Posts Tagged With: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Mel’s Ramblings

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes. I own my mistakes. I accept the consequences of my actions. I am nobody to judge anybody else. Why do those are the same as me, somehow think they’re better than me and have a right judge me? Everyone is the same. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody has the right to judge anybody else. I just wish the world would remember that. I wish certain people in my life would remember that.

These last few months have shown me how alone I really am. Getting a phone call from anyone other than my Daddy and texts from anyone other than my oldest daughter, Tiffany, is rare and far and few between. I know that some, like my best friend Polly and my younger brothers and sister have been going through there on ordeals which of course take priority in their lives. Yet others, who I thought would be there for support, vanished from my life. Then, there are those who have chosen to continue the gossip; spreading rumors, innuendos and judgements as if they are somehow above me and have never made mistakes and errors in judgement.

I’ve learned that I’m no one’s priority other than my own; no one can ever be trusted 100% other than my dad; and that most people who ask how you are would prefer you answer with the lie and say “great” than to tell the truth and say “not so good”. When you tell the truth, they stop asking because they don’t want to feel obligated to listen to your problems and help you fix them.

I think sometimes people forget or just simply don’t know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed with trials and tribulations that all you can do is pray for somebody to step in and help pick them back up, brush off the dust, and tell them it’s all going to be ok and that if no one does, how easy it is to simply give up because no one seems to care one way or another anyway.

And it is true that some people really do not care one way or the other as long as their life is going good for them. I have heard the phrase, “not my problem”, more times in the last three months then I think I have heard in my entire life. When did we reach the point where people only care about themselves not about the people around them? Just because it’s not your problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help, does it? Sometimes, the only help when needs is an ear to listen and a mouth that delivers wise advice. Is that so hard to do these days? Where has all the empathy gone? And if you can’t take the time out to listen to another and advise them what makes you think everyone should take the time to listen to you when you find yourself in an upward battle? Are you really that much better than the rest of the world?

Ramblings from the mind of a broken-hearted, lost soul.

Forever in his Grace,

Mel

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Categories: Adventure, Friendship, Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Which Way? — What is Unconditional Love Worth to You?

I see you are at a crossroads. This is the only first LOVE you get. Never will you have the opportunity which you have at this very moment again.

LOVE is not easy. To keep LOVE alive, you must work hard at it. If it were easy, everyone would have it; no one would appreciate it; no one would treasure it. Whether you choose to work at it and embrace it or throw it away because of a pebble in your path is up to you. While you make your decision, you need to know this:

You know that LOVE she has for you? That is the kind of LOVE you don’t want to lose. She will stick with you through thick and thin no matter what. She would sacrifice the moon for you. That LOVE is rare and hard to come by.  You will never find another LOVE like that, so think long and hard before you throw it all away.

Yet, perhaps she is better off without you holding her back. She will never LOVE another the way she LOVES you. Even if she would be better off without you holding her back, she will sacrifice all that she could be just to keep LOVING you.

This is your life. You are in control of it. You decide if it is worth it or not to see where your adventure with your first LOVE goes on the challenging narrow path or to take the wide and easy road.  I can tell you it is worth it to her.

What is that worth to you? To have somebody LOVE you so unconditionally that they will sacrifice everything for you?

True and unconditional love.

The Narrow and Wide Gates
13“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14“For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it. ~Matthew 7

Do you think LOVE should be easy? If you throw this LOVE away over a pebble, you will always throw LOVE away over a pebble. There are many pebbles on the path of all that’s right and just. You gotta go through the darkness to get to the light.

 

Forever growing in His Grace,

 

Mel

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Categories: Adventure, Life, Love | Tags: , , , ,

He Was a Parasite

Grey’s Anatomy

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head [2.1]

Meredith: [voiceover] To be a good surgeon you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open.

please dont touch meShe had a way about her that was strictly business.  She never hugged anyone.  She never complimented anyone.  She never said I love you nor requested quality time with anyone.  Her goals were set.  Her aspirations were prioritized.  Her priorities were detailed down to every step necessary to reach each level.  She had a plan and she was following it.  She didn’t have time for nonsense such as caring for others or what they needed.  She wouldn’t hug anyone and no one could get close enough to hug her.  She was focused and nothing was ever going to stand in her way.  Mom wishes Mom knew then what Mom knows now;  why she was so guarded with her feelings and so adamant about perfection.

Meredith: [voiceover] They say that practice makes perfect. Theory is– the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become like one, the better you get at remaining neutral, clinical, cut, suture, close – the harder it becomes to turn it off. To stop thinking like a surgeon, and remember what it means to think like a human being.

2015-03-05 06.12.44At times, she would slip and Mom would catch a little sparkle in her eye.  She would write something that let Mom see a glimpse of her true self and all of the love and compassion she hid deep inside the core of her being.  She put on a good show, but that’s all it was, just a show.  Mom admired her focus and strength in her ability to follow through on everything she started.  She never missed a day of school, never had a missing or incomplete assignment.  She never got anything less and an A on every single one.

Enough Is Enough (No More Tears) [2.2]

Meredith[Voiceover]: I have an aunt who whenever she poured anything for you she would say “Say when!” My aunt would say “Say when!” and of course, we never did. We don’t say when because there’s something about the possibility, of more. More tequila, more love, more anything. More is better.daughter-WM

She was so wonderful and doing so well that Mom rewarded her quite often for her hard work.  Mom rewarded her so much so, that she had everything she wanted.  The more she wanted;  the more Mom gave her.  Mom was not spoiling her.  She worked hard and earned it all.  She would even do extra just to get more.

Meredith: [voiceover]: There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual. And depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there’s no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

4bdffa5d22beacdbeb84fa9d7ec1f2efThe more she got, the more she wanted.  It got to the point where nothing was ever enough or good enough for her.  She was not happy with what she had, but she knew what Mom could get her that would make her happy.  When she is happy, Mom is happy.  It didn’t matter that Mom gave her what she said she needed to be happy.  She still wasn’t happy.  Mom did everything Mom could to fill her emotional emptiness.  Mom thought for sure that she unhappy because she never allowed her emotions to be seen on her face.  Mom loved her well enough.  It was not Mom’s love that she lacked.  It was love from anyone but Mom.  Mom is her mother, of course, Mom loves her.  Mom is obligated to love her according to her thoughts.

Make Me Lose Control [2.3]

Meredith: [voiceover] Surgeons are control freaks.  With a scalpel in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There’s no fear, there’s no pain. You’re ten-feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the OR. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.”

Those with an evil heartShe gave up everything for him. Everything she was born with, everything she earned, everything she had planned her entire life for; all of her dreams, goals and aspirations; herself at the very core of her being; home – family – unconditional love – education – dreams – hopes – wishes – desires – future – friends – all of it. She threw it all away for him. She threw away everything that made her who she was. She lost control and she lost herself in the process.

Meredith: [voiceover] “No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. If there’s an upside to free-falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.”

the mroe you sacrifice the more you hurtThe one thing she wants most in the world is to feel loved and she would sacrifice everything to get it and that is exactly what she did.  She sacrificed everything to get it from him.  Still, he gave up nothing for her. He was selfish. He turned her against everyone who truly cared for her with empty promises of love.  She took the knife, and with his guidance, buried deep in the back of the only constant she has ever had for her entire life; the one person who loved her in a manner that no one else in the world could ever love her; that kind of dont hurt a friend who loves youunconditional, never-ending love that a mother holds for her child, the one person who would and has sacrificed wants and desires for her; the only person she knew who would always answer the phone when she called, regardless of time and place; the woman who gave her life and would give up her own life for her; her mother;  she sacrificed Mom.  She did it for him and the love he made her believe he held for her.

Deny, Deny, Deny [2.4]

Meredith: [voiceover]The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial.  We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces.”

Whats wrong with meHe remained selfish. He gave up nothing, took everything, yet still he wouldn’t take her. He couldn’t care for her. He had his own desires to fill. He wouldn’t work to support her. He kept her mind all twisted up in knots. She stood firm, begged, pleaded, even wanted to know why he couldn’t truly love her.  IMG_20150328_042343What was so wrong with her that made her unlovable?  Was it because she was so broken and damaged?  Or was because she had nothing left for him to take from her?  She stood firm in her conviction that she didn’t need anyone else.  She was sure that he would see all that she had sacrificed for him and he would reciprocate the love she felt.  Little did she know that the one thing she wants most is something he could never give her.  He hasn’t the capacity to love anyone other than himself.

Meredith: [voiceover] Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

the word sorry wont fix what you did this timeIMG_17278213801921Once he was sure she was devastated and alone, with no one left to turn to and nothing left to lose, he walked away from her, as if she was nothing, and never looked back.  Who can she call now? Her friends are long gone.  She turned her back on them.  Maybe, her family.  Maybe she could call Mom.  There’s nobody else who would do anything for her now. He saw to that. Then it hit her so much harder than she ever thought it would.  She had done so much more than just push Mom away.  What she had done was something that can never be undone, could it?

Wonderful girl BrokenMom had been stubborn and fought the loss of her only daughter.  Mom would find ways to get messages to her and would email her once or twice a day.  She had replied to every communication and every reply would tell Mom how much she hated Mom and wanted Mom to get out of her life and stay out.  Mom hurt deep down the core.  She had devastated Mom in the same manner that her infant brother’s death had devastated Mom.  Mom would always tell her that Mom’s love was unconditional and would always be unconditional.  She took advantage of that love and used it for her own gain.  Her show was no longer a show.  It had become who she is.  389129_407522972644254_1337971205_nCold, cruel, and willing to do anything to get what she wants, regardless of who get’s hurt in the process and anyone standing between her and what she wants will be chewed to bits and pieces and then ground into the dirt for extra measure.

93dae9f08f39c39dbb23b9a1b45cea2eBut now, she had pushed Mom so far away and hurt Mom so badly that the emails stopped.  The messages  Mom would send out in mass which she completely ignored stopped.  Mom hadn’t even attempted to make contact with her recently.  She was relieved when Mom gave up trying to have a part in her life.  Mom always did give her everything she wanted if Mom was capable of giving it.  She didn’t ever believe that Mom would leave her life forever.  That isn’t what she really wanted, but she thought there was time.  We always think there’s time.

It is better to let some one walk away from youMom’s love is unconditional, but Mom’s battle is over. No longer will Mom fight to keep her in Mom’s life.  Mom will give her what she wants and walk away.  Mom is tired.  Mom is hurt.  Mom is done.

M Livingston

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Categories: Adventure | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

SUNSHINE

Cynthia, remember when you first introduced me to this video?

I remember everything. Sunflowers are your favorite flower. Green is your favorite color. You love the cold and hate the heat. You hate wearing dresses. You hated them since the day you were born. You want to go to Alaska and run the Iditarod. You want to go to Madagascar and work with animals. You want to attend a college in Europe for a year. You are interested in Veterinary services because you want to help the animals.

You are considering being a combat medic and then studying medicine to become a Brain Surgeon. You love cats. You especially like the big kind, like the black panther at the Douglas Zoo named Ninja. He’s probably passed on by now.

You like little dogs but only for a short period of time. Big dogs are more your style because they can go and do things you go and do.

Who you are at the core of your being never changes. It may get lost or buried, but it always stays the same. You have a heart. You are not cold. I know you like to play tough and push people away before you start to care about them. It is easier that way than having your heart broken, but that is not living. If you are not feeling, then you are not living. You want to be happy, but you can never be happy if you never allow yourself to feel. I hope that you are doing well in school. I would like very much to attend your graduation. I am curious to know if you have yet decided on the Navy or a different course.  Are you going to prom?  Do you need a dress?  Let me know and I will make it happen.  I always have and I always will.  You wanted Washington DC and I gave you Washington DC.  You wanted California and I gave you California.  I remember your prom dress last year.  I remember when you picked it out and sent me the photo.  It was over your budget but when I saw you in that dress, I had to get it.  You were so excited and thankful.  You were the most beautiful young lady at the prom.

You don’t think I hear you or pay attention, but I do. I remember everything you tell me. How else would I know that you have a big heart?  I remember the boy that no one liked.  You took him under your wing and transformed him and helped him gain friends.  He wasn’t the only one, either.  A heartless soul would never have done that.  I know you don’t like to be touched and I completely understand that. I do not blame you one bit. I would like so very much to hug you and hold you and comfort you so you could get it all out. It is OK to cry sometimes. It is OK to not be OK and to say you are not OK. I don’t expect you to be perfect. I expect you to be you. You are perfectly imperfect and I love every single imperfection.  They are what make you, you, and you are so much more than you allow yourself to believe.  Believe in yourself.  Love yourself.  I believe in you.  I love you.

With all of my heart and nothing but unconditional love,

Mom.

Categories: Adventure, Life, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My Sunshine

 

imagesZYURDE1NimagesIPO6LPRAI know you don’t believe me when I say that I SEE you, but I do.  I’d love to sit and chat the way we used to.  I am not blind to your pain, you show it to me everyday.  I can see it in your eyes and when I do, I feel it too.  Your smile doesn’t hide it anymore.  I have tried everything I know how to do.  I haven’t had much guidance in the area of motherhood but I do know unconditional love.  Nothing is as I had planned.  In my mind, you were to have a beautiful life, a loving father, a close bond with your siblings, lots of family around you and the most magical holidays you could ever dream of.  It started out that way.  Then everything went wrong.  I am sorry that things were not what they were meant to be.  You deserve so much more.  I cannot change the past but we can change the future.  I need to know that you are OK.  I need to know if I need to come find you.

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untitledUnconditional LoveYou know how I am and you know if I don’t hear from you soon, I will start looking for you.  Even just a FB message that says “I’m OK” from you will do.  I’ll start putting slideshows up of you as a baby.  Or perhaps, of your birth. No, I wouldn’t do that.  That was a joke to make you go, “EWE”..  I made you a video.  I love you Sunshine.  You are my heart.  When you hurt, I hurt.  When you are happy, I am happy.  Remember your dreams.  Follow your dreams.  I know you can do it.  Please call me soon.

All of my love, unconditionally, forever and ever,

Mom.

PS. I will take you video down if you call me and ask me to.  I won’t even argue over it. ❤

I wrote you a letter the other day. I was saving it, but I will share it with you now.  It is here.

Categories: Love | Tags: , , ,

Words Can Hurt and Words Can Heal

clip_image001Use your words wisely. You never know the emotional state somebody else is in.  When you attack with your words, you risk delivering the blow that shatters the already fragile state causing complete destruction of the heart. As soon as the reality sets in that the monster has finally reached everyone around her with his lies and his mission is accomplished, the realization that she no longer has to consider anyone else’s wishes follows.  Why should she when no one considers hers?  It’s not going to change a thing about how others see her.  She’s already hated, so threatening her with hating her isn’t going to work.  We all have triggers. Insults based on her exes lies are triggers. That, on top of what she heard from the person called to tattle on her, as if she’s child and under another’s  control, was more than enough.  She love unconditionally, but she does not like unconditionally and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she hurts back.  Why should she care when no one else does?

To J:  You didn’t think unfriending me would stop me from replying to your comment to me, did you?  It was a great comment.  It is something that comes up in situations like these, related to all that ‘junk’ you’ve been reading on my walls.  I’d like to invite you to write your momma a public letter.  Tell her anything you want to tell her.  Tell her how you feel, what she did, what you expected, wanted and needed growing up.  Tell her what she got right and what she got wrong.  Tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you feel now.  Tell her what you expect from her in the future.  Break the Silence and get your story out there for the world to see.  It will help others in situations like yours.  I will publish it on one of my pages with the others children’s stories and letters.  It takes courage to break the silence.  You used that courage before.  I would like to see you use it again and write anything and everything you feel like writing.  That said…………… …of course there’s more.  I haven’t even addressed your comment to me yet. ❤

You wrote

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa, after all the shit she put everyone thru, and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her, she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[10]How long have I known you? Since you were what, about 5 or 6 years old sounds about right. You and my daughter have been best friends for a long time. Your MOTHER and I were best friends for quite some time as well. Your momma was there for me in times I needed somebody most. She was the only one there. I have been to all the birthday parties she has put together for you and your brother. I don’t even think you know what she went through to make each and every birthday as special and as perfect for you as she could. I don’t think you know half of what she has put herself through to take care of you.  She doesn’t regret it and she would do it a hundred times over if she had to.  She wants nothing but the best for you. She loves you with her whole heart. I remember one Christmas I came by and your momma was in tears  That year she didn’t have any money to buy you a present. She didn’t want you to wake up Christmas morning and not have anything. Your momma is proud and it was not easy to get her to accept help and the only reason why she did it was for you. If not for you, she wouldn’t have taken it. I can only imagine what it is like to have a mom love you so much that she would do anything she possibly can to make you happy. You have that.  I’ve never had that.  Cherish it.  Not all of us can be so lucky.  Her love for you is unconditional and there nothing in this world you can do to make her stop loving you.

I’m going to break down your comment now and address one piece at a time.

Ehhh stay off my page as long as that bitch is in your house Melissa,

Blackmail, eh?  You want me to choose between you and your mother?  I do not make deals with people’s lives.  I have tried to get JJ to understand that for some time now, but he is a sick narcissistic sociopath and blackmail is one of the abusive tactics they use regularly.  JJ the child molester has your dad as a friend. Why don’t you tell your dad to get out of his house as long as he and JJ are friends?  That’s a guy that doesn’t even deserve to live let alone walk around free. He doesn’t even see anything wrong with all the damage he has caused.  He doesn’t even see anything wrong with raping his own daughter.  Look at that anger festering up inside of you. It’s festered so long that it’s blinded you. You have every right to be angry. No one blames you for being angry. She hurt you and she was supposed to always protect you. I was supposed to protect my kids too and I failed. I didn’t hurt them directly, but I never even seen the signs that they were being hurt. Your momma did something she should have never done. She knows that. She admits it.  So now I get the silent treatment because you have mommy issues. That’s OK. I still love you. My love is unconditional as well.

Be aware of the path you are on and don’t become cold, bitter and heartless. You are beautiful and intelligent. You love your momma. I know this. Stop hiding your love behind your anger. Let your love shine through and the anger will fade away.

after all the shit she put everyone thru,

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“Everyone” meaning who?“ All the shit meaning what?” Does no one else have any responsibility for what has happened to them in their lives? What about all the shit your momma has been through? You haven’t been through half the shit she had been through by the time she reached your age.  Is that insignificant? Does it make any difference at all? It doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She still has to own her behavior and take responsibility for it.  Just as your poor behavior right now is explained by shit you went through. It is not excused by it though. You still have to own it and take responsibility for it. Knowing where you’ve been shows you are not a mean, spiteful, hateful girl. You’re angry and you need to heal.  I see you through your anger.  When you do not take the time to heal, you end up being the one hurting those you love.  You cannot address the abuse she inflicted without addressing why she inflicted it; what made her what she was.  To kill a weed, you have to kill its roots.  If you pluck it off at the top, it will come back next time it rains.  Break the Silence.  That is why it is so important to talk about it, raise awareness, and get your story out there.  It helps you AND it helps others.

and all that junk you post on your page i dont understand why you would help her,

clip_image002Junk? Obviously if you are calling it junk then you couldn’t understand. You don’t even know what it is. You cannot understand that which you don’t know. Do you know my cause, J? Do you know what I stand for? That “junk” on my page includes things such as #LoveChangesPeople , Make #Compassion go viral, #ShatterTheSilence , #TakeControl , #MakeSomebodySmileToday . We are women, we are warriors, we are mothers and we are proud. We once were victims. Then Survivors. Now Warriors. As warriors, we help those who need help. You can’t understand it because you are too blinded by your anger which is derived from fear. Some go from Victim to Abuser, much like your momma did. But they do not have to stay on that path. They can change direction and become warriors. Some just need a little more help than others. Guidance, love, support, kindness and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words. I am not asking you to pretend like everything bad is gone. I know it will take time and words don’t mean much. I am asking you for patience and observation. Watch your momma transform into the beautiful woman you remember as a child. Withhold judgment and don’t stand in her way to recovery and healing. Don’t trip her and cause her to fall off the path of all that’s right and just. Let her reach the end to be saved by His Grace and have her pain and sorrow washed away and replaced with joy. You don’t think she deserves it, but God does. No one, not even you, deserves God’s Grace but he waits for us to reach him so he can give it to us anyway. He is waiting for you, too and he Unconditional Lovewill wash away your pain and sorrow too. You cannot understand that until it happens but when it happens, you will know and you will never be able to deny it.  All of that aside, your momma is my friend and friends help friends without judging them.  Family helps family without judging them.  Unconditional Love.  You never turn your back on those who were there for you when you needed them.

she deserves anything that comes to her and yoir jut prolonging the inevitable. She doesny deserve a friend like you.

clip_image002[4]Says who? Says you? And to what do you base such judgment on? Her actions? What about your actions, J? You and I both know you are not perfect and you have done some pretty mean and hateful things. Shall we talk about the little dog you decided you didn’t want anymore and how you tried to get rid of it? Shall you be judged for that little incident for the rest of your life? You tried to kill a little puppy with poison, J, a little puppy that you wanted and then when it got a little older, you grew tired of it and were ready to throw it in the garbage so you could get a brand new one.

More-GraceSo what is this ‘inevitable’ you speak of? Death? We all die, J. We all try our best to prolong it, don’t we? You had so much heart when you were little. Where did it all go? Before you tell me it died or that you’ve been hardened due to the shit that’s happened, think about how your momma got hardened. Can you honestly tell me that you can condemn her for being exactly the way you are headed to be? That’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? You can’t condemn her unless you are without error and on a different path than she was on.

VictimOfGraceQuote2.jpgWho are you to decide what type of friends she deserves? God placed her in my path for a reason, J. Evidently, God says she deserves a friend like me and who are you to question God? Maybe she doesn’t deserve such a hateful daughter. Really, she doesn’t but that is what she has to work with and by the Grace of God she will and by His Grace she will succeed and your heart will change.  Speaking of who deserves what, did she deserve what she got from her daddy while growing up?  Of course not.

2014-12-20 21.35.19-1You are afraid that if you give her this chance and let your guard down that she will fail you and mess it all up and you will get hurt again. You cannot live your life in fear of what may happen. You will never know unless you try and getting hurt is a risk that goes along with that but it is a risk that must be taken else you’ll never accomplish anything in life but death and your life would mean nothing and you would never get your purpose. Jump, J. Take a leap of faith. Try it and see what happens.  What are you afraid of?  I bet when you first started reading this, you thought to yourself that you don’t care and that your heart is cold.  If you don’t care and your heart can’t get broke, then there really is no excuse for you not to try, is there?  Heck, do it just to prove me wrong.  Take it as a dare.  Let’s see how it goes.


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With all my heart,

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Categories: Child Sexual Abuse, Healing, Love, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I don’t think my family hates me. They just don’t care.”

I read those words posted by a new found friend and fellow warrior, Grace.  Those words have been circling around in my head ever since.

From a quick Google search…

My Parents Don’t Care About Me

Getting Older and The Family That Could Care Less

Why do we need counseling for children who feel their parents hate them?  What is wrong with this world?

My Parents Hate Me

The longer I am a therapist for teens, the more emails I get from desperate teenagers. The emails are most often about a painful incident that makes a teen believe their parent(s) hate them.

Other reasons I get emails from teens:
1. Looking for help: How can I get my parents to say yes?
2. Looking for help: How can I make my parents like me more?
3. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents trust me?
4. Looking for help: Why won’t my parents let me be myself?

I KNOW THOSE WORDS.

Brian and I went up to TMC to see his new granddaughter.  She’s over a week old, but there’s a problem with her blood sugar so she has not been able to go home yet.  She was taken to Tucson where the specialists can run some tests.  Mommy and Daddy have not left her side.  They have many visitors, both friends and family.  People bring them necessities and goodies to snack on as well as little gifts for the baby.  There is always somebody there checking on them and making sure they are hanging in there.  That is LOVE.  Love is helping them travel the difficult path they are on.  As I sat and observed, I felt out of place.  I have not known Love like that.

I DO NOT KNOW THAT LOVE.

When I was hospitalized during my pregnancy with Angel, no one sent me flowers.  No one came to visit.  No one checked up on me.  No one cared.  When I lost Angel, no one came.  No one called.  No one cared.  Some people came to the funeral, but they weren’t there for me.  No one offered me comfort.  My own mother was there.  You know what she talked about?  I allowed her to hold Angel before I put him in his forever bed and she said that holding him was helping her put her miscarriage behind her.  My mother wasn’t very far along when she miscarried a pregnancy before I was born and after my brother was born.  She was in her first trimester and she tells me about how she went to the bathroom one day with terrible cramps and it just came out.  She flushed and that was the end of that.  I don’t want to downplay what she may have been through, but this was not the place nor the time for her to make the day about her and how she can finally recover from a miscarriage that happened over 25 years prior.  Why does she always do that to me?  I have a tragedy.  I am in need of comfort.  I need a hug.  What do I get from her?  A story about something that she went through and how it affected her.  The day with Angel was not a miscarriage.  I had a baby and he died.  There is a difference and on the day I am burying my baby, I don’t give a damn about her miscarriage or anyone else’s for that matter.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS OVERSHADOW MY TRAGEDIES WITH YOUR OWN?

I was thinking about that day while sitting in the hospital waiting room and watching this wonderful, loving family interact.  It seemed so disgustingly pathetic and mushy.  It is a beautiful thing.  It angered me.  Why would witnessing so much love and comfort within a family anger me?  That doesn’t make sense.  What is so special about her that she gets so much attention?  Wasn’t I worth somebody caring about me like that?  Don’t I deserve some type of compassion or am I invisible?

I AM INVISIBLE.

I sat in sadness, remembering how I felt the day I lost Angel and the months and years that followed.  I prayed to God that these people do not have to endure what I have endured.  They asked me if I wanted to go in to see her.  I declined.  They asked why.  I simply said, “I will see her when she comes home.  Grandpa should go see her one more time before we leave.”  This day was not about me or my loss or my fears.  This day was about them and I was not going to do what my mother did and soil it for them.  It’s hard enough for them as it is.

I WILL NOT BE LIKE MY MOTHER.

I was angry because I wanted what they had, but I learned long ago that I will never have it.  My mother is my mother. Maybe she loves me but does not know how to show it.  Maybe she hates me but does not want to admit it.  Maybe she never really wanted me in the first place.  My mother is who she is and she is not going to change.  She will not be the mother that goes shopping with her daughter and has lunch on occassion.  She will not be the mother that comforts and wipes away tears.  She will never be the grandmother I had hoped my children would have, as I have most wonderful grandmothers.  I recently asked various family members if my mother had always been that way or if she just hated me.  It is not me, my aunt assured me.  My mother has always been cold.  They attribute it to her being the oldest of five and havng to do most of the work on the ranch and help with the other children.  “It is what it is”, my aunt said.  It is life.  Stop trying to make her proud.  She will never say those words.  Stop tryng to please her she will never be pleased.  Stop waiting for her to see you.

I WILL ALWAYS BE INVISIBLE TO HER

Of course, I have people in my life who care and that is great but it is not the same as having my mother be there.  At least, that’s what I think when I try to imagine how it would be if she could see me.

I have read many books that discuss the mother-daughter bond. Each time I read a different volume, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting, the intellectual stimulation and joy of being read to.

via When the Mother-Daughter Bond Is Missing | Tips on Life and Love.

Mom,

If you read this…Do you read my writings?  Do you even know that I write?  This is my perspective.  This is how I feel.  Remember shortly after you and Dad divorced, on your birthday, I had Ginger’s mom bake your favorite cake, German Chocolate, for me to give you?  I made a bunch of little note cards, ‘clues’, with directions, telling you where to find the next clue.  The ‘clues’ took you to your surprise, the cake, was set up with candles for you.  I tried so hard that day to make it special and get a thank you and an I love you from you.  You didn’t even care.  You blew out the candles and then left for the bar.  Remember the pair of slippers I ave you that you turned around and gave to somebody else?  I spent a lot of time and effort picking those out for you because I love you.

MY LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

You now all of my perfect, 4.0 report cards?  I worked hard to get those for you, but they never seemed good enough.  Everything I did was to please you and get you to love me.  I didn’t have to work that hard for the 4.0.  I was pretty smart.  I still am.  Did you know I was in the G.A.T.E program?  Did you know I tutored the younger grades?  Did you know I was in a lot of plays?  Did you know that I went to church almost every Sunday with Mr. and Mrs. Taylor who lived on the corner of the cul-de-sac?  Did you know the older boy, Danny Nelson, molested me in our home while you were out with whichever boyfriend?  Did you know that my brother and I were awake that night that Jerry Scangorillo (sp) raped you and we heard everything?  Why did you keep bringing strays home to live in our house, give them my bedroom and make me move into my brother’s bedroom?  I was a preteen and I needed my privacy.  You never cared to talk to me about anything, not even about my future, boys, college, sex, etc.  Yet still, I love you.  You’re my mom.

DAD TAUGHT ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Dad was there for me.  Dad was always there.  Dad loved me.  Dad taught me unconditional love.  Dad wanted me around.  I remember the first time I told you I wanted to go live with Dad.  You poured tears, accused me of not loving you, told me how much I was hurting you, asked why I wanted to break your heart and then proceeded to tell me bad things about Dad.  You made me feel guilty for loving my father and wanting him in my everyday life.  Did you know, after you moved me up north and changed my last name and forbade me to speak to Dad, that I cried myself to sleep every night because I missed him so much and it hurt so bad?  Then, you moved me to Arizona and I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to run away.  That’s why I ran away.  I couldn’t talk to you because last time I tried, you made me feel like garbage and you would never have let me go anyway.  I hid from you while Dad took care of the court paperwork.  You tried telling the judge I wasn’t old enough to choose, but he saw through you.  You couldn’t manipulate him like you could others.  You know what, maybe, just maybe, you are the first abusive relationship I have experienced.  Maybe it was you that taught me to be comfortable in bad situations and let me fall into that pattern of abusive relationships.  Yet still, I love you.  You’re my mom.

YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY MOM.

I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

~Melissa

TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU LOVE THEM.  HUG THEM.  SHOW THEM YOU CARE.  YOU AREN’T MAKING US STRONGER BY NOT SHOWING US LOVE.  YOU ARE BREAKING US.  END THE EPIDEMIC OF BROKEN PEOPLE.

Categories: Love, Parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,