or throw it away because of a pebble in your path is up to you. While you make your decision, you need to know this:
You know that LOVE she has for you? That is the kind of LOVE you don’t want to lose. She will stick with you through thick and thin no matter what. She would sacrifice the moon for you. That LOVE is rare and hard to come by. You will never find another LOVE like that, so think long and hard before you throw it all away.
Yet, perhaps she is better off without you holding her back. She will never LOVE another the way she LOVES you. Even if she would be better off without you holding her back, she will sacrifice all that she could be just to keep LOVING you.
This is your life. You are in control of it. You decide if it is worth it or not to see where your adventure with your first LOVE goes on the challenging narrow path or to take the wide and easy road. I can tell you it is worth it to her.
What is that worth to you? To have somebody LOVE you so unconditionally that they will sacrifice everything for you?
True and unconditional love.
The Narrow and Wide Gates
13“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14“For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it. ~Matthew 7
Do you think LOVE should be easy? If you throw this LOVE away over a pebble, you will always throw LOVE away over a pebble. There are many pebbles on the path of all that’s right and just. You gotta go through the darkness to get to the light.
Forever growing in His Grace,
You want someone to feel
the pain that you feel;
to feel how deep it hurts;
to know how unbearable it is;
how shattered you have
become because of it all,
yet still capable of sharing
unlimited love in spite of it all.
You know you’re broken.
You know how broken you are.
You’re content with being broken.
You’ve accepted yourself
in all of your brokenness.
You don’t want to be fixed.
You want to be seen.
You want to be loved.
You want to see that you’re seen
and feel that you’re loved,
all the way deep,
down to your core,
to the very center of your existence.
You need to see that you’re seen
and feel that you’re loved
for who you are,
as you are now.
Every Single Little
Broken Piece of You.
Use your words wisely. You never know the emotional state somebody else is in. When you attack with your words, you risk delivering the blow that shatters the already fragile state causing complete destruction of the heart. As soon as the reality sets in that the monster has finally reached everyone around her with his lies and his mission is accomplished, the realization that she no longer has to consider anyone else’s wishes follows. Why should she when no one considers hers? It’s not going to change a thing about how others see her. She’s already hated, so threatening her with hating her isn’t going to work. We all have triggers. Insults based on her exes lies are triggers. That, on top of what she heard from the person called to tattle on her, as if she’s child and under another’s control, was more than enough. She love unconditionally, but she does not like unconditionally and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she hurts back. Why should she care when no one else does?
To J: You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you? It was a great comment. It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls. I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter. Tell her anything you want to tell her. Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up. Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong. Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now. Tell her what you expect from her in the future. Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see. It will help others in situations like yours. I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and letters. It takes courage to break the silence. You used that courage before. I would like to see you use it again and write anything and everything you feel like writing. That said…………… …of course there’s more. I haven’t even addressed your comment to me yet. ❤
Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa, after all the shit she put everyone thru, and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her, she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.
How long have I known you? Since you were what, about 5 or 6 years old sounds about right. You and my daughter have been best friends for a long time. Your MOTHER and I were best friends for quite some time as well. Your momma was there for me in times I needed somebody most. She was the only one there. I have been to all the birthday parties she has put together for you and your brother. I don’t even think you know what she went through to make each and every birthday as special and as perfect for you as she could. I don’t think you know half of what she has put herself through to take care of you. She doesn’t regret it and she would do it a hundred times over if she had to. She wants nothing but the best for you. She loves you with her whole heart. I remember one Christmas I came by and your momma was in tears That year she didn’t have any money to buy you a present. She didn’t want you to wake up Christmas morning and not have anything. Your momma is proud and it was not easy to get her to accept help and the only reason why she did it was for you. If not for you, she wouldn’t have taken it. I can only imagine what it is like to have a mom love you so much that she would do anything she possibly can to make you happy. You have that. I’ve never had that. Cherish it. Not all of us can be so lucky. Her love for you is unconditional and there nothing in this world you can do to make her stop loving you.
I’m going to break down your comment now and address one piece at a time.
Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa,
Blackmail, eh? You want me to choose between you and your mother? I do not make deals with people’s lives. I have tried to get JJ to understand that for some time now, but he is a sick narcissistic sociopath and blackmail is one of the abusive tactics they use regularly. JJ the child molester has your dad as a friend. Why don’t you tell your dad to get out of his house as long as he and JJ are friends? That’s a guy that doesn’t even deserve to live let alone walk around free. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with all the damage he has caused. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with raping his own daughter. Look at that anger festering up inside of you. It’s festered so long that it’s blinded you. You have every right to be angry. No one blames you for being angry. She hurt you and she was supposed to always protect you. I was supposed to protect my kids too and I failed. I didn’t hurt them directly, but I never even seen the signs that they were being hurt. Your momma did something she should have never done. She knows that. She admits it. So now I get the silent treatment because you have mommy issues. That’s OK. I still love you. My love is unconditional as well.
Be aware of the path you are on and don’t become cold, bitter and heartless. You are beautiful and intelligent. You love your momma. I know this. Stop hiding your love behind your anger. Let your love shine through and the anger will fade away.
after all the shit she put everyone thru,
“Everyone” meaning who?“ All the shit meaning what?” Does no one else have any responsibility for what has happened to them in their lives? What about all the shit your momma has been through? You haven’t been through half the shit she had been through by the time she reached your age. Is that insignificant? Does it make any difference at all? It doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She still has to own her behavior and take responsibility for it. Just as your poor behavior right now is explained by shit you went through. It is not excused by it though. You still have to own it and take responsibility for it. Knowing where you’ve been shows you are not a mean, spiteful, hateful girl. You’re angry and you need to heal. I see you through your anger. When you do not take the time to heal, you end up being the one hurting those you love. You cannot address the abuse she inflicted without addressing why she inflicted it; what made her what she was. To kill a weed, you have to kill its roots. If you pluck it off at the top, it will come back next time it rains. Break the Silence. That is why it is so important to talk about it, raise awareness, and get your story out there. It helps you AND it helps others.
and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her,
Junk? Obviously if you are calling it junk then you couldn’t understand. You don’t even know what it is. You cannot understand that which you don’t know. Do you know my cause, J? Do you know what I stand for? That “junk” on my page includes things such as #LoveChangesPeople , Make #Compassion go viral, #ShatterTheSilence , #TakeControl , #MakeSomebodySmileToday . We are women, we are warriors, we are mothers and we are proud. We once were victims. Then Survivors. Now Warriors. As warriors, we help those who need help. You can’t understand it because you are too blinded by your anger which is derived from fear. Some go from Victim to Abuser, much like your momma did. But they do not have to stay on that path. They can change direction and become warriors. Some just need a little more help than others. Guidance, love, support, kindness and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words. I am not asking you to pretend like everything bad is gone. I know it will take time and words don’t mean much. I am asking you for patience and observation. Watch your momma transform into the beautiful woman you remember as a child. Withhold judgment and don’t stand in her way to recovery and healing. Don’t trip her and cause her to fall off the path of all that’s right and just. Let her reach the end to be saved by His Grace and have her pain and sorrow washed away and replaced with joy. You don’t think she deserves it, but God does. No one, not even you, deserves God’s Grace but he waits for us to reach him so he can give it to us anyway. He is waiting for you, too and he will wash away your pain and sorrow too. You cannot understand that until it happens but when it happens, you will know and you will never be able to deny it. All of that aside, your momma is my friend and friends help friends without judging them. Family helps family without judging them. Unconditional Love. You never turn your back on those who were there for you when you needed them.
she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.
Says who? Says you? And to what do you base such judgment on? Her actions? What about your actions, J? You and I both know you are not perfect and you have done some pretty mean and hateful things. Shall we talk about the little dog you decided you didn’t want anymore and how you tried to get rid of it? Shall you be judged for that little incident for the rest of your life? You tried to kill a little puppy with poison, J, a little puppy that you wanted and then when it got a little older, you grew tired of it and were ready to throw it in the garbage so you could get a brand new one.
So what is this ‘inevitable’ you speak of? Death? We all die, J. We all try our best to prolong it, don’t we? You had so much heart when you were little. Where did it all go? Before you tell me it died or that you’ve been hardened due to the shit that’s happened, think about how your momma got hardened. Can you honestly tell me that you can condemn her for being exactly the way you are headed to be? That’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? You can’t condemn her unless you are without error and on a different path than she was on.
Who are you to decide what type of friends she deserves? God placed her in my path for a reason, J. Evidently, God says she deserves a friend like me and who are you to question God? Maybe she doesn’t deserve such a hateful daughter. Really, she doesn’t but that is what she has to work with and by the Grace of God she will and by His Grace she will succeed and your heart will change. Speaking of who deserves what, did she deserve what she got from her daddy while growing up? Of course not.
You are afraid that if you give her this chance and let your guard down that she will fail you and mess it all up and you will get hurt again. You cannot live your life in fear of what may happen. You will never know unless you try and getting hurt is a risk that goes along with that but it is a risk that must be taken else you’ll never accomplish anything in life but death and your life would mean nothing and you would never get your purpose. Jump, J. Take a leap of faith. Try it and see what happens. What are you afraid of? I bet when you first started reading this, you thought to yourself that you don’t care and that your heart is cold. If you don’t care and your heart can’t get broke, then there really is no excuse for you not to try, is there? Heck, do it just to prove me wrong. Take it as a dare. Let’s see how it goes.
With all my heart,
The purge is working. I am feeling much better and once again moving forward in my recovery.There is nothing left tugging at my hem, trying to trip me up. This is good. What makes it even better is the purge made space for real friends to return to my life.
I am back to making progress. I’m still wearing my boots. I am nowhere near tired yet. Progress has a way of giving me strength. Late last year, I attempted to contact an old friend. She was once my best friend. She was always there for me. I wrote about her on no more silence at Jigsy. It is not like me to turn my back on a true friend. I knew she was a true friend, but somehow, John managed to make me believe she wasn’t. I came to believe she was just using me to get to him. He told me that. He told me that she approached him and told him she wanted him all to herself. I believed it at the time. I’m not so sure I believe it now. Maybe he lied or maybe he told her a lie that got her to thinking that way. I do not know. What I do know is that it isn’t in my character to do the things I did to her while believing the things John had told me about her. As I learned with Missy and him being the root of the problem, I believe he is the root of the problem Megs and I had as well. After all, he was the problem causing the children to fight with each other, the children and I to fight and others to fight. It’s that drama that the Narcissist Sociopath is addicted to. They need the drama. Watching others fight and argue gives him the opportunity to rescue somebody. That makes him look good and he becomes important to the person he rescued. The person comes to trust and believe in him and feel that he is a true friend or boyfriend. It is not really rescuing when he was the creator of the situation in the first place. It is entrapment. It is a game. He does that a lot. He pits people together by whispering one thing in the person on the right’s ear and something else in the person on the left’s ear. I’ve written about that as well. Eventually, the parties do come back together and discuss those whispers. That is when the Narc experiences more exposure. I feel it will not be much longer before full exposure occurs. I must keep fighting until I reach my end goal. Full exposure is one of many goals on the way to the end goal.
I digressed. So, what I was saying about Megs is that she has always been a true friend. She was always there for me as I was for her. People talked a lot of trash about her and I never understood it. I never saw her the way they spoke about her. I defended her when I could. She was my friend and I wouldn’t let people degrade her. BAM! I understand it now. No, they weren’t right. They just didn’t know. They did not see her. When they looked at her, they saw what they were programmed to see by what they had heard. I never listened to rumor. That’s why I never saw what they saw. I only saw Megs. I never should have simply taken John at his word. Why did I do that? Normally, I confront the person and ask if it is true. There was something about our discussion that made me not approach her. Perhaps it is because he told me it would be useless, as she would just lie to me and say she never told him that. BAM. Had I approached her, she would have said that. No, she wouldn’t have been lying but he had already set it up to make me believe she would have. He planted that seed. It wouldn’t matter what she said. He already said it and got me to predetermine that it would’ve been a lie.
It looks like I just answered my own question. He lied to me to separate me from my only best friend I had left in this town. Now that I think about it even further, it was around the same time that he began sexually abusing Cynthia. Cynthia and Meg’s daughter, Jos, were best friends. They were almost inseparable. Most certainly she would’ve told Jos what he was doing had Jos been around. Damn. With Megs and I on the outs, Jos didn’t come around. Megs wasn’t bringing her to visit and no way in hell was I bringing Cynthia to visit Jos. Damn.
Guess who I talked to today. Megs. OMG we talked so much yet no way near enough. I have missed m best friend. We need like a whole week on an island with margaritas, pina coladas, and hot sexy men to look at while we catch up with what we’ve been doing. I know Megs has dealt with some major shit as I have. I did check up on her once in a while, but I couldn’t talk to her. It was good chatting with her. It was only on Facebook, but it was still good. As soon as she’s back in town, we will get caught up. I feel like she’s back already – and like I never really lost her.
Progress. More of John’s damages gorilla glued back together. I have no doubt that this one will be like the others have turned out – stronger than ever – so strong that nothing can ever break the bond again.
True friendship. Unconditional love. Love changes people. Today was an awesome day. Thank you, God. I needed that.
~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
I read those words posted by a new found friend and fellow warrior, Grace. Those words have been circling around in my head ever since.
From a quick Google search…
Why do we need counseling for children who feel their parents hate them? What is wrong with this world?
The longer I am a therapist for teens, the more emails I get from desperate teenagers. The emails are most often about a painful incident that makes a teen believe their parent(s) hate them.
Other reasons I get emails from teens:
1. Looking for help: How can I get my parents to say yes?
2. Looking for help: How can I make my parents like me more?
3. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents trust me?
4. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents let me be myself?
I KNOW THOSE WORDS.
Brian and I went up to TMC to see his new granddaughter. She’s over a week old, but there’s a problem with her blood sugar so she has not been able to go home yet. She was taken to Tucson where the specialists can run some tests. Mommy and Daddy have not left her side. They have many visitors, both friends and family. People bring them necessities and goodies to snack on as well as little gifts for the baby. There is always somebody there checking on them and making sure they are hanging in there. That is LOVE. Love is helping them travel the difficult path they are on. As I sat and observed, I felt out of place. I have not known Love like that.
I DO NOT KNOW THAT LOVE.
When I was hospitalized during my pregnancy with Angel, no one sent me flowers. No one came to visit. No one checked up on me. No one cared. When I lost Angel, no one came. No one called. No one cared. Some people came to the funeral, but they weren’t there for me. No one offered me comfort. My own mother was there. You know what she talked about? I allowed her to hold Angel before I put him in his forever bed and she said that holding him was helping her put her miscarriage behind her. My mother wasn’t very far along when she miscarried a pregnancy before I was born and after my brother was born. She was in her first trimester and she tells me about how she went to the bathroom one day with terrible cramps and it just came out. She flushed and that was the end of that. I don’t want to downplay what she may have been through, but this was not the place nor the time for her to make the day about her and how she can finally recover from a miscarriage that happened over 25 years prior. Why does she always do that to me? I have a tragedy. I am in need of comfort. I need a hug. What do I get from her? A story about something that she went through and how it affected her. The day with Angel was not a miscarriage. I had a baby and he died. There is a difference and on the day I am burying my baby, I don’t give a damn about her miscarriage or anyone else’s for that matter.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS OVERSHADOW MY TRAGEDIES WITH YOUR OWN?
I was thinking about that day while sitting in the hospital waiting room and watching this wonderful, loving family interact. It seemed so disgustingly pathetic and mushy. It is a beautiful thing. It angered me. Why would witnessing so much love and comfort within a family anger me? That doesn’t make sense. What is so special about her that she gets so much attention? Wasn’t I worth somebody caring about me like that? Don’t I deserve some type of compassion or am I invisible?
I AM INVISIBLE.
I sat in sadness, remembering how I felt the day I lost Angel and the months and years that followed. I prayed to God that these people do not have to endure what I have endured. They asked me if I wanted to go in to see her. I declined. They asked why. I simply said, “I will see her when she comes home. Grandpa should go see her one more time before we leave.” This day was not about me or my loss or my fears. This day was about them and I was not going to do what my mother did and soil it for them. It’s hard enough for them as it is.
I WILL NOT BE LIKE MY MOTHER.
I was angry because I wanted what they had, but I learned long ago that I will never have it. My mother is my mother. Maybe she loves me but does not know how to show it. Maybe she hates me but does not want to admit it. Maybe she never really wanted me in the first place. My mother is who she is and she is not going to change. She will not be the mother that goes shopping with her daughter and has lunch on occassion. She will not be the mother that comforts and wipes away tears. She will never be the grandmother I had hoped my children would have, as I have most wonderful grandmothers. I recently asked various family members if my mother had always been that way or if she just hated me. It is not me, my aunt assured me. My mother has always been cold. They attribute it to her being the oldest of five and havng to do most of the work on the ranch and help with the other children. “It is what it is”, my aunt said. It is life. Stop trying to make her proud. She will never say those words. Stop tryng to please her she will never be pleased. Stop waiting for her to see you.
I WILL ALWAYS BE INVISIBLE TO HER
Of course, I have people in my life who care and that is great but it is not the same as having my mother be there. At least, that’s what I think when I try to imagine how it would be if she could see me.
I have read many books that discuss the mother-daughter bond. Each time I read a different volume, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting, the intellectual stimulation and joy of being read to.
If you read this…Do you read my writings? Do you even know that I write? This is my perspective. This is how I feel. Remember shortly after you and Dad divorced, on your birthday, I had Ginger’s mom bake your favorite cake, German Chocolate, for me to give you? I made a bunch of little note cards, ‘clues’, with directions, telling you where to find the next clue. The ‘clues’ took you to your surprise, the cake, was set up with candles for you. I tried so hard that day to make it special and get a thank you and an I love you from you. You didn’t even care. You blew out the candles and then left for the bar. Remember the pair of slippers I ave you that you turned around and gave to somebody else? I spent a lot of time and effort picking those out for you because I love you.
MY LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.
You now all of my perfect, 4.0 report cards? I worked hard to get those for you, but they never seemed good enough. Everything I did was to please you and get you to love me. I didn’t have to work that hard for the 4.0. I was pretty smart. I still am. Did you know I was in the G.A.T.E program? Did you know I tutored the younger grades? Did you know I was in a lot of plays? Did you know that I went to church almost every Sunday with Mr. and Mrs. Taylor who lived on the corner of the cul-de-sac? Did you know the older boy, Danny Nelson, molested me in our home while you were out with whichever boyfriend? Did you know that my brother and I were awake that night that Jerry Scangorillo (sp) raped you and we heard everything? Why did you keep bringing strays home to live in our house, give them my bedroom and make me move into my brother’s bedroom? I was a preteen and I needed my privacy. You never cared to talk to me about anything, not even about my future, boys, college, sex, etc. Yet still, I love you. You’re my mom.
DAD TAUGHT ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Dad was there for me. Dad was always there. Dad loved me. Dad taught me unconditional love. Dad wanted me around. I remember the first time I told you I wanted to go live with Dad. You poured tears, accused me of not loving you, told me how much I was hurting you, asked why I wanted to break your heart and then proceeded to tell me bad things about Dad. You made me feel guilty for loving my father and wanting him in my everyday life. Did you know, after you moved me up north and changed my last name and forbade me to speak to Dad, that I cried myself to sleep every night because I missed him so much and it hurt so bad? Then, you moved me to Arizona and I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to run away. That’s why I ran away. I couldn’t talk to you because last time I tried, you made me feel like garbage and you would never have let me go anyway. I hid from you while Dad took care of the court paperwork. You tried telling the judge I wasn’t old enough to choose, but he saw through you. You couldn’t manipulate him like you could others. You know what, maybe, just maybe, you are the first abusive relationship I have experienced. Maybe it was you that taught me to be comfortable in bad situations and let me fall into that pattern of abusive relationships. Yet still, I love you. You’re my mom.
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY MOM.
I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU LOVE THEM. HUG THEM. SHOW THEM YOU CARE. YOU AREN’T MAKING US STRONGER BY NOT SHOWING US LOVE. YOU ARE BREAKING US. END THE EPIDEMIC OF BROKEN PEOPLE.
listography quotes (You are the ___ to my___)
You are the Tom to my Jerry
You are the Buzz to my Woody
You are the Rory to my Amy
You’re the cookie to my milk
You’re the cracker to my cheese
You’re the key to my heart
You’re the paint to my brush
You’re the bee to my honey
You are the Kermit to my Miss Piggy
You are the Blaine to my Kurt
You’re the colour to my picture
You’re the apple to my pie
You’re the straw to my berry
You’re the umbrella to my rainy day
You’re the sun to my blue sky
You’re the stars to my night sky
You are the fish to my chips
You’re the icing to my cake
You’re the salt to my pepper
You’re the captain to my crew
You’re the frere to my Jaques
You’re the oranges to my lemons
You’re the rock to my roll
You’re the lolly to my pop
You’re the pon to my zi
You’re the rhythm to my blues
You’re the peach to my pear
You’re the mix to my match
You’re the ginger to my bread
You’re the candy to my cane
You’re the words to my story
You’re the donkey to my Shrek
You’re the sin2 to my cos2
I love these. They are hilarious. I sent My Brian a couple. He called me a dork. I said, “I might be a dork, but I make you laugh and you can’t help but love me.” I try not to allow myself to need him, and I know I don’t need him for vanity’s sake or for materialistic’s sake, but I am beginning to need him for emotional, mental, and physical sakes.
Brian is my Gorilla Glue (comment if I need to explain that). He is patient and kind. Through all of my trials and tribulations this past year, he has been my rock. When the road got rough, and many walked out on me, he stood behind me, supporting me when I’d start to lean and helping me stay on my feet. When most would have run as fast as they could from the craziness that was my life, he stayed with me. He understood my need to travel my path on my own. Not once did he interfere nor tell me what I had to do or even what I should do.I had asked him on occasion what he thought I should do. I had problems trusting my own decisions due to the severe mental and emotional abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex-narc. He was aware of that, or at least I think he was. You know how he would reply to those questions? He would ask what my goal was. I had to think about that. Was I persuing a goal? If not, what do I want the outcome of this situation to be? He helped me clarify my purpose for the action I planned to take by asking me a simple question. I would then tell him the goal. He followed with another question. He’d ask how the planned action was related to the goal, would it help me reach the goal, and what if such-and-such happened instead. A differrent perspective of the situation and planned action was provided to me with those questions. Adjust the planned actions, and proceed towards the goal or scrap the plan completely because it turned out to be a diversion from my path.
I had asked him on occasion what he thought I should do. I had problems trusting my own decisions due to the severe mental and emotional abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex-narc. He was aware of that, or at least I think he was. You know how he would reply to those questions? He would ask what my goal was. I had to think about that. Was I persuing a goal? If not, what do I want the outcome of this situation to be? He helped me clarify my purpose for the action I planned to take by asking me a simple question. I would then tell him the goal. He followed with another question. He’d ask how the planned action was related to the goal, would it help me reach the goal, and what if such-and-such happened instead. A differrent perspective of the situation and planned action was provided to me with those questions. Adjust the planned actions, and proceed towards the goal or scrap the plan completely because it turned out to be a diversion from my path.
I know what he did there. He just made me make my own decision and you made me secure in that decision. I am beginning to trust my decisions. He says he doesn’t do these things on purpose, that’s just how he is. It’s my path and I must make the decisions on my own just as I have to walk my path on my own. It’s been a great experience and I have learned so much about myself and how to trust myself and how to love myself. He is also showing me that I can trust in him, and that is huge. This man is amazing. He holds my heart and keeps it safe.
~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace
January 13, 1996: Angel Merito* was due to be born. Unfortunately, God decided he needed Angel more than I did and took him from my womb and the Earth on September 21, 1995.
January 13, 2000: Daralee Olson** was called upon by the Lord to leave us and join him in Heaven. At 22 years old, the world wasn’t ready to let her go yet, but she was ready to answer God’s call.
Do you think Dara and Angel sit around and visit and chat about us down here? I think she looks after Angel for me as I have looked after he children for her. I would like to think it works that way. Perhaps their souls are scheduled for rebirth if they haven’t been reborn already. I think they have been watching us and intervening where necessary to help get everything back where it belongs.
January 13, 2015: Lorenzo was due to be born and join us but somebody (I won’t name any names) got impatient and he joined us on January 7. How better than to start off the new year, and our new lives, than with a new baby? He is the most beautiful baby in all of Texas.
Did you know that 7 is a lucky number? It’s not just an urban legend. Devon was number 7 on the football team that won every single game, when he was 7 years old.
Now, if baby Violet would join us today, she would make an excellent addition to the list of people to celebrate today.
When we look at today, let’s look at it with joy and happiness. Look at the amazing things about what this day is. Look at the good that came out of the bad.
This is a day that should be celebrated and not mourned. Only a handful of us continue to remember a certain day in our lives and relive the pain of that day every year, but this year will be different. We will celebrate that day because although we had a loss, heaven had a gain and it was our loved one that was chosen and that is something to celebrate.
God has a way of washing away our sorrows and replacing them with joy.
John 16 Good News Translation (GNT)
20 I am telling you the truth: you will cry and weep, but the world will be glad; you will be sad, but your sadness will turn into gladness.
*I experienced a placental abruption, which began as a small tear around week 12 and gradually increased to a full placental abruption. A full abruption is when the placenta completely detaches from the lining of the uterus. The abruption led to preterm labor which, naturally, resulted in premature birth. The membranes never ruptured, Angel was born inside the sac, everything intact. Asphyxiation occurred causing the inevitable, death. This had an enormous impact on me. I believe this was the beginning of the end of what was once a wonderful marriage. Plans to grow old together disintegrated. This is the point in my life where I got lost. I got angry. I cursed God. I threw away my Faith. I had no hope. I wanted to be dead. I lived without feeling as best I could. The pain was unbearable. No mother should ever have to experience the adventure of burying her own child. It was the last time I cried until I was saved by God’s Grace. Read “Detour” for more on this topic. This is the first time I have shared his photograph to the world. I’ve always feared people would misuse it. I hope they don’t but the world needs to see how beautiful he was.
**Daralee Olson became a type one diabetic after the birth of her third child, who is my second son, Johnny. The illness struck hard and fast and in less than a year after giving birth, she fell into a coma and passed away due to complications which arose from the diabetes. I cannot get into detail as I do not have the full story and I do not want to tell it incorrectly. I was blessed with the opportunity to step into her shoes and care for her children. I wasn’t perfect, but I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I do miss our late-night talks as she snuck up to the store where I worked for a candy bar she wasn’t allowed to have and a chat with me for a while after everyone else at home had gone to sleep. She would be very proud of her children today. I now her momma misses her as I miss mine. We will all be reunited again when it is time.
The Lord has set a path for each and every one of us to get to him through the light. The evil-doers cannot enter the light and we must distance ourselves from the evil-doers or we will never make it to our destination. The evil-doers serve to distract us from our paths and keep us in the dark. We must not allow ourselves to be distracted and veer off path if we ever want to reach the end. Those who claim to know God yet use God’s words to cause his children pain, do not know God. Those who claim to know what path God wants another to take, do not know God. Only you can know what path you are to be on and only I know what path I am to be on.
I know God. I met him. I spoke to him. He sent me a guide who lights the path that I must travel to reach the place where my faith dwells – the place that is so bright that the shadows cannot exist in, the place the monsters cannot go to for the monsters cannot dwell in the light, they can only dwell in the shadows. I did not know God before my journey. I continued to deny God during my journey.
I began to feel God and then wonder if it was him that kept pulling me up out of the darkness every time I tripped and fell. At the end of that journey, was the light and my faith and God. I thought he had left me long ago, but he never did. He was always with me even when I denied him. I crawled through the depths of hell along the path of all that’s right and just towards an unknown destination. I wondered why the road was so hard and why I was alone on it. I fell and got lost and my guide lit the path and I got up and continued on my way. This is stupid, I kept thinking. Maybe I have gone crazy, I told myself. This journey is too hard and it hurts too much and I don’t think I can make it. People turned their backs on me. People laughed at me and degraded me and kicked me back down each time I got up. I saw no purpose in the journey but I wanted to get away from the pain and I wasn’t allowed to give up. I survived.
I am out of the darkness and dwelling in the light and my heart is filled with the love of God. I know God. I know the purpose of my journey. I know why I had to endure so much. God has a plan for me and I had to experience those things to carry out His wishes. I am to help others escape similar situations and get to the light so the darkness doesn’t take them. Had I not lived through it, I would not have the understanding to help others through it. He trusted in me and knew I was strong enough to make it, even though I denied Him. How amazing is that?!
It matters not that you believe or disbelieve me. I know God. He believes in me and I Him. That is what matters. I hope you find your path.
God says that if you can stick to the path, at the end of the journey, you will be rewarded with treasures beyond comparison. He does not lie. The treasures I have gained throughout my journey cannot be purchased, they are greater than anything money can buy, they are irreplaceable and no man can ever take from me that which God has rewarded me with as long as I stay on my path. God says I am not to be distracted by you – don’t be dismayed – don’t be discouraged – they know not which of they speak – they know not your journey. Thank you Lord for not ever giving up on me and thank you for delivering me from the darkness and thank you for the words I needed to write this.
~Mel, Saved by God’s Grace